Recent reviews by slanderoid

This game is one of my favorites of all time. I’d say it’s easily in my top twenty games – no easy feat, since I usually find open-world games repugnant.

In fact, I tried playing it long before I settled in and played it start to finish. I was immediately inundated with a horde of characters who acted as if I should already know who they were. By the time I got to the part where I could freely explore the world, I was already overwhelmed. Letting me loose to explore the land as I pleased only made me feel more anxious. So, I stopped playing then and there.

Something about the experience must have captured my imagination, though. Since I was miffed that I learned little about the characters other than their names and a bit about their relationships with Geralt, I decided that I should be better prepared if I ever tried playing it again. That’s when I vowed that I would read the books before I went back to the game.

Then years went by. (I’ve got tons of practice at saying I’ll do something and then never doing it. It’s something I’m super good at.) I didn’t really think about it again until the first season of the Netflix series was announced. And suddenly, I was determined to read the books and play this game before the show debuted.

What ensued was a months-long quest to read everything from The Last Wish to Season of Storms. Between the first few books in the series, I read other, random books to keep from burning myself out. By the end of the series, though, I was reading the books back-to-back. Not because I was running out of time before the show came out… No, the books had me completely captivated.

This was a little strange to me. After reading The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings series a couple of years prior and finding it to be a miserable experience (yes, I hate The Lord of the Rings books – fight me, Tolkien nerds), I had avoided fantasy books and, more broadly, book series altogether. So, to find myself completely infatuated with this fantasy series I had only heard of through video game news articles and wanting more and more of it left me dumbstruck. From the first two books (that are filled with monsters and action and sex but were still able to contain some depth) to The Lady of the Lake (whose narrative structure resembles a Russian nesting doll, with each layer showing another step in Ciri’s path to become the most powerful Witcher in history), I was in for the ride completely. I was thrilled, I laughed, and, though it’s been a few years and my memory is hazy, I probably bawled like a little baby in the end.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, after the final book in the series, I wanted more. Luckily, there was The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt waiting for me in my Steam library. And, this time, I was ready.

My god, this game. I can’t describe what it felt like to finally see these characters that I had spent months reading about brought to life to continue their adventures. To say I was moved would undersell the way I felt the first time I hopped onto Roach and galloped through the hills of Velen. This game was completely engrossing for hundreds of hours and it’s something that I’ll never forget.

However, there is something even more important that my experience with The Witcher has done for me: I’ve discovered a love for fantasy, and I’ve been more open to reading book series. (Serieses? Seri? Whatever.) Since my time spent with Geralt and the rest of the crew, I’ve read both The First Law series by Joe Abercrombie and The Expanse by James S. A. Corey – two series I never would have even considered reading if it wasn’t for The Witcher. Hell, I even got a tattoo of Geralt’s magic signs down my forearm a couple of weeks ago.

As you can probably tell, this game means a great deal to me. I can’t do anything besides recommend it. (And the book series, obviously.)

But I think the most important thing to take a way from this review is this: The Lord of the Rings ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ sucks, guys. Guys: it’s boring as hell. It’s just sooooo ♥♥♥♥♥♥, guys. The Witcher makes The Lord of the Rings its ♥♥♥♥♥. Do you know what I do when I can’t sleep? I turn on The Lord of the Rings and I slip into a coma out of pure boredom. If I was trapped on a deserted island with only The Lord of the Rings, I’d let myself get eaten by sharks. The Lord of the Rings is so dumb, it might as well be yo momma…

...

Edit: I thought I should mention that this is my 100th review on Steam, so I wanted it to be something special. I hope you found it worthwhile. Don't worry - I'll be back to talking about boobs and farts again with the next one. Anyway, congrats to me! 🥳

Just like my review of Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel!, this one has been in the making for a long time. I made it my personal goal to play through all the Borderlands games back when this one was announced. It only took me five years or so, but here we are! I’ve finally played the game that has been in the back of my mind all these years… and I have some Thoughts.

When this came out, I remember some folks poo-pooing on the writing/story of this one. That sentiment was echoed by people I talked to as well as within this very review section. And, yeah, I can’t dispute any of that. The new villains are *okay* - but they’re no Handsome Jack. And the story, despite containing some events that will forever alter the Borderlands canon, is far from gripping. I’d say it lands smack-dab in the middle for me: it’s not as good as Borderlands 2 or the first Tales game, but is much better than the craptastic stories from Borderlands and The Pre-Sequel!

But the story is only part of the story; who’s playing a Borderlands game for the plot anyway? Borderlands games are about pew-pewing psychos and aliens, after all! A, fortunately, this game excels at that part.

On a fundamental level, the game is the same as its predecessors: turn the enemies into blobs of viscera by any means necessary, hope they drop a better gun than the one you’re holding, and repeat. The meaningful changes to the formula appear to be minutiae on paper but, in practice, they improve the game so ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ much.

Take the ledge grab. Now, I bet you’re all like “WoWeE, a LeDgE gRaB, tAkE aLl My MoNeY”. But I promise you, it makes a huge difference. Not only are gunfights more dynamic because of it, it allows for more interesting platforming outside of battle. Speaking of platforming, it’s now a trillion times easier to find locations that are above and below the player because of one simple change: the map is now in 3D instead of being a 2D plane. (I don’t think I mentioned it in my other reviews, but a big gripe of mine from the preceding games was how points of interest could be hard to find since the map gave no indication of the point’s altitude.) And, while we’re on the subject of wandering around, some of it has been eliminated due to another simple change: vehicles are now fast travel points. So, if the player needs to return to an NPC on the other side of the map to turn in a quest, they can do so with minimal backtracking. Just bloop back over to your vehicle and you can get right back to giving radiation poisoning to screaming weirdos.
There are more small changes than these, but they are either too small to remember or are too small to mention. Regardless, they all come together to smooth out the gameplay and make this the most fun entry in the series to this point.

But it’s not just little things that have changed. There is a major improvement that boosts this one far beyond most entries in the franchise: the levels are good!

My biggest complaint about Borderlands and The Pre-Sequel! is that the levels in those games are mostly snoozefests. Thankfully, Borderlands 3 takes place on several different planets, each with their own visual style and enemy types. Those planets are further divided into different biomes, each with their own unique visual flair. My nuts almost busted every time I came across the tell-tale blue forcefield that indicates and entry point to a new map: I couldn’t wait to see what surprises lay in store for me on the other side! That’s a far cry from The Pre-Sequel! where almost every new map made me shudder at the thought of exploring a new portion of the barren moon. Jesus, the moon is sooooo booooring!

Obviously, this game isn’t perfect. There are few things about it I would change. (Like the false ending before the player reaches the final planet. This joke backfires a little, seeing how there’s still another 10% of the game to play afterward…) But those minor dings don’t hold the game back from being on par with Borderlands 2. I even think they’re tied for best in the series. Fans should absolutely give this one a try if they haven’t already. Especially since it’s frequently cheaper than dirt.

After playing through NLT Media’s previous offering, Treasure of Nadia, I was anxious to dive back into their world full of adventure, thrills, and *ahem* adult extracurricular activities. I was gob smacked by the level of quality and huge amount of content in the previous game, and, surely, the next game was going to further improve upon an already winning formula, right? So, does the new game live up to the hype I built up around it in my own head?

Ummm… Well, yeah. Pretty much. I mean, the gameplay is mostly unchanged, the story is, once again, complete nonsense, and visually, it’s equally as impressive as the previous game. The improvements are more subtle than I was expecting. For instance, the sound design has improved: the H scenes no longer sound as if there’s a dinosaur battle happening just off-camera. There are even a few scenes that are fully voice acted in this one! Impressive stuff. And, speaking of the scenes, this time around they’re a bit more… adventurous. More variety is always a good thing, in this case.

But that’s also where the game stumbles. Where the scenes themselves will appeal to more refined tastes than the first game, the new characters probably will not. Other than their different faces and personalities, everything else about them is virtually identical – if you catch my drift. Anyone interested in a wider range of representation will probably be a little disappointed.

The other part of the game that I feel an incessant need to grumble about is the story. Now, I’m not usually one to judge a saucy game on its story, but there is a lot of story here. Where Treasure of Nadia was about treasure hunting and making love potions, this one is more interested in church stuff and organized crime. To me, the story from the previous game was far more entertaining. But, hey, I’m not here to kink shame. Maybe this game’s story is someone’s thing, but it isn’t mine.

With that being said, this is still one of the highest quality mature games around. You can’t go wrong if you decide to pick this one up, even if you’re paying full price. However, if you have a choice between this one and Treasure of Nadia, I’d recommend going with Treasure of Nadia – at least before you play this one.

Every October, I subject myself to a constant onslaught of horror: I only read horror books, I only watch horror movies, and I only play horror games. While that may seem like overkill, it pretty much slakes my need for horror for the entire year afterward.

But, even for a freak like me, a palate cleanser is due once November comes. So, after this past Halloween, I decided to settle in for something extremely cozy. And I couldn’t have picked a better game to come down from my horror high if I tried.

Unpacking is exactly as the title suggests: you unpack boxes as some unseen protagonist moves from home to home throughout their life. There are no timers and no real challenges (unless you’re going for the extremely-easy-to-get 100% completion). It’s the very definition of chill… even when deciphering what objects are and where they belong proves to be more difficult than it should be.

My favorite part of the game must be the story, though. It’s told exclusively through environmental storytelling. This is usually a negative for me, but all of the cues are easy to pick up, even to an unobservant schmuck like myself. I went along for the ride alongside the protagonist, feeling every high and low point along the way.

If I have something to gripe about, it will have to be the game’s length. This game is very short (it can easily be finished in one sitting) but that didn’t keep me from feeling like it overstayed its welcome. The levels get progressively longer as the game goes on and, by the last couple of levels, I was audibly saying “okay, okay, I get it” to myself. It makes sense in that, as we live our lives, the number of things we carry only increases. But I think that if the developers had found a clever way to do the opposite, it could have been just as impactful. You know, the fleeting nature of life, the years really fly by, and all that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.

I think that’s all there is for me to say about this one. If it sounds like your cup of tea, you should give it a try. The asking price is pretty steep for what it is, though, so I would recommend waiting for it to be in a bundle or on sale before buying it.

Huh. I can’t believe I didn’t review this game when I played it back in the day. It was one of my favorite Resident Evil games at the time. I refuse to blame myself, so the excuse I’m going with is that there have just been so many great entries in the series released since then that this one has gotten lost in the fray… But that’s a good problem to have, I suppose.

Well, let me set my opinions in stone, here and now: it’s damned good.

As one of the many people who were afraid that the series was starting to lose its way after sixth (and, arguably, the fifth) installments in the series, I was happy to see Capcom step back and reevaluate their darling horror franchise. And, unlike many reboots, it was a huge ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ success. Not only did the seventh game signal a return to the series’ horror roots, it did so while being the first mainline entry that took place in first-person perspective. Basically, it was a win-win for everybody, whether they wanted something old or something new.

Normally, I’m not a fan of intelligent “zombies”. (It kind of defeats the purpose of the whole “zombie” thing, if you ask me. They’re supposed to be stupid.) But, the Baker family is so interesting / likeable / terrifying that I don’t mind it here. Jack Baker stalking me through the halls of the house and the subsequent confrontation with him are stand-out moments from, not only this game, but the entire series, if you ask me. The family is truly unforgettable.

Of course, like every good Resident Evil game, it starts to fall flat. Just like most of the others, the bosses start to have too many tentacles and there are just too many head explosions for things to be scary anymore. But, again, most Resident Evil games do this, so I won’t take off too many points for it happening here.

Honestly, my biggest gripe about this game is that we never got the VR version that PlayStation players got. What the ♥♥♥♥, Capcom? Don’t you like money?

Okay, my memory about the game is starting to fail me. So, in conclusion, if you haven’t played this one (and especially if you played and enjoyed Resident Evil: Village), you really ought to do yourself a favor and play it. You could wait for a sale, but, seeing how low the asking price is now, it’s even worth picking up when its not on sale.

This review has been a long time coming. I sat down to play through the entire Borderlands series back in… 2020?! Holy ♥♥♥♥ balls, time really does fly by, huh? Anyway, I played through Borderlands, Borderlands 2, and Tales from the Borderlands back-to-back-to-back before picking up – and immediately dropping – this one. At the time, I attributed my lack of interest to burn out. I mean, I was breathing, eating, and ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Borderlands for quite a while. Who wouldn’t need a break after that?

But now that I’ve finally returned to the game and played it all the way through, I realized that it wasn’t just burnout that kept me from playing through this one. As it turns out, I just don’t really like this entry.

I think The Pre-Sequel! falls victim to a lot of the same pitfalls that the first game in the series did. For instance, where 90% of Borderlands was roaming the tedious deserts of Pandora, The Pre-Sequel! is, like, 75% roaming the tedious moon of Pandora. In both cases, I was nearly at the end of the game before I found the game to be truly interesting and fun.

Something else they have in common is a lack of a decent villain. I had to google the villain of the first game… and I still don’t remember her from my playthrough. And the villain in The Pre-Sequel! is so forgettable that, in my head, I call her “Tungsten Zapados”, even though I know that’s wrong. (I refuse to learn what her name actually is.) When Handsome Jack is the glorious filling in this villainous sandwich cookie, how could the others compare? I should also note that, while Handsome Jack is in this game too, he’s depicted as one of the good guys – something that doesn’t suit Handsome Jack very well. He was at his best when he was an evil ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. In fact, I think he’s on my list of the Top 10 Greatest Evil ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ of All Time, right beside Kefka and the Joker.

Not everything about this game is forgettable, of course. Something that will definitely stick with me is the new movement. The low gravity of the moon means that the player’s movement is intentionally floaty throughout the game. This, on its own, isn’t necessarily good, but the introduction of glide and groundpound abilities shift the movement from something quirky to something fun and, at times, unexpectedly precise. The moon’s gravity doesn’t just affect the player, obviously, and enemies will use the same move set against the vault hunters. This can be a pain in the ass sometimes… but there’s also nothing better than picking off a mid-flight raider before they’re able to groundpound and watching their dumb corpse continue to drift through the atmosphere.

And, uh… I guess I liked that many of the voice actors had Australian accents. It gives the inhabitants of the moon a little dash of extra personality – a crucial part of the Borderlands formula.

But, yeah, other than those things, this game mostly seemed like a rehash of the first one. I’m marking it “Not Recommended” simply because I don’t see myself returning to it but, honestly, it could go either way. If you absolutely must play it (like me, apparently), get it in a bundle or on sale. You’ll thank me when you see just how mid it is.

This isn’t the first time I’ve played this game. Hell, this isn’t the first time I’ve reviewed this game on Steam. Thinking back, I think the only version of this game that I haven’t played is the Game Boy Advance version (which is likely the definitive version of this game, but more on that later.)

I say all of that to say that I’m a big fan of this game. In fact, it’s one of my favorites of all time. With that being said, I’ll cut right to the chase: if you’re a fan of classic console RPGs and you haven’t played this game, I demand that you do so immediately. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

…Did you do it? Good. Now I can nitpick/fanboy about this version without worrying whether you’ve played it or not.

So, yes, this version has several graphical improvements over the older versions (hence, the Pixel Remaster appended to the title). Those, however, aren’t the only improvements: the inclusion of an auto battle mode, mini-maps pinned to the corner of the screen, treasure tracking, bestiary, etc., all make this an improvement over most of the versions that are out there. Compared to the other version that is widely available on modern platforms, it is technically an improvement over the Android/iOS version, which was available on here before but can no longer be found on the store page. (I was one of the handful of freaks who didn’t fly into a rage over that version, mind you. I thought it was fine.)

I would stop short of calling this the definitive version of the game, however. Once again, just like the previous version, it’s missing the (admittedly hokey) CGI animations from the PlayStation port. Now, on top of that, this one is missing the extra content from the GBA version. That stuff might not be necessary for this to be a good game (it’s not), but, as a long-time, hard-core fan of this game, I was hoping for all of it to be included in one package. I guess I get to keep on waiting… Though the next version of this game will likely be a remake that will cast all that stuff aside, anyway. Sigh.

With all of that out of the way, this version is the best version of the base game that you’ll find. There are some additional things that will appeal to people who salivate over this one, too: an improved soundtrack, original artwork by Yoshitaka Amano, and a new interpretation of the opera scene that is guaranteed to make you mess yourself. This version just lacks a few things that would elevate it to “perfect”.

So, is this the version that you should play if you’ve never played the game before? Probably… but that depends on the resources available to you. The GBA port is likely as close to a definitive version that we’ll ever get. But, if that’s not feasible, this is the next best choice. Whatever you do, you should play this game, whatever version you can get your hands on because it is, objectively, one of the best games ever made.

This game makes me feel like I’m taking crazy pills. It comes up in any discussion about the best adult games available on Steam. It has an overwhelmingly positive rating. Its price is higher than a lot of mature games on here (if you include all the seasons in the total price). Some folks seem to think this is some kind of benchmark that other AO games need to live up to.

But, holy freaking ♥♥♥♥, I really, really, really disliked this one.

The best thing I can say about it is that it’s like playing a game based on Animal House or Van Wilder with a few extra spicy scenes thrown in. But, while I enjoy both of those movies, this just feels like I’m-Not-Getting-What-I-Paid-For, the game.

I understand that most of that can be chalked up to my own expectations. Between misunderstanding what the devs intended by throwing a “Mature Content” warning on the game and having enjoyed Acting Lessons (which, it’s important to note, is about a quarter the length of this game), I seem to have set my expectations far too high.

Let me just cut to the chase: I saw an astonishingly small number of adult scenes during my playthrough. I’ve played enough of these to know that the scenes tend to ramp up over the course of the game. But right when I thought this one was finally kicking into high gear, the words “to be continued” popped up on the screen. (My Steam Deck almost went crashing through the window when I saw that.) Again, that might be on me because I went down the “chick” path, rather than the “∆IK” path. Still, if that’s the reason I saw very few scenes, I’m still pretty pissed because both “morality” paths should have equal payoff. If it’s not, and both paths have very few scenes, I don’t understand how everyone who plays this doesn’t feel ripped off.

Yeah, yeah, loveable characters, moving story, blah, blah, blah. I’m going to be real with you (and perhaps realer than a lot of folks are willing to be): I didn’t read Playboy for the articles, I don’t watch adult films for the plot, and I don’t play AO games hoping for a story that moves me emotionally.

I suppose this one did have a profound effect on me: it elevated my blood pressure and cut at least two years off of my life.

Alright, I’m going to cut this one short because, the more I write, the more I realize I’m just an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. If you’re on the same page as me, do yourself a favor and check out NLT Media’s last couple of games, Treasure of Nadia and The Genesis Order. They cost the same or less, they're better quality, and you get much, much more bang for your buck. (Pun intended.)

I have to admit that this one put me off a bit at first. I mean, that cheesy art on the thumbnail coupled with assets that are clearly very “inspired” by Castlevania games doesn’t exactly scream “Game of the Year” to me.

But that’s exactly what you have here. There’s a reason it was nominated for a bunch of awards when it was released in 2022. I still kind of wonder if that “reason” is some kind of charm spell hidden in the game’s files…

I don’t mean that in any derogatory way, of course. I’ve played this game for hours and loved every second of it. (It was the first game I sank any meaningful amount off time into on my Steam Deck, for god’s sake.) It’s just that this is, on its face, a very simple game. Most of the player input, outside of menu navigation, is moving your character. Attacking and spell casting are both done automatically – the player only needs to position the character among the throngs of enemies for optimal obliteration. To me, when the enemies are coming at you in full force, it ends up feeling like I’m navigating a moving maze as I try squeezing through gaps in the enemy front. That is, until you get swallowed by the mob or Death himself comes for you and the level ends.

And that’s kind of it. Don’t be fooled, though – the gameplay loop is addictive as ♥♥♥♥. There’s something about watching your leveled-up spells ripping through a hundred skeletons at a time that never gets old. Besides that, trying different characters and loadouts to see what is most effective kept me busy for a long time.

If you’re looking for something entertaining to kill some time, you’d be hard pressed to find something better than this one. But, if you’re looking for something to really sink your teeth into, you might want to look elsewhere. Still, at this price, it’s probably worth picking up anyway.

I’ll start this one off by saying that I have very little knowledge of the original Sega Saturn / arcade version of this game. The most experience I have with his series is blasting away zombies in The House of the Dead 2 for my late, beloved Dreamcast. So, I can’t say what this remake gets right or wrong in comparison to the original.

What I can tell you is that, to someone going into this one with no expectations whatsoever, it feels like they did a lot of things right. I had so much fun rampaging through the mansion that the few nitpicky things I could say about it almost didn’t register for me.

In fact, since I played this about a month ago, I’m having a hard time thinking of anything that really rubbed me the wrong way. Umm… It’s super short? The bosses still feel like they’re meant to eat quarters, even though nobody even has quarters anymore? Controlling the game kinda sucks if you’re using a controller, so it might be worth busting out a mouse and keyboard instead? Of course, all these things can be dismissed if you remember that this is a remake of a port of an arcade light-gun game.

If that short list of half-hearted complaints completely turns you off, I get it. This game probably won’t have much appeal for folks who never saw the nineties. But, if you’re willing to go along for the ride, you’ll likely find this to be a fun, frantic race through a wonderfully goofy, gory haunted house – one that oozes nineties cheesiness but has been given a fresh coat of paint that will appeal to players with modern sensibilities.

Keep in mind, though: this game is very short – it may be worth waiting for a sale to pick it up.