Funny Jokes for CCCP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[So much big beautiful winning]

Hi I'm Vodka and today here I share Communist jokes!!

#1 Political joke
A good commrade once asked Commrade Stalin, "Commrade Generalisimo Stalin, do you have a beloved hobby you like to doo?"
"Da, tovarish!", said tovarish Stalin.
"What is your hobby, Товарищ Сталин?"
"Collecting political jokes"
"How many jokes did you collect so far?
"About.....two and a half labor camps full."

#2 Communist heaven
One day, the beloved leader, Commrade Lenin, died, and his spirit was sent to Communist Heaven.
Over there, he was suprised to see Karl Marx and other glorious Communist thinkers.
"Greetings commrade, how is the world doing now with the revolution fired up?", asked Karl.
"Oh, it's doing great!! Now there're no rich people in Communist lands.", replied Lenin.
"Oh no, I was saying in my book that there would be NO POOR PEOPLE under communist rules."

#3 NKVD
One night on a train heading towards Stalingrad, 4 people were in a cabinet. 3 of them were joking about Stalin and the government, and the last guy wanted to sleep and asked them to stfu!
So he said, "Commrades, do you know that...thaat NKVD is everywhere...really everywhere!"
"Nah, you drunk, Dimitri. Shut up! And let us talk.", said the rest of the group.
So Dimitri went outside and saw a train lady nearby, and he said to her, "Here is 50 kopeks, can you bring me some tea in 5 minutes or so later?"
"Ok sure, thanks."
Dimitri returned to the room, and said to the other peepo, "Here, let me show you that NKVD is listening just now." He walked up to a wall, and unscrewed the lightblup on the wall, and then he said, "Commrade Major, can you maybe send us some tea in around 5 minutes please?".
Then Dimitri screwed back the lightbulb and proceeded to wait.
Soon enough, the lady came with the tea, and after that, everyone just STFU.
Dimitri was happy, and so he went to sleep happily ever after.

The next day, he woke up and there was no one in the room. He went to ask the train lady.
"Where is everyone?", asked Dimitri.
"Oh, don't you know? The NKVD stopped the train in the middle of the night, snatched everyone, and took them to the gulag. Oh and also, Commrade Major really liked your joke." )))

#4 Commrade Nikita Khrushchev
After a forced "retirement", Commrade Khrushchev went to the communist career center and looked for job opportunities. Immediately, after shaking a few hands, a doctor came to him, and asked him to join the Soviet Cancer Institute, to fight cancer for The MOTHERLAND!!!!

Understandbly, Commrade Khrushchev was shocked!! "But..but, I am not a doctor! I don't have a medical degree!", said Khrushchev.
The doctor looked at him, confused. And then he said, "Well, Commrade Khrushchev, you don't have a degree in agriculture, nor a Phd, and you made bread and potatoes disappear. Surely, you can make cancer disappear as well?!".

Commrade Khrushchev shook his hand but died the day after, because of cancer.......

#5 Prison terms
In the gulag, two prisoners, Ivan and Alex, were having a chat.

Ivan asked Alex, "So, how long is your sentence?"
"I got 10 years.", replied Alex.
"Ah, well, I got 15 years.", said Ivan.
"So what did you do to get 15 years?", asked Alex, curiously.

"Nothing....", said Ivan quietly.

"Nonsense! they gave us 10 years just for nothing. So what did you do exactly? You got 15 years you must have done something. Come on!", said Alex, pryingly.


#6 Communism

Nikolai and Dimitriov are standing at the bus station on a cold Khakov morning. Drimitriov lights up his pipe, take a looong drag and says "Commrade Nikolai, I was doing some deep thinking this morning in the bathtub. What do YOU think? Could we spread Communism to America"??

Commrade Nikolai rubs his chin slowly, and replies..." Ahhh, I'm sure we could Commrade!! But then who would we buy our grain from"??

#7 Farmer
A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

#8 For the party
Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.
"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"
"Yes, I do a little."
"Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"
"If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."
"Do you drink?"
"Yes, a little."
"Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."
"Then I shall cease drinking."
"Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"
"A little...."
"Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"
"If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."
"Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"
"Of course. Who needs such life?"

