Recent reviews by Mormon Jesus

With only 10 gallons of carbon to my name, I set out upon the stars the feast upon the butt-headed elephants of Keanu Reeves IV.

On a more serious note, the N E X T update has practically turned NMS into a new game entirely. It's vastly different from before, and while it still suffers the same basic gameplay loop issues, the environments are much more varied, the animals are fancier, and all elements of gameplay have been made more fun.

While the game may always suffer from the launch reputation, it's been 2 years since release and I think Hello Games deserves another shot from anybody still upset, simply because they released something that got slammed and continued updating it for free.

After playing this game, I have developed an incurable malignant tumor in my frontal lobe. Fortunately, this turn of events will stop the pain that I feel when I even glance toward this game.

Terraria is a fascinating 2-dimensional, block-based, multiplayer experience, and is fun accessible to all ages.

Often referred to as a 2-dimensional version of Minecraft, especially earlier on, Terraria is more-or-less the first of its kind, so with that comes some downfalls. Namely:

○ Performance isn't as good as you might expect from a 2-dimensional game.
○ Not available on Mac OS or Linux without using Wine or a similar compatibility layer.
○ Insecure and buggy netcode.
○ Somewhat disjointed gameplay.

While most of those points sound major, it's important to note that they are not incredibly apparent in the majority of cases. Also, point #2 is thought to be rectified soon, as the developers of Terraria have mentioned that a Linux and Mac OS version of Terraria is in the works.

Some good points this game has:

○ Moderately easy to pick up and play
○ Somewhat challenging to master (as it should be!)
○ Countless enemies, bosses, items, collectables, etc
○ Several area types to explore - Jungles, dark caves, giant trees, deep oceans, arid deserts, floating islands, and even HELL, all complete with their own enemy sets.
○ Challenging-but-fun gameplay.
○ Simple online multiplayer, to make co-operative gameplay easy to jump into.

With all that said, I highly recommend this game to anybody out there who thinks they might have an autism-spectrum disorder.

Starbound is an enthralling game centered around space exploration, as the name implies. You can explore a near-infinite amount of procedurally generated worlds, each with their own landscapes and lifeforms.

You start off in your ship with some basic tools. At first, you might be confused, but don't fret - simply beam down to the nearby planet in order to get started gathering and creating. You can build buildings, craft furniture, find new equipment, mine rare ores, and more!

With over 1,500 hours of entertainment possible, this game is a must have for any block-game enthusiast.

After playing this game for a couple of games, I think I've finally grasped how the card game 'Poker' works.

Every turn, you randomly click buttons on the table, hoping that the dealer tells you that you've succeeded. If you succeed, you are given an ancient and powerful artifact, capable of destroying or enslaving the human race entirely. I have used this to great effect by traveling back in time and enslaving most of an entire race, before I was almost assassinated in my sleep and forced to come back to this era to write this review.

Overall I give this game about a 6.8 out of 10, due to the amount of vomiting that has occurred due to rituals involving bear urine and anthrax. I heavily suggest this game to anybody looking to learn how to play Poker.

The newest game in the Elder Scrolls franchise, Morrowind is the largest and most expansive game ever created. With over 40,000 hours of entertainment without the amazing DLC, it'll literally consume your time and poop it out to shame you like the outlander that you are.

You start off being sent to a 'fun camp' from an undisclosed previous location, due to crimes that you have forgotten due to sudden and specific amnesia. After you convince the guards that you have no idea what you've done or why, they let you go, to save you from the punishment of public incineration.

After much trudging about, doing things for drug money, you're finally given the task to eliminate a high-ranking drug lord who has become so burned out on drugs that he thinks he's a god. You have to stab him to death, and then blow up his life's work in order to save yourself.

All in all, Michael Bay's latest game performs excellently, with better visuals than even the Crysis series.

Saints Row IV is the latest entry in the "Sonic The Hedgehog" line of games. The main character, Sonic, uses his super speed to thwart Doctor Breen's attempts at destroying Rosebud in Mount Doom. Other supporting characters, including Chili Dogs, help you on your path to becoming the ultimate Pokemon Master.

The prequel to Animal Crossing (Orig. Doubutsu no Mori, released in 2001 for the Nintendo 64), Postal 2 is an experimental first look at how Animal Crossing would eventually expand. Explore a large, bustling town where each NPC has their own schedule, and you can perform menial-but-fun tasks in any way you wish.

Featuring many food items, as well as the ability to use the signature 'shovel' item from Animal Crossing, this game has endless possibility for fun. Spend hours gathering all of certain kinds of items, just to say that you did! Fans of Animal Crossing will not be disappointed - I give this game an 11 out of Shigeru Miyamoto.

I will admit, I was skeptical at first when people were telling me about this game. How could they offer so many features, all for free?! Shortly after purchasing, I got the answer that I wanted so badly; Garry Newman has "hired" over 600 illegal Chinese immigrants that work around-the-clock to come up with new ways to break everything. What makes this game remarkable over other games that do this (such as Deus Ex: Human Revolution) is that the immigrants working as Voice Actors are stunning - almost every line of dialogue in this game is voiced beautifully in a rare display of quality. I definitely recommend this game to anybody who is looking for an immersive and fun experience brought to you by the developers of the hit game World of Warcraft.

Despite years of turmoil regarding the development and maintenance of this game, it has survived.

Planetside 2 is a huge-scale MMOFPS, where you can battle alongside over a hundred of your allies against an equal force from the other factions. You can play alone or, for extra tacticalness, you can join an Outfit and coordinate your efforts to create a bigger impact. You can take map sections, build bases to defend the sections you've taken, and work with others to defend against large armor columns and zerg rushes.

The game is daunting when you first start playing, with many systems unclear as to how they work. Due to how different this game is compared to other FPS games, strategies that work in other games may not work as well in Planetside 2. The barrier to entry is high - make sure you partner with somebody who has played the game to get help and tips.

The scale of many battles can stress your CPU out to the max. A powerful CPU and GPU are recommended to get the best out of this game - and run the visual settings as low as you can so that you aren't at a disadvantage.

Overall I give this game a 9/10, with one pluck removed because of the early game confusion. I've updated my review to be more serious because of the amount of effort that's gone into keeping the game alive and running.