Recent reviews by BobbyOahu

I, salaryman
Dive into a stabby past
Who makes these post-its?

Awaiting broadside
Impatient, I run forward
Take one for the crew

In the corn I hide
Tower guard, berserk dart flies
He works for me now

A shanty floats—PIG!
A treasure chest is near—PIG!
A viewpoint a—PIG!

The tavern serves me
Once, then twice, then eight more times
Awakened in hay

First: well-done on the tutorials! In fact, AC3 has the best all-around tutorial of the first five games. Even AC veterans will find the tutorials useful, as all the fighting buttons have been changed except for KILL.**

Speaking of: For a murder simulator, it’s a surprisingly chill game. You’ve got beautiful environments to wander about in, both in the city and the country. The Frontier map adds hunting, which is pretty fun. I mean, they even made quicktime sequences fun! And I like that AC3 still let me do my “collect stabby bros and level them up while I climb all the viewpoints” thing.

And, AND… there’s Desmond missions that aren’t completely terrible!

I know!

But I may have enjoyed this one least. Of course, that’s like saying it’s my least favorite slice from the same pizza.

Mainly, it’s got the same problem as AC Bros - too many side missions. A chunk of them just left me cold. I’m supposed to liberate forts for… lower tax rates? Okaaaay. And I’m supposed to help homesteaders so I can craft items based on recipes I got from treasure chests I had to lockpick so I can send caravans out to trade and eventually I might get a quiver that can hold more arrows?
Okaaaay.

I just threw up my hands, abandoned the naval missions*** and endured the rest of the story.

Therein lies the problem. The story is about Connor Kenway.

Connor is to Ezio what tofu is to mozzarella.

I mean nothing against tofu, but which would you rather have on your pizza?

I know, it’s a video game – story is incidental, right? But five games into a series, you get invested. So it’s quite disappointing to have a lead character who is such a dud.

This is not a knock on playing as a Native American! I thoroughly enjoyed the cutscenes in Mohawk. The Frontier tutorial, also with characters speaking Mohawk, is my favorite AC tutorial section ever.

Noah Watts’ acting isn’t the problem either. Why, there’s one time Connor gets a funny line and it’s actually funny! It’s just that it happens one time.

In an earlier game, Jupiter dubbed Desmond “The Cipher.” I was like, “wait, did Jupiter just break the fourth wall?”

That’s also Connor’s problem. The events (and characters) surrounding him are infinitely more interesting than Connor himself.

The upshot: definitely the prettiest game yet, but suffers from the same Overstuffed Game Syndrome as AC Bros.

**And then they don’t tell you there's a KILL button. I mean no problem for me, this is my fifth Assassin’s Creed game in a row, I get close to a jabroni I’m hitting “X” on instinct but really, AC3? Murder simulators should not downplay the KILL button.

***Well, I did some of the missions on the naval map - one escort mission and two treasure hunts.****

****Hello, Captain Kidd’s sword! Peg Leg knows how to reward a side mission! Game, be more like Peg Leg, please.*****

*****AC Developers: "HOLD MY BEER."

Okay, on to the fourth Assassin’s Creed game and the final chapter of the Ezio trilogy. Time for Altair flashbacks and Old Man Ezio!
(You can read my reviews of the previous Assassin's Creed games here. I'm doing them all in order because OCD.)

In honor of Altair, let’s bring back the Good/Bad:

The Good: Constantinople is too cramped for horsies, so salve zip lines!
The Bad: No horsies. Buona sera, Signore Cloppy.

The Good: You still get stabby bros! This time you get different missions for recruiting each stabby bro. It’s a nice touch that helps personalize them.
The Bad: Some little twerp decided he needed to parkour race me. Yeah okay bro, welcome to the Assassins, now go do all the stupidest Mediterranean missions.

The Bad: I get that Ezio is now a legendary leader of Assassins, and game wants to show that. A really good way game shows that is when Ezio whistles and arrows murder everyone. A really bad way game shows that is an awful, janky tower defense mini-game.
The Good: You only need to play Awful Janky Tower Defense once.*

The Good: The story. Old Man Ezio swooning over a plucky librarian is the best thing ever. I got a little thrill every time the Sofia icon showed up on my map again. Those missions also lead to Altair missions, which will just break your heart.
The Bad: The tomb raiding is a lot easier than in other games – probably because they’re story missions here. As someone who gave up on all the AC 2 tomb raiding after a bad climbing experience (I’m looking at you San Marco), I appreciated it. You may not.

Final Analysis: don’t make this your first Assassin’s Creed. Your first Assassin’s Creed should be AC2. Then if you love AC2, get AC Bros and AC Revelations.

