You might try and correct me with a limp-wristed rebuttal like "But I can't be milked".

You can be milked.
I swear upon the visage of every God, every deity and every being of greater power. I promise to you that I will milk you. I will milk each and every single one of you snivelling, hyper-active, slow-witted little wretches.
God will not save you, Allah will turn the other cheek, even Santa Claus will bury his eyes deep into his long, vaguely paedophilic list of underage children in order to avoid responsibility for the milking that will happen to you.

The reason that I will be milking you varies from person-to-person. So I will provide a list of potential crimes that justify the punishment, I instruct you to apply yourself to this list in whatever way is potentially relevant:

1. You retained a childish and immature mindset and conversed with me as if you had the social skills of a small Indian Boy raised by wolves in the jungle. (Which is to say zero.)

2. You behaved within the video game in which we played together like a vindictive, small minded imbecile, ruining the experience for all of your team mates because nobody taught you in preschool to share with others. (The importance of why this is concerning is definitely lost on you.)

3. You instigated unsportsmanlike behaviour entirely of your own accord, which shows the unhealthy relationship you have with the concept of competition. That you are not socially sophisticated enough handle the complex emotions that come with maintaining friendly airs whilst attempting to beat another person in an activity.

4. You are full of milk and you must be cleansed.

Now that you are aware of why you are being milked all that is left is to simply lay on your back, press your knees up to your chest, squeeze your eyes shut and perhaps sing your favourite song softly out loud so you can self-soothe whilst the milking happens.
You will not like it, I will not like it, but it must be done nonetheless.


There is one single way in which to avoid a 47-minute long milking session by some of the coldest hands you've ever felt touch your body...

... would you like to know?

If you want me to stay my hand and leave your soft, supple body untouched by a 6 foot 2, broad shouldered behemoth. I need something from you. Something very specific. Something that only YOU can give me.

... ready?

Milk Yourself.
I told you that you were going to be milked. I swore upon the Gods that you would be milked. However I will accept self flagellation as the only means of escape from my cold, powerful fingers.
Milk yourself right now. Once you finish reading this eloquently fabricated threat, you will move onto your bed or perhaps a shower receptacle and milk yourself until there is no milk left inside of you.
You will debase yourself and feel shame deep within your gut. A disgusting, squirming shame that refuses to sit still inside of you.

It is only when you are completely empty and the shame of your actions have been atoned for, can you be pure.
Turn the game back on, play another round and this time you will be better. You will DO better. Play with a clear state of mind.

Toxicity is pathetic. Childish behaviour proves only that you are a child and nothing more. You are not clever, you are not edgy. A thousand children sinned before you and thousands of children are going to do it after you, and all of them will think they are just as original as you thought about yourself.
You do nothing but prove that you are funny only to other slack-jawed children, you are insufficient in both IQ & EQ and you are too stupid to realise that you're a drop of rancid piss in a bucket already filled with piss that is rancid.


You have been milked. Either by my hands or your own.
Not unlike venom from a snake bite, it has been expelled from your system. Both the milk and the toxicity.
You will be pure. You will be smarter. You will be original which in turn results in you being funnier to your peers...

... and most of all, the people who were just like you will look pathetic in your eyes now. The sh*t-tinted glasses are removed and you see them for what they really are. Morons. Gibbering handicapped ingrates who can barely string a sentence together without jamming in a 'tbh' or 'ngl' or 'bet' involuntarily like they have Tourette syndrome.

You will never be the same, and you will never want to be the same again.

Nobody cares about what you or I have to say about anything. Your opinion doesn't matter, your + or - rep doesn't matter. This isn't linkedin.

Before you comment, consider this...

... Who gives a f**k?