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There once was a moscowite (subspecies of termite) called Vlad who had a small problem. His manhood was very very tiny so that the doctors argued if it can even be called a micropenis. This caused Vlad great sadness because he couldn't give pleasure to any woman with it which drove him insane. But eventually Vlad figured it out that even if his frontside can't pleasure anyone, his backside still worked perfectly. So to spread joy to humankind Vlad offered it freely to everyone. He even was so helpful that he got instruction tattoos to help people use it, "put" on left cheek and "in" on right cheek. His backside became so popular that people just started calling him Put-in and because so many powerful men enjoyed it he quickly rose up in the ranks. But sadly the harm to his mind had already been done and his insanity didn't wane so the mad dictator Vlad "the Insaner" Put-in started to wage war on every country where men had bigger manhoods than him. And here we are today with apparently only a Chinese cartoon bear and a pedophile prophet worshipping gabbage having even tinier ones so they became best friends and formed the Retarded League of Evil together.


"We will just march to the real Kievan Rus capital and take it over in 3 days" said Vlad one day in his rebelious duchy of Mordor because it annoyed him that nobody took him and his duchy seriously. Then he decided that the best way to achieve this is to butcher all his own young men and make his duchy dirt poor. Sadly Vlad had spent all the money in his duchy already on luxury rowboats and plugs for his backside so he didn't have any equipment or even uniforms to give the young men he sent to the slaughterhouse. But he promised that he would buy their parents a brand new Lada when they died, because a Lada costs more than basic equipment. To further ensure his victory he decided that his worst enemy Finland should join their worst enemy Sweden to ally with USA. This strategy didn't make sense to anyone else so Vlad had to offer his backside to them until they were so happy that they forgot what the problem was. That explains why the actions of the madman make no sense at all to anyone if you're not enjoying his backside too. For after all, Vlad is insaner than the flat Earthers all around the globe just like his name says. Otherwise he would already have figured it out in a year that his strategy was that of the supreme loser,