Cute anime girls ride each other (Not like that! Get your mind out of the gutter!)

Pros:

• Goes fast
  
• Cute anime girls
  
• Touhoulicious soundtrack incl. Okuu theme
  
• Wicked sicknasty remix of Beloved Tomboyish Girl
  
• Cirno
  
• Vampire girl has cute wings
  
• Other vampire girl also has cute wings
  
• Koishi's in this one too
  
• Airship level
  
• Hell level
  
• City level
  
• Moon level

Cons:

• No Okuu (but she does get name-dropped)
  
• Er...
  
• That's it

Overall verdict:
Kawaii af

Our tale begins with the Empire of the One God.

Ah, dammit, wrong game.

Once upon a time, there was a giant tree, blah blah blah, war, life of a hero, goddess, angels, chosen one, blah blah blah.

Our tale begins in a world known as Sylvarant, where it is said that, as long as there is enough "mana" available, the fields will be plentiful and the world will be peaceful. Naturally, there is nowhere near enough mana, so the world suffers from constant food shortages (of which we never actually see the effects, funnily enough) and the evil Desians (read: magitek half-elf Nazis) run rampant.

In the village of Iselia, there lives a young girl named Colette, who is said to be the "Chosen" who will restore peace and plenty to the world. But this isn't about Colette, this is about Colette's classmate Lloyd. When Lloyd and his snarky half-pint best friend Genis (yeah...) witness Colette receiving a magical "Cruxis Crystal" from the angel Remiel, they become deeply fascinated by the "Journey of World Regeneration", a sacred pilgrimage undertaken by the Chosen to awaken the "Summon Spirits" and the goddess Martel, which will hopefully replenish the world's mana and defeat the Desians.
Unfortunately, a series of shenanigans involving an elderly prisoner of the local "human ranch" (read: concentration camp) leads to Lloyd and Genis being banished from the village, leaving them with no choice but to join Colette on her journey, against the wishes of the village elders.
After more shenanigans, they meet up with Colette and her group and journeny through the desert to the Seal of Fire, resting place of the spirit Efreet. After defeating the monstrous Ktugach, guardian of the Seal, Remiel appears before the party and grants Colette angelic powers of her own. And with that, our heroes, along with Genis's older sister Raine and the mysterious mercenary Kratos (no relation), continue on their journey to save the world.

But Colette is hiding something, and it seems that virtually everyone our heroes meet knows more than they're letting on. And a mysterious young woman seems determined to stop Colette at all costs. Could there be more to this journey than "stop the bad guys, save the world"?

Oh, you have no idea.



I'd describe it as a cross between Chrono Trigger and Super Smash Bros., strange as that may sound. Ok, Maybe that's not the best description, but it's late and frankly I'm not very good at describing things like gameplay. So we'll skip straight ot the pros and cons, shall we?



It was a mistake for you to accept promotion.

Gratuitous Star Trek reference complete. Time to do the actual review.

Pros:

• Incredible art style with some of the best use of cel shading I have ever seen.
  
• A unique and charming cast of characters ranging from a young self-taught swordsman to a very busty ninja to a martial artist who seems to like his handcuffs a little too much (it makes sense in context).
  
• Thrilling real-time combat
  
• Many waifus
  
• Many husbandos
  
• Some frankly spectacular magic spells
  
• A damn fine soundtrack (which as we all know can make or break a game)
  
• Wicked sicknasty interdimensional jet-scooter-plane-things with an awwesome theme song
  
• Enough sidequests and bonus content to, by my estimate, nearly double the length of the game.
  
• Truly incredible voice acting, with spectacular performances by Scott Menville, Cam Clarke, Tara Strong, Robin Atkin Downes, and many other famous names.
  
• Provides a deep and surprisingly nuanced examination of human nature.
  
• An impressive amount of replay value if you have the patience to sit through the first part of the game multiple times.
  
• Both heroes and villains are hella ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ badass!

Cons:

• Chocolat
  
• The tech system can be quite awkward; learning spells/special attacks requires each character to have performed lower-level spells/attacks a certain number of times, usually 50. This isn't so bad for most characters, but for some, such as Kratos and Zelos, you'll have to carefully manage their skill usage if you want them to learn any really cool moves.
  
• Chocolat
  
• A lot of stock anime humour, mostly involving Zelos. This wasn't as tired and overdone when this game was made, but still!
  
• Chocolat
  
• You WILL need a guide to fully enjoy this game. Seriously. Especially if you like sidequests. Many of them require counterintuitive steps just to initiate, to say nothing about actually completing them. Case in point: to unlock many late-game sidequests, you have to enter the last room before the final boss, view the cutscene, and then turn around and walk away! It's ridiculous!
  
• Did I mention Chocolat?
  
• While some of the game's puzzles are fun, they can get very grating, especially in those areas where you're constantly being hounded by enemies in a confined space.
  
• The game's replay value can actually work against it; you need to beat the game at least three times to complete the Collector's book and the Monster List, as three minor accessories are associated with specific endings, and a particularly spoilerific boss is exclusive to the bad ending. Combine that with the fact that the system that determines which of the game's eight (count 'em, eight!) endings you can get is very opaque in and of itself, and I honestly cannot, in good faith recommend trying to 100% this game unless you have a frankly obscene amount of spare time and are willing to devote at least a month of your life to completing this absolute beast of a JRPG, but if you do somehow manage to pull it off, then I salute your devotion to completionism.
  
• Minor nitpick, but due to a quirk in the art style, characters can sometimes look as though they have tiny bandito moustaches, even though they actually don't. Yuan is probably the worst offender, but Colette gets it quite badly as well.
  
• The writing is usually excellent, but some scenes leave a lot to be desired (case in point: Chocolat).
  
• I will never understand what the deal was with that scene where Lloyd and Genis run into Raine as they're leaving the Martel temple... And that music... What were they thinking?!
  
• You now cannot unsee the moustaches!

Overall?

I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ love this game! Don't get me wrong, it has its flaws. A lot of flaws. But it more than makes up for them with its lovable characters, thrilling real-time combat, and deep, compelling plot that twists and turns like a twisty-turny-thing while still managing to remain coherent. As long as you can look past the apparently-cliche-at-first plot and occasional moments of cringe (*ahem*Chocolat*ahem*), you will enjoy this game.

Yours Sincerely,
-Mr. C.


Yes, yes you do.

tl;dr: it has its ups and downs, but I still recommend it to any serious JRPG fan.









But what I want to know is, was the coffee really hot or cold?