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The Coffin

Flood tolerance? Such words describe the bullet-intolerant body of a jellyfish. Safety? A fictional construct created by Big OSHA to sell you "seatbelts" and "hard hats". Firepower? The language of Europa.

Enter The Coffin, a submarine that is violence incarnate. Scientists say this menace is capable of careening through the waters at the speed of "Aaah", and that the fully featured engineering suite is loud enough to drown out screaming. With perfect turret coverage and four ammo racks, there's nowhere to hide from this roaring insurance risk. Meticulous care has been taken to ensure that every inch of this sub is within sight of a weapon holder, so that you don't need to fear for your masculinity ever again. Originally this sub had only two turrets, but due to popular demand we doubled it. At four turrets and two loaders, some might say shooting more than two guns at once is impossible. But we all know that if your fingers are fast enough, there's just no such thing as impossible.

No internal doors and an open floorplan means that you simply can't get more ballast than this. While the Orca boasts a rapid dive speed, the Coffin laughs, because a real captain knows that the entire sub is a ballast for those who are brave enough. With no unnecessary features like "walls" and "bulkheads" to interrupt the flow of work, the crew can parkour freely. Fancy inventions like ladders are gone too, because what can a ladder do that a tightly bound bundle of cables running to the ceiling can't? What is a liability clause, but a direct challenge? We both know that trimming the airlock down to a brisk eight inches wide was the right choice, and neither lawyers nor Big OSHA can tell us otherwise.

Of course, that's not all we did. Why put metal between the crew and the seas they love? A thin glass window in the front lets you stare death in the eyes as you hurtle towards it. And no internal walls means perfect visibility, forcing boarders to fight on your terms. A mudraptor might be an armored nightmare, but it's soiling its armor in fear when it tears through your hull only to realize that it's entered the Coffin. The entire crew has line-of-sight and a mad glint in their eyes, while the last fleeting moments of that mudraptor's life will be spent regretting the day it challenged you.

After extensive testing and feedback, the Coffin has been equipped with a solution for dealing with ballast flora. A final solution, you might say, as we've strapped a depth charge loader to the bottom and rigged it up to fire inwards at the push of a button. Furthermore, we have been hearing from you, our valued customers, that a "Dark Mode" stealth option should be considered. Our designers physically retched at this suggestion, and instead opted to add a "Light Mode" button that turns on additional lights bright enough to singe the retinas of every rabid hammerhead in a half mile radius. I'd recommend using these new features with caution, but then, that's not what this sub is made for.