* - After the Awful Janky Tower Defense tutorial, you can avoid it completely. When one of your Assassin dens is contested, its icon will look like it's on fire. Don’t go there! Fighting for a contested den starts Awful Janky Tower Defense. Instead, let the Templars take it. Your Assassin den will turn back into a Templar den and you’ll have to do the captain-murder / tower-climb again, which is a small price to avoid Awful Janky Tower Defense.

I'm playing the Assassin's Creed games in order and reviewing as I go. You can start with AC1 here:
https://steamcommunity.com/id/bobbyoahu/recommended/

At this point in my gameplay, I’ve taken a break. I went right from Assassin’s Creed 2 (or AC2) to Assassin’s Creed Brotherhood (or AC Bros).
The Good: you pick up right where AC2 left off (no spoilers and i know the game is ten years old shut up).
The Bad: you get another non-tutorial tutorial. The game gives you all the armor, weapons and skills from AC2 (and even tosses in a crossbow) only to take it all away in the first half-hour.
The Good: The game explains Ezio’s loss of skills with a doctor telling him “a man your age takes longer to recover.” Ezio walks off grumbling about that. Heh.

Moving on to the main gameplay… well, there’s some mixed feelings here. Now, I get that’s it’s a sequel and you gotta add features in a sequel. AC1 was very light on features, so the metric poop-ton of features in AC2 were a welcome addition. And the new features were fun! AC2 was so much fun that, even as I focused on finishing the story, I still found myself kicking around on gondolas and climbing viewpoint towers.

AC Bros captures that magic - for the most part. For example: a welcome addition are the Borgia Towers. These are viewpoints that require you to kill an enemy captain, then burn down the viewpoint.
And still welcome: the little things, like that time I saw a Harlequin capering about and the game lit him up like an enemy. I got closer and ended up in a fist-fight with a clown! And it’s a side mission! I have four more clowns to beat down! HA!

Then we get to the unwelcome: the investment system. Why, Assassin’s Creed? WHY? Who thought it was a good idea to incorporate an accounting simulator into a murder simulator?

See, when you “liberate” – or, “commit murder and arson” – in a neighborhood, you can open up all the shops in the area. And you can invest in the shops for… random junk that you already get from treasure chests? I mean, it’s not for more money, the payout is dismal. (I’ve sunk 10,000 florins so far and made back 10,400 florins. Wow.) The random junk you pick up in treasure chests doesn’t seem to have a purpose other than selling the random junk for florins. FFS game! Just gimme the dannati florini!

Three Hours Later Edit: Okay – collect enough random junk and you can complete shop quests where you trade the junk for armor and weapons! Why, just the other day I completed a shop quest and got a sword! That’s not as good as the axe I bought!

Yeah, the investment system is the worst.


Anyway. You might see why it was time for a break.

THL Edit: Three games in, I’m starting to get that Assassin’s Creed games have a difficulty plateau. There’s a point where the games give you a new weapon or mechanic and just like that, missions go from frustrating grinds to exercises in creative murder.
In AC1 it’s throwing knives.
In AC2 it’s smoke bombs.
In AC Bros it’s your bros.
My recommendation: keep with AC Bros until you get your bros. I tell you, having a small army of stabby bros really changes the game.

I mean, I’m doing all this exploring and side-missioning and I just realized I don’t have those hired assassin recruits everyone talks about online. (No one talks about investing because of course they don't.) Where are my recruits? Oh I’m about five jabroni-murders away from getting them! FFS!

THL Edit: Okay, that was one mission in five parts, but you definitely have to murder five or more jabronis.

Let’s summarize:
AC1 was like an ounce of game trying to fill a two-gallon jug of playtime.
AC2 was like a swimming pool of game, comfortably filling a swimming pool of playtime.
AC Bros is a like a swimming pool of game with a secret tunnel in the deep end that leads to a cave inhabited by wolf-cultists who attack you with knives and Quickbooks 2010.

It’s a bit much, is my point. Still fun! But a bit much.

{I'm playing the Assassin's Creed games in order and reviewing as I go. Click on my profile to see my review of Assassin's Creed 1:
https://steamcommunity.com/id/bobbyoahu/recommended/15100/
And okay, I didn't finish AC1 - I moved on during the second-to-last memory block. The missions got repetitive, the guards were on a hair-trigger which was more aggravating than challenging and okay, maybe it had something to do with that Templar boss killing me three times in a row when he was down to one health bar. MAYBE. Shut up.}

First up: controller issues again. You don’t need to mod your installation, just use a community config. (I’m using ETHREAL1’s “Actual Xbox One Controller Fix.” YMMV.) Caveat: you’ll need to set the camera controls the first time you play (which is very easy).

Fun fact: this is the first Assassin’s Creed game I ever played. Right after purchase, I fired this one up. Then I spent about 45 minutes trying to figure out why the controls weren’t working right, got that sorted, (with my Steam Controller GAH***) then I got into AC2’s tutorials, which felt like the game was saying, “oh hey I know you’re trying to get into this whole Assassin’s Creed thing so here! Fight these ten guys! Eventually we’ll tell you which button is punch!”

So I’m gonna highly recommend you play AC1 first. After an AC1 playthrough, the AC2 tutorials are a light summer breeze full of brutal beatings. I was finding race shortcuts, taking out ten guys in a row with only headbutts, that sort of thing.

Now I liked AC1 (even though I didn’t finish it because of that stupid Templar shut up), and I can see how it launched a gazillion-dollar franchise - but it felt like a pint of story trying to fill a two-gallon game. Conversely, Assassin’s Creed 2 is an entire swimming pool of story, splashing over the edges of a swimming pool-sized game.

You get a front-end story rundown (you’re a bartender who's descended from a long line of assassins, and there are secret societies desperate to make you play an historical murder simulator because videogames), and the rest just has you in 15th-century Italy, stabbing your way through history.

Speaking of - if you know your Renaissance history, you can geek out on Leonardo DaVinci upgrading your weapons, battling with Lorenzo de Medici in the Florentian streets, (spoiler: Lorenzo de Medici is no good in a fight) or appointing your villa with Renaissance masterworks. If you don’t know your history, you can learn! In a murder simulator! I know!

(No seriously, there’s database entries for characters, paintings and even some buildings.)

AC1’s missions got monotonous as there were only like, five of them: eavesdrop, pickpocket, interrogate, race, kill. And there wasn’t a lot of variation in those five mission sets. AC2 has… okay, it really has um… wow, come to think of it most missions have you just killing or climbing. But there’s so much more you can do to complete a mission. You can hire thieves or thugs or prostitutes to distract the enemy - or you can just literally throw money around.**** You can take down wanted posters or bribe town criers to get guards off your back. And you can interact with a kill! (Loot it, pick it up, try to make a smiley face of corpses, etc etc.)

And there’s… okay maybe not so much more to climb than towers, but there’s tombs! And being somebody who remembers when Lara Croft was just a bunch of sexy right angles, I am all in for tombs.

Definitely recommended. Also, play the first one first. (within reason.) (SHUT. UP.)

***This was before Steam opened up its configurator to any controller. I only recommend a Steam Controller for 3rd person games if you know the controls backwards and forwards... and even THEN, only if the 3rd person game has a precision shooting mechanic. Trying a 3rd person game franchise for the first time with a Steam Controller = GAH.

****Back in AC1, women would get in front of you to beg for money, which would often alert guards to your presence. The best way to get rid of them was to punch them. Yeeeah. The same mechanic is in AC2, but now it's male bards. And now I can punch without guilt! Yay!

I've bought the first six Assassin's Creed games, and I'm playing them in order. I'm gonna review as I go. Right now, I'm 5 hours in on Assassin's Creed I, playing with an XBox One controller. Here's some Good/Bad:

GOOD: The game (kind of) supports an Xbox One controller!
BAD: The game kind of supports an Xbox One controller. If you want to use a controller, this thread may help you: https://steamcommunity.com/app/15100/discussions/0/864949719223183067/
(15 hours in: I did a reinstall recently and got the bad old control scheme again. I'm not sure if it was the files in the link or a Steam controller profile that fixed things. Could've been both. Be prepared to change the in-game camera settings.)

GOOD: I feel like an archaeologist - I mean, 'cause I'm exploring the 12th Century Holy Land, yes - but really because I'm unearthing the bones of modern game mechanics.
BAD: But first, I unearthed an old game mechanic - the pre-tutorial tutorial. You know, that scene right at the top where you have a full complement of weapons and special moves and just as you're figuring out how they all work, the game kills you? I HATE the pre-tutorial tutorial.
(15 hours in: Pretty sure I STILL don't have all the moves & equipment from the pre-tutorial tutorial. Grrrrr.)

GOOD: Horsies!
BAD: Horsies < fast travel.
(15-hours-in: Kristen Bell sets you up with fast travel after Memory Block 3.)

GOOD: The horsies gallop and jump!
BAD: Galloping and jumping is illegal in the 12th Century. If you want to get from city-to-city quickly, you're gonna have medieval cops on your ass the whole ride.
(15 hours in: Alternately, you can dismount and murder any fool who comes running at you. "Okay, Old-English-speaking Crusader dudes: LET'S DO THIS!")

GOOD: Kristen Bell!
BAD: Kristen Bell is not my girlfriend in this game.
(15 hours in: Kristen Bell likes me enough to give me fast travel, but not enough to go out with me.)

GOOD: Climbing up walls to unlock a medieval cityscape!
BAD: Bouncing off walls instead of running up them - which will ALWAYS happen when the medieval cops are chasing you.
(15 hours in and I'm still doing this.)

GOOD: The fighting is easy!
BAD: It's also button-mashy.
(15 hours in: Yeah, turns out I'd gotten my triggers mixed up 'cause the in-game prompts are "button 4" and "button 5." Counter > Block, btw. It's really just a matter of hitting "attack" at the right time - and there's a pretty generous window to pull it off. So it's more button-timey than button-mashy, where the monotony is occasionally broken up with a new murder animation.)


GOOD: Saving annoying citizens through vigilante murder!
BAD: The citizens are REALLY annoying! Honestly, I've been doing the side missions just to shut these people up.
(15 hours in: Saving citizens is still my go-to side mission, as each rescued NPC gets you more ground cover - and makes the NPC shut the hell up. I really doubt I'll 100% any neighborhood in this game, but I will stand for JUSTICE--and murder.)

It has its uses, but don't expect it to replace the controller you're using now.

First thing to point out - there's a learning curve. The touchpad in place of the right stick will feel janky as hell at first. You'll need to figure out if you're more comfortable using the pad as a faux-stick or a faux-trackpad or a faux-trackball. And the Steam Controller Configurator has settings and dials and buttons for all that... which again, you'll need to learn. But play around with it even a little a bit, and you'll start seeing the potential..

I mainly use the Steam Controller for navigating my media center from the couch. But I've started using it on action games, thanks to the configurator - and the gyro. You can use the configurator to turn on the gyro with a trigger pull or button press, and hey presto! Super-precise sniper shooting!

(Also, super-precise mouse clicks when using my TV as a monitor.)

The shoulder buttons on the handles can be programmed for multi-key commands or alternate button presses, which opens the door to endless customizability. There's also default "chord" configurations using the Guide button in the center - which are also customizable.

(Chord configurations are available for other controllers, but I find they work best with the Steam Controller.)

Again, there's definitely a learning curve to it, but with the endless customizing options (and plenty of user-created configurations), you can get over that curve pretty fast.

So recommended, but only if you're willing to invest the time.

Get yer stealth-murder on.

MARK OF THE NINJA is a 2D side-scroller stealth game, with gobs of replayability.

Premise: you're a ninja. Specifically, a ninja with magical insanity-inducing tattoos. You sneak through levels on behalf of your clan, dispatching enemies quietly- or noisily - or just letting them live. Up to you, really.

The real fun of this game is how many different ways you can play it. With each level, you can equip different tools (for attack or distraction), and a different costume. The costumes and equipment unlock as you progress. Each costume and item has strengths and weaknesses, and each will change how you play. The Nightmare mask, for example (my current favorite) is built on terrorizing your enemies into murdering each other.

Heh heh heh.

If that's not your cuppa tea, that's okay. There are six (seven, if you got the DLC) costumes to choose from.

The achievements are very well done - they're challenging, but not impossible. Two playthroughs can get you all of them, though you may be tempted to keep going even after getting 100%

Highly recommended.

The Cave is set up like an old-school 2D side-scroller. Seven adventurers, each with a dark past, go down into a magical cave in a journey of self discovery. At the beginning of the game (which is narrated throughout by The Cave itself), you choose three of the seven advernturers and descend. Each section of The Cave is a puzzle that requires your three characters to work together. Three of the sections are uniquely designed (by the sentient Cave) for the characters you've chosen. In this way, The Cave encourages you to play though multiple times.

The drawback is that there's also three generic puzzle sections which you cannot skip. I'm on my second playthrough, and while it's nice that the game shuffles the order of the puzzles, it can be a drag to re-solve old puzzles to get to new content. And the achievements require you to play through the game... I don't know how many times, but I imagine The Cave's jokes (while clever) will start to wear thin on the fifth playthrough. If you really want to get 100% achievements, you might consider reviewing the achievement list online before you play, despite the mild spoilers.

I'd still recommend this game - the humor, art and story make this puzzle game very enjoyable and encourage multiple playthroughs. May get monotonous if you're looking for all the achievements.

A definite buy if it's on sale.

Hands-down, this is my favorite third-person platformer.

Back in '06, this is the game I would reference when confronted by people who thought video games were nothing more than brain-rotting gore-fests: "well, my favorite game right now is called Psychonauts. You jump into people's brains and win the level by sorting out their emotional problems. You also vacuum up their mental cobwebs and unpack their emotional baggage. Literally."

Argument won, right there.