You wanna know about my thumb do ya boy? Intrigue you does it boy? My thumb? Let me tell you about it. I come from a long line of hitchhikers. All with bleedin’ massive thumbs. You see the thumb is a tremendous boon to the hitchhiker. Helps with work. You know what I mean? The only problem was, when I was a child, my thumb was tiny. Not just tiny like a single sugar puff. Disgusting. Even me own mother would reel back in horror. Like an anaconda. “OHH what is it? Get it out of here! It’s tiny! It’s ‘orrible! It’s revolting! Take your tiny thumb, and get out of here and never darken my door again,” she’d say. I had to leave the family unit, in search of a miracle. I wandered the streets, looking for the answer. And people told me of a magic shaman, part man part hornet. So I went looking for ‘im. I went everywhere! I combed the universe, in search of the stripey insect shaman. Turns out he was in a local primary school, in the bin, reeling about with the apple cores, like they do. And I stood there, with my thumb out, and he stung it! And he stung it! And he grabbed onto it! It was like he was making love to it wiv his sting.

In and out! In and out! More and more! Ohhh the pus! The pain! The black voodoo! The wet jigsaw puzzle! I didn’t know what was happening! Ohhh for days I was in a trance! But when I came to, there it was! Like a fleshy maraca! A THUMB, of gigantic proportion. “A miracle!” I said, “A miracle! You’re a true wizard! How can I ever repay ya?” and he said to me “Five hundred euros”. “FIVE HUNDRED EUROS? You won’t see penny one from me you slag!” And as I raised my thumb up, to smash his tiny skull in, I could see in his little insect face, I could see him thinking “OHHH, I created that monster! I created that thumb, and now it’s killing me! My own beast and creation! Killing me dead! The sweet irony.” I think he was saying that, although it was a long time ago, and in hindsight, he could’ve just been ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ himself.