Be the drunk driver, he always lives.

Early one morning, late one night, two dead brothers got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot one another.
A deaf police man heard the noise, came and killed the two dead boys.
If you don't believe my story is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

When you hear your housemate having loud sex, the best thing to do is kick down the door and shout "Player 3 has entered the game!"

I have decided to switch Fridays to Mondays, which means that Friday will now take place on Monday, but since this is Tuesday it doesn't matter in the slightest.

Split your lungs with blood and thunder when you see the white whale! Break your backs and crack your oars men, if you wish to prevail. This ivory leg is what propels me, harpoons thrust in the sky! Aim directly for his crooked brow, and look him straight in the eye!
WHITE WHALE!!! HOLY GRAIL!!!!

Easter ♥♥♥♥♥ and shortbread jim are now putting their lives on the line to retrieve the crown to save the kingdom. They have defeated tunic tate with rainbow cumnuggets of doom.


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"My hamster cant drive properly and im still snorting coke like mad!"

If you've never raped an elderly toddler, while using gravy as lube, then you don't know ♥♥♥♥ about videos games.

"Yo mama" jokes were never meant to make you "ROFL!". These jokes were intended to be insulting and not "OH MAI GAWD SO FUNNY I HIT MY HEAD WITH MY PENIS!"

It's like ''Grease: The Next Generation'' acted out by the food-court staff at SeaWorld.

Putting the laughter back in slaughter.

House Mouse: Sometimes I like to rub pants that I don't wear to pretend I'm ultramasturbating.

Malacav: How is it that when a man gets in a golf cart he turns into a complete ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥♥♥
House Mouse: Because golf carts are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ vessels of the old gods, used to channel into the rich men who can afford them, so they may be punished for their greed.

[Crookedetu] HUG ME U ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