The Lard's Bible

All praise be to our glorious Lord Gaben!

Gabesis

In the beginning there was only Gaben. And from Gaben's glorious bowels came everything we know today. On the first day glorious Gaben created Valve and saw that it was good. On the second day Gaben created Steam, Steam would later be the world that all living things live on. On the third day Gaben All living creatures to live in Steam where these creatures could buy games for them to play. On the fourth day Gaben created Counter Strike and Half-Life, these were the games of games. Other games aspired to be like these games. On the fifth day Gaben created glorious knives for the Counter Strike player could as means of slaying their enemies. On the fifth day Gaben created cases for the players or steam users to aquire the knives. On the sixth day Gaben created all other game companies to worship him and try to be like him. On the seventh and final day Gaben created the Steam sales. These sales were to happen every start of a season. They would include ridiculous discounts such as 80% and 90% off on new games. The Steam users had to give in on such Great offers.



All was right in world of Valve. But one game company wanted to be better than Gaben. That company was EA. EA was one of the bigger companies and owned great IPs such as Battlefield. But their greed was to much. They would buy out other companies and release crappy sequals, making a large sum of money, but dissapointing the consumer. But one day EA oversteped their boundarys.They tried to take over Valve. EA went up to Gaben and Demanded that they too sellout out to them. But Gaben refused them and sent them to Game Hell. Many other developers and publishers went with EA. One of those companies was Activison.




Gaben created the first man in his image. That man was Gordon Freeman. Mr. Freeman lived a normal life but he was lonely. Gaben saw that Gordon was lonely, so Gaben took one of Gordon's ribs and from that made the first woman. Her name was Chel. Chel was always a curious woman. One day while playing Counter Strike EA came to her giving a copy of a game. She asked what this game was and EA replied with, "That game is a new verison of Counter Strike." Giddy with joy Chel put the disc in her PC and started it up. The game was not in fact Counter Strike it was... Call of Duty. Chel was tramautized and verbally abused by 12 year olds. SHe felt insecure and started covering herself. When Gordon asked why she covered herself Chel showed him the game. He too was traumatized and refused to speak for the rest of his life. Gaben saw this and was mad that they were playing Call of Duty. Chel and Gordon then had many generations of children.

Gabexodus

Years passed, and humanity grew. They would seperate into tribes, villages, and cities. These later grew into nations. One nation was of Gaben's true children, the Valvists. They were at war with EA's children, the CoD Scrubs. They used their army of squeakers to overcome the Valvists, and were forced out of their homeland. Some wandered for months. Some wandered for years. Some never saw civilization again.

The "lucky" ones, however, found a new home. They thought they would be entering a peaceful land of prosperity and wealth, but they instead found something horrible: Russia. The Russians enslaved Gaben's children. They were forced to build grand monuments to honor Joseph Stalin. They were beaten, starved, and near death. Among these poor souls was a great man, GeT_RiGhT. GeT_RiGhT prayed to Gaben day and night, hoping to be saved.

One night, in the darkest hour, GeT_RiGhT was praying when suddenly a bright light appeared in the sky. He saw, amongst the sales and knives, our glorious lord Gaben. "I have come, my child. I have heard your prayer and I wish to help. I want you to go to the king of Russia, Vladimir Putin, and tell him to set you and your brothers free or suffer ten plauges." GeT_RiGhT held on to Gaben's words and set out to meet the king in the morning. "Oh great king, must thou enslave us?" GeT_RiGhT weakly begged. "Indeed, I must. You see, you Valvists are inferior and must be punished. Now return to your shack, or be flogged." King Putin demanded in a harsh tone. "Fine, but take heed. You will be met with ten plagues, and then you will be forced to set us free." GeT_RiGhT said, and went back to his shack.

The next morning, the Russians went to the river to gather water for the day. However, when they got there, the water had turned to blood! All the fish had died and Russia was filled with the foul stench of dead fish. One brave man tried to drink the water and was met with a painful death. Putin was not impressed, and doubled the work of the Memers.

The next day, the Russians were met with raining frogs. They were terrified to go outside. Putin met with GeT_RiGhT to end the rain of frogs. "I shall ask Gaben to remove the frogs when you let the Valvists go." Putin agreed, and asked for the plague to end the next day. However, the next day, Putin refused to let the Valvists leave.

Upon the next day, the Russians awoke to find-Ugh.. you know what? My attention span isn't good enough to copy the whole plagues thing. TL;DR the Russians got boils, were swarmed by locousts, and their children died. We good? Good, lets move on.

The Valvists, finally free, wandered for years. They always prayed to Gaben, thanking him for freeing them. According to GeT_RiGhT, he was told to lead them to a new land, provided by Gaben, and live there. They were to thank him every day for that land. However, years went by, and they slowly lost their faith. One night, as GeT_RiGhT was sleeping. Suddenly, the was awoken by a glowing angel. "GeT_RiGhT, Gaben needs you to go to the top of that mountain and pray for ten days. After these ten days, you will be given something." GeT_RiGhT followed the angel's instructions, and went to the mountain to pray.

Okay, this is too long. GeT_RiGhT got some stupid tablets, went back to his people, and found they were worshipping a golden Freddy Fazbear statue. He said "Wait, no! I got stones with words! Follow these!" So they destroyed Freddy(thank Gaben) and worshipped Gaben. They went to the promised land, Valve Headquarters, and lived happily ever after.

[Martinson]

Propaganda i sayeth.

[fggfhfgdhjgdsf]

Not trying to advertise, but I FOUND A PISTOL POWERFULL ENOUGH TO SLAY GABEN! No srsly, it does 9554 dmg or something and I made a guide about it.

[fggfhfgdhjgdsf]

@A Teletubbie Yes, blasphemers, fuck christ, lord gaben is the one wich made us all, ALL HAIL GABEN! VIVA LA STEAM!

[Umbrella Incorporated]

I'm not feeling the Gaben with this.

[Tree]

kkk

[Jeff]

So many blasphemers in the comments. Gaben is glorious and is totally relevant to this game

[John Liberty]

fgt

[MF DOOM]

This is a troll post designed to get attention of idiotic steam users. Do not click this.

[nine inch males]

THIS DOES NOT HELP ME WITH THE DEATHCLAWS IN QUARRY JUNCTION!

[sorryguy75]

No problem!