True story ↓

I cannot explain to you how much I miss drinking and partying till 6 am at this current point
Normally I would go to my friends bar and drink for like 4 hours and then drink with them as they close.
Now all I can do is go home and play dota with crab

December 31st 2021 - I sat in my chair furiously masturbating my ♥♥♥♥ desperate to release gallons of sperm but I resisted the urge and I kept edging for 5 minutes carefully watching the clock on my PC. I waited in anticipation until finally it was 2022. I ejaculated releasing loads and loads of gooey white ♥♥♥ everywhere, I moaned with satisfaction, proud of my achievement.

I had just become the first person to ♥♥♥ in 2022. I look over my ♥♥♥ filled desk and chair with pride.

So all of you can go cry, because none of you will be able to claim my title of first person to ♥♥♥ in 2022. Go wallow in sorrow and self-pity at the fact that you missed the opportunity to ejaculate just when it reached the New Year at midnight. While you subhuman mere mortals are setting of fireworks at midnight, I am blasting a massive explosion of ♥♥♥ everywhere. Oh yes, I am now superior to everyone on the planet, bow down to me, the ♥♥♥ lord of 2022.

Hello, concerned father here. My son has recently got into the game called Fortnite? I've spent well over $500 on this game and its becoming a problem. Apparently the game is down right now and its causing a lot distress for my child. He keeps taking my newspaper and tries to "full piece" me. I don't know what this means but I'm starting to think its something associated with the devil. He won't come with us anywhere unless we take a "launch pad" to get there. Its starting to get worse by the hour and I don't know how much longer I can take this. His legs, arms, and hands are shaking violently yet he refuses to take any type of medicine unless its a "big pot" or "chuggies." Someone please help me.

I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hate Stuart Little. I know what you’re thinking, this is some kind of funny joke, but no. Stuart Little is a piece of ♥♥♥♥. A damn rat got picked over actual children at an orphanage and he’s supposed to be a hero? And I can’t even tell you how many damn times I’ve seen a great parking space only to turn the corner and realise Stuart Little is already parked there in his stupid little ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ convertible. He took my wife and the kids and my house and my job. I swear to ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ god, I’m going to kill myself and take that ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ rodent to hell with me. Stuart Little has ruined my family. Last summer, I approached the miserable mouse in the street, and asked him for his autograph, because my son is a huge fan. The ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ rat gave me the autograph and told me to burn in hell. Later, when I gave my son the autograph he started crying and said he hated me.

Yeah! You're gay