[So much big beautiful winning]

glorious maxim boi の投稿を引用：

thanks for the daily does of cringe

You are very welcome, commrade!
Spread the laugh, spread the jokes, and most of all spread COMMUNISM!!!!!
We are all EQUAL human beings who love jokes!!!! especially communist ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[screechin kfc boi]

V_for_Vodka の投稿を引用：

glorious maxim boi の投稿を引用：

thanks for the daily does of cringe

You are very welcome, commrade!
Spread the laugh, spread the jokes, and most of all spread COMMUNISM!!!!!
We are all EQUAL human beings who love jokes!!!! especially communist ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well cringy is quite the opposite of funny

[So much big beautiful winning]

glorious maxim boi の投稿を引用：

V_for_Vodka の投稿を引用：

You are very welcome, commrade!
Spread the laugh, spread the jokes, and most of all spread COMMUNISM!!!!!
We are all EQUAL human beings who love jokes!!!! especially communist ones!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well cringy is quite the opposite of funny

Oh no,
I was referring to the last joke by the seemingly Western spy.
Look up the last joke. A Soviet working man never took a bath in the morning.
It is counter revolutionary. He is a Western Spy.
And thus, the joke is Western and a LIE!!!!

[So much big beautiful winning]

ck00021 の投稿を引用：

#6 Communism

Nikolai and Dimitriov are standing at the bus station on a cold Khakov morning. Drimitriov lights up his pipe, take a looong drag and says "Commrade Nikolai, I was doing some deep thinking this morning in the bathtub. What do YOU think? Could we spread Communism to America"??

Commrade Nikolai rubs his chin slowly, and replies..." Ahhh, I'm sure we could Commrade!! But then who would we buy our grain from"??

Western SPY!!!! SHOOT HIM!!!!!!!!

[So much big beautiful winning]

#7 Farmer
A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

[So much big beautiful winning]

#8 For the party
Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.
"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"
"Yes, I do a little."
"Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"
"If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."
"Do you drink?"
"Yes, a little."
"Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."
"Then I shall cease drinking."
"Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"
"A little...."
"Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"
"If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."
"Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"
"Of course. Who needs such life?"

[[e-mail]]

"Sir, who do I do, if i would happen to step on a mine?"
"The standart procedure recommends to jump six meters high in the air and spread out around the area."

Soviets recieve some bread to get something to eat and immidiately start complaining.
The commisar tries to shut them up, saying that their grandfathers also got bread before charging into Napoleons army and were grateful. One of the soldiers says: "But at that time, the bread was still fresh"

[Maschinengewehr]

V_for_Vodka の投稿を引用：

#7 Farmer
A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

Not bad, not bad.


My grandfather died in a gulag...


He fell off a guard tower.

[So much big beautiful winning]

Maschinengewehr の投稿を引用：

V_for_Vodka の投稿を引用：

#7 Farmer
A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

Not bad, not bad.


My grandfather died in a gulag...


He fell off a guard tower.

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope what happened to him had nothing do with my obvious namesake.

[So much big beautiful winning]

adamír@magnum の投稿を引用：

"Sir, who do I do, if i would happen to step on a mine?"
"The standart procedure recommends to jump six meters high in the air and spread out around the area."

Soviets recieve some bread to get something to eat and immidiately start complaining.
The commisar tries to shut them up, saying that their grandfathers also got bread before charging into Napoleons army and were grateful. One of the soldiers says: "But at that time, the bread was still fresh"

Not bad, I liked!

[BloodRave375]

adamír@magnum の投稿を引用：

"Sir, who do I do, if i would happen to step on a mine?"
"The standart procedure recommends to jump six meters high in the air and spread out around the area."

Love the Blackadder reference.

[XvX]

What's the difference between the Soviet Union and a ♥♥♥♥♥?

None. They're both cheap, easy and spreads diseases.

[So much big beautiful winning]

SimplyDelicious の投稿を引用：

What's the difference between the Soviet Union and a ♥♥♥♥♥?

None. They're both cheap, easy and spreads diseases.

Not funny, because it is not a joke. Try HARDER, commrade.
Use socialist ingenuity!!! "Proceeding to tape the brain with my own index finger"

[Maschinengewehr]

SimplyDelicious の投稿を引用：

What's the difference between the Soviet Union and a ♥♥♥♥♥?

None. They're both cheap, easy and spreads diseases.

That's more like China lol.

[BloodRave375]

What's the difference between an and Commissar?
The Commissar will shoot you for looking at him funny