SERIOUSLY THE WORST GAME EVER *

*I have 7900 hours on this game. I have known nothing but overwatch for the past 7 years, at the expense of learning, growth, my health and most of all my marriage. Every time, she begs me to come to bed, just for one moment of touch together, but that sweet SR hit on my dopamine receptors draws me back, like the Sirens of the Odyssey, every night without fail. I have lost numerous jobs, I don’t know how old my kids are (names: Jack and Gabriel) ; every morning, they are not in my mind, but what role I am going to rage and stay in Plat for, for the day. This game has a chokehold on me, funny cos this is the one thing my wife can’t provide. This is all I need, to be held down by the neck and ♥♥♥♥♥♥. But then I realised, wait...playing against Hanzo is the equivalent.

So, I don’t need her, and I don’t need our two kids. They don’t fulfil me. I need this game. The few times my wife and I do have an intimate moment, she gets unnecessarily annoyed by the fact I say things like “I’m a real animal!” when I quicken the tempo or “Strong as the mountain” if I’ve been able to last a long time. In fact, I have not been able to climax for many months now, unless before I do, I scream “I AM READY TO UNLEASH THE MOLTEN CORE”. It’s become habitual. In all honesty, I really wish she would start doing that reaper voice line which people spam in order to make him moan, it really makes my ♥♥♥♥ tingle much more than her forced moans. Last night, came the final straw. She was there, crying after I finished, tired of our loveless marriage. I took a moment. Reflected on my actions for the past few years and came close to her and consoled her with a warm embrace. I came up close to her and whispered into her ear… “on a scale from 1-10, how is your pain”? and she went ballistic. The next morning, she was gone with the kids and many of our possessions. She thinks she has won. But I have overwatch. I have blizzard’s 2016 team-based shooter. She may have the gift of life, but has she ever typed “sit” after destroying a widow that has been beating you 0-11 for the entire round? Has she ever cancelled a Lucio ult with brig rally? Has she ever hit a poko bomb? Or a fat 5-person stick? These matters are beyond her insignificant mindset of human connection and unconditional love. That’s not what life is about. Life is about telling someone they are consigned to the deepest circle of hell and to go ♥♥♥♥ their sweet, loving mother, because they accidentally pressed the wrong button at the wrong time in a video game. That’s what it’s about!!

If she really had any strength, she would have ended things before I planned our Overwatch themed wedding. I’ve got to say, it was incredible, no church music here, just the lucio healing music on a loop – and at night we switched to the speed one. A family friend’s daughter brought the ring out dressed up as mercy and I wore a full skinsuit, much like d.va’s. Anyway, I’ve met a discord kitten through overwatch. He is a boy cat. This is something that I am coming to terms with for myself. I was so assured of my sexuality, but with that mercy beam up my ass, and that sultry 𝓜 𝓔 𝓞 𝓦 enveloping my headphones…♥♥♥♥…actually I don’t think im into men, I think I just like really feminine men, like femboys. My Christian faith gets challenged every time I hear that meow. I have never supported the lifestyle, I mean…I have gay friends…well I know some…I think they are gay, I see them sometimes in Aldi buying cucumbers or aubergines or whatever. But I’m not so sure anymore. I mean don’t get me started on when they released Lifeweaver…it was on purpose, to challenge me. Lifeweaver, was a test from God. God came down and told unto Aaron Keller…”release Lifeweaver. Challenge the purity of your Christian subjects, both sexually with that smooth chest, and in rage, after they are pulled right back to spawn after being nanoed, blading in a group of 5 enemy squishies”.

Furthermore, in order to present myself to potential overwatch mates in the wild (Aldi), my wardrobe consists of nothing but overwatch merch, primarily of my favourite hero, Sombra. And recently, I noticed something in my life. My wife is Mexican. I met her after they released Sombra. I’ve been pursuing a career in computing since 2018. Its much harder than she makes it look. I only like having sex with her with the lights off. The pieces are coming together. I actually started to talk to the voice actress on twitter. I mean she wasn’t verified, but she assures me it is because “Elon is a complete stupid dickwad”. I’m not sure who Elon is but whatever. I understand times are tough with less people playing overwatch and everything, so when she asked for donations I always sent them. And in return she sent live recordings of her voice lines. It was quite astonishing, they sounded exactly like the game! She made it so realistic, I could even hear gameplay in the background, such a talent. And I know what you’re thinking, this is obviously some kind of scam. Deep down inside, I knew this to be true. My fate was sealed one day when “she” accidentally turned on her camera, and I was confronted by a moustached Indian man in a office somewhere in New Delhi. Shock, horror, terror, I thought, I panicked. Until I took a moment, paused; and looked into his eyes. I spoke to him in Hindi, through the few symmetra lines I knew, and he smiled. And I smiled. I move my lips closer to the camera, he does the same. And we kiss. Passionately. Rajesh. I love you.


In conclusion, this game is awful, bring back lootboxes