Well I had my two big hitters, BLOODASAURUS REX and TWICH FROM LEAGUE. They were my pride and joy. Bloodasaurus would legit 1 shot lower tier units, twitch from league was basically clint eastwood droppin kids left and right from afar with his pistols. Well. Then Twitch from got hit in the head by a rat ogre. Ok, so he survived. You'd think "Sure he'd recover right?" No. He was hit so hard that his eye was knocked loose, they had to take it out. Now you have a tactical gun slinging pro who has no depth perception. So, one mission Bloodasaurus and Twitch are out there and Twitch says "I see an enemy a bit aways" so Bloodasaurus turns to get ready. Twitch with that damned depth perception issue neglected to say that a bit aways is literally ontop of Bloodasaurus. So, bloodasaurus got his head bashed in by a gnome looking dude with a stick. So the next day rolls around, Bloodasaurus recovers and SURPRISE SURPRISE he has head trauma. Oh but head injuries heal right? In mordeheim a head injury is the equivalent of being 50% vegetable. Bloodasaurus was bred for war, not for thinkin! So now at the start of every turn there is an 80% chance, that number isn't a joke, that he just stands there drooling like an animal. So now you have a sniper with no depth perception and the world's strongest potato.

Oh it gets worse.

A mission later, this HUGE mf from the enemy team rolls in sporting like, 3 six packs adjacently lined up on his chest and the cold dead eyes of a carnivorous beast. Needless to say we got wiped out. GET THIS.

TWITCH LOSES A LEG. BLOODASAURUS LOSES AN ARM.

So when my measly group of idiots finally recover, Twitch can no longer climb. So, he's now a sniper who can neither aim OR get into any sniping positions.

However Bloodasaurus is a bit more fortunate! Turns out that only having one arm and being brain dead makes you a swingin machine! I slapped a mace in his hands and boom! He gets a damage increase, agility increase, and an accuracy increase cause he doesn't have the weight of his old arm! Tbh, Bloodasaurus makes me wish all my melee units had their arms cut off.

Ok so sniping is no longer viable for twitch but he is still a strong asset! So I slap some daggers in his hands and hire a new ranged guy who I call NUCLEAR CANCER. Nuclear on account that all of his stuff is a huge aoe, and cancer on the account he has no hair.

Ok so, twitch, nuclear cancer, and Bloodasaurus are now all out. It's been a few missions, I'm adjusted to my new can and can'ts of my team. They're doing good! Until I see this pink shmeegy fellow in some library.

He's wigglin and wobblin and I decide HEY! You know, why not kill him/CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH EVERY ENEMY/

Oh boy I was in for a ride

See, nuclear cancer was a spell caster. Now, in this game, all spells cast have a chance to backfire and instead horrbily mutilate your character. Why? Because Mordeheim hates you.

So I instruct Nuclear cancer to nuke the hell out of the pink guy.

He tried his best.

Instead he cast a spell that made him blind, and also made him act haywire. Well, that's ok right? What can a blind rogue nuclear cancer patient do?

So twitch engages the pink guy. Misses his strike, on account of the one eye.

Bloodasaurus stands there, wondering where his arm went.

My turn ends, enemy turn begins. The fan was hit so hard that it shook the building.

Pink guy does some weird witchy mumbo jumbo, splits into TWO PINK GUYS. Second pink guy is like "Hey that's neat, but watch this!" and HE SPLITS AS WELL! Wanna guess what the third pink guy did?

So now twitch is balls deep in an army of 8 units, which is like... a lot of units. And the turn ends, my team survives! I look to see who's first up to bat, it's nuclear cancer.

Nuclear cancer takes it upon himself to try to nuke all of the bad guys! Good for him! Only you know, he's blind and also he's stupid and so instead he stunned and damaged both twitch, Bloodasaurus, and himself! Wowie!

Bloodasaurus's turn, AND HE SOMEHOW RECOVERS FROM THE STUN but then just stands there giggling to himself about how many pink fellows are about to give him the business.

Twitch's turn passes, stunned.

Enemy turn!

Pink guy attacks twitch. Pink guy attacks twitch. Pink guy attacks twitch. Pink guy attacks twitch. Pink guy attacks Bloodasaurus. Pink guy attacks Bloodasaurus. Pink guy attacks Bloodasaurus.

They both lose consciousness.

My turn rolls around. Nuclear cancer nukes himself. I guess his thought process is he will combat his ailments by literally combatting his ailments? I dunno.

Next turn, pink guys all line up and Nuclear Cancer needs a therapist.

Battle ends, I lost. I go to next page to see what the permanent damages are.

Nuclear Cancer died. Bloodasaurus died. Twitch now has head trauma. Oh, and he lost a hand.

My three best units, in a single game, were reduced to a single retarded rat with one hand and one leg and on eye.


MY THREE BEST UNITS WERE REDUCED TO A SINGLE BRAIN DEAD PIRATE.