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MMB still doesn't work and the program doesn't work for remapping MMB functionality to keyboard. So original point still stands, this just cleared up a red herring that could have thrown people off the real problem.
And yeah, I think I'm going to have to buy a new mouse just to be able to ping uncharted grids. #feelsbad
I have 2 hours until I leave to buy a new mouse. If anyone fixes this in the mean time to where I can simply rebind my key wins a butt load of points
Go look and theres like 3 wired mice in it, one of which is the old naga I had. Turns out, all buttons work. Case Closed :D