Funny Jokes for CCCP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[So much big beautiful winning]

Hi I'm Vodka and today here I share Communist jokes!!

#1 Political joke
A good commrade once asked Commrade Stalin, "Commrade Generalisimo Stalin, do you have a beloved hobby you like to doo?"
"Da, tovarish!", said tovarish Stalin.
"What is your hobby, Товарищ Сталин?"
"Collecting political jokes"
"How many jokes did you collect so far?
"About.....two and a half labor camps full."

#2 Communist heaven
One day, the beloved leader, Commrade Lenin, died, and his spirit was sent to Communist Heaven.
Over there, he was suprised to see Karl Marx and other glorious Communist thinkers.
"Greetings commrade, how is the world doing now with the revolution fired up?", asked Karl.
"Oh, it's doing great!! Now there're no rich people in Communist lands.", replied Lenin.
"Oh no, I was saying in my book that there would be NO POOR PEOPLE under communist rules."

#3 NKVD
One night on a train heading towards Stalingrad, 4 people were in a cabinet. 3 of them were joking about Stalin and the government, and the last guy wanted to sleep and asked them to stfu!
So he said, "Commrades, do you know that...thaat NKVD is everywhere...really everywhere!"
"Nah, you drunk, Dimitri. Shut up! And let us talk.", said the rest of the group.
So Dimitri went outside and saw a train lady nearby, and he said to her, "Here is 50 kopeks, can you bring me some tea in 5 minutes or so later?"
"Ok sure, thanks."
Dimitri returned to the room, and said to the other peepo, "Here, let me show you that NKVD is listening just now." He walked up to a wall, and unscrewed the lightblup on the wall, and then he said, "Commrade Major, can you maybe send us some tea in around 5 minutes please?".
Then Dimitri screwed back the lightbulb and proceeded to wait.
Soon enough, the lady came with the tea, and after that, everyone just STFU.
Dimitri was happy, and so he went to sleep happily ever after.

The next day, he woke up and there was no one in the room. He went to ask the train lady.
"Where is everyone?", asked Dimitri.
"Oh, don't you know? The NKVD stopped the train in the middle of the night, snatched everyone, and took them to the gulag. Oh and also, Commrade Major really liked your joke." )))

#4 Commrade Nikita Khrushchev
After a forced "retirement", Commrade Khrushchev went to the communist career center and looked for job opportunities. Immediately, after shaking a few hands, a doctor came to him, and asked him to join the Soviet Cancer Institute, to fight cancer for The MOTHERLAND!!!!

Understandbly, Commrade Khrushchev was shocked!! "But..but, I am not a doctor! I don't have a medical degree!", said Khrushchev.
The doctor looked at him, confused. And then he said, "Well, Commrade Khrushchev, you don't have a degree in agriculture, nor a Phd, and you made bread and potatoes disappear. Surely, you can make cancer disappear as well?!".

Commrade Khrushchev shook his hand but died the day after, because of cancer.......

#5 Prison terms
In the gulag, two prisoners, Ivan and Alex, were having a chat.

Ivan asked Alex, "So, how long is your sentence?"
"I got 10 years.", replied Alex.
"Ah, well, I got 15 years.", said Ivan.
"So what did you do to get 15 years?", asked Alex, curiously.

"Nothing....", said Ivan quietly.

"Nonsense! they gave us 10 years just for nothing. So what did you do exactly? You got 15 years you must have done something. Come on!", said Alex, pryingly.


#6 Communism

Nikolai and Dimitriov are standing at the bus station on a cold Khakov morning. Drimitriov lights up his pipe, take a looong drag and says "Commrade Nikolai, I was doing some deep thinking this morning in the bathtub. