Recent reviews by John Helldiver

SNOY COULD NOT DEFEAT THE INDOMITABLE SPIRIT OF THE HELLDIVER

I don't even care about the agent of chaos bit anymore, this is just great

I am an agent of Chaos, put on this Earth simply to cause disruption among the prevalent narrative, and thus I can't recommend playing this game.

Daca e sa fim corecti ai nevoie de un IQ foarte ridicat pentru a intelege Aventura Copilului Albastru si Urat. Umorul este extrem de subtil si fara o intelegere solida a fizicii teoretice majoritatea glumelor nu vor fi intelese de catre spectatorii obisnuiti. Mai este deasemenea si perspectiva nihilista al copilului albastru si urat, care e integrata cu iscusinta in caracterizarea sa - filosofia sa personala se inspira la greu din genul literar Narodnaya Volya, de exemplu. Fanii inteleg aceste chestii; ei au capacitatea intelectuala de a aprecia cu adevarat cat de adanci sunt aceste glume, de a realiza ca nu sunt doar nostime - ele spun ceva despre VIATA. Ca o consecinta a acestui fapt, oamenii carora le displace Aventura Copilului Albastru si Urat chiar SUNT idioti - normal ca nu ar aprecia, de exemplu, umorul din zicala existentiala a copilului albastru si urat "Da coae" care e la randul ei o aluzie criptica la romanul epic rusesc al lui Turgheniev Parinti si Copii. Surad chiar acum imaginandu-mi ♥♥♥ unul din neghiobii astia zapaciti isi scarpina capul confuz in timp ce geniul lui Codrin Bradea se desfasoara pe ecranele lor de TV. Ce prosti...cat ii compatimesc.

Si da, ca tot veni vorba, chiar AM un tatuaj cu Copilul Albastru ai Urat. Si nu, nu il puteti vedea. E doar pentru ochii domnisoarelor - si chiar si atunci trebuie sa demonstreze ca au IQ-ul la 5 puncte distanta de al meu (preferabil pe minus). Nimic persoanal baietase.

I love my country

Playing this game with mods is so stupid it's funny. One time I was playing with some friends on a private server when the host teleported another friend to his spawn house and this guy managed to find in the only un-searched room an RPG-7 with rockets to spare

it's pretty good i guess

I think this is a great game my son has been wanting to eat his curry while playing this game. He loves it(the curry and the game) !!!! There is only one character who swears. There is blood but chicken has blood as well and we eat chicken. Lovely game... Recommended.

my balls itch

I cannot overstate how infuriatingly AWFUL this game is and will be. Just to be clear: this is a beta for a game that will release in 2 weeks. This means that the game is essentially finished aside from minor bug fixes. Here we go.

Let's start with the single positive: the graphics. As to be expected for a game of this budget, it looks gorgeous. Unfortunately, performance is horrid. I'm using a GTX 1060 (the recommended specs), and the High preset is specifically described in-game as being tuned for the recommended specs. On the High preset I get between 5-15 fps. I set the game to the Lowest preset, and now I get 15-30 fps. For comparison, I get a smooth 60fps in Metro Exodus on Ultra. This game is currently only playable with top-grade hardware, which means 90% of players can't play.

The sound is fine. The music and sound effects get the job done, but aren't anything to write home about. The voice-acting however is terrible. There's a scene in particular that's supposed to be very dark and serious, but the voice-actor narrating sounds like the jpeg fish reporter from Spongebob. You'd think they'd be able to afford decent actors, or decent directors, but nope. It comes off as just plain silly, and I don't think that's the intent.

Now we're into the juicy bits: the gameplay. Before we get into the combat, there's no controller support for both Dualshock 4 and Xbox One controllers, even though this has the "full controller support" tag. Keyboard controls are also very awkward, even for a game of this type.

The combat itself is simplistic, with a light, heavy, and ranged attack, as well as a couple special moves on a cool down. The different characters never do anything cool or new, so every combat encounter is exactly the same. The camera is unwieldy and constantly ignores everything you want to actually look at. But the worst thing of all is the dodge move. Square Enix decided to make dodging controlled by double-tapping in the direction you want to dodge, and it's almost always late or going in the wrong direction. It is unironically the WORST dodge mechanic in any game I've ever played. You know what else sucks? RNG in a real-time fight. That's right, this game has a mechanic where enemies have a chance of flat-out blocking any of your attacks, and it's scaled with difficulty. Being unable to hit enemies when I clearly did is not "challenge", it's stupid. And to top it off, combat uses RPG style number damage (like Destiny or Anthem) for one stupid reason: Loot.

This game, which as far as I can tell is a tightly-scripted singleplayer-focused brawler, has a tacked-on loot system. There are "resources" and "loot" you find in dumb boxes sprinkled around stages, and you use them to upgrade and increase your stats. Strangely, none these stats are explained, and it seems they aren't even needed, even though the game constantly prompts you to equip your 1% better gear. There are even different damage types, but the game doesn't say anywhere where they come into play. The only logical reason I can think of as to why this is here is to push microtransactions. There are several normal and premium currencies set in place already for cosmetics and upgrades alike, and I can easily see progress being gated off later in the game to waste your time on grinding, which is simply bad game design for the benefit of microtransactions.

I also want to say that the levels, while beautiful looking, are completely uninspired. It's simply various corridors, occasionally with janky platforming sections, leading to an empty lot where you fight, then repeat. Everything looked so similar that I somehow got lost or didn't know what to do quite frequently. You'd think there would be an objective marker or map in a game this mediocre to point you in the obvious direction, but for once there's nothing like that here, just confusion.

The story, in my opinion, is inconsequential. There's bad guys, the Avengers are hated, and you fight. It's boring and contrived. The writing of the characters, however, is legitimately cringe-inducing. Every line is "quirky" and stupid, I hate it when any of the heroes speaks one of their many puns or dad-jokes. I simply hate it.

This was a poorly written review by an angry man, so here's the TL;DR.

This game is the pinnacle of "triple-A" mediocrity, and an effortless cash-grab. If you absolutely adore ANYTHING Marvel related, and this releases with a $2 pricetag instead of $60, you MAY be able to have some mindless fun. Keyword "mindless". Otherwise, this is a waste of not only your time, but everyone else's time for even existing.

A simple descriptor of Marvel's Avengers: one of those classic Lego games, but with better graphics, and every shred of fun or originality gutted in favor of "triple-A" garbage.

Just play Marvel Ultimate Alliance, it's much better.

EDIT This also has Denuvo DRM, and I had to spend an hour making a Square Enix account to even play the game. Disgusting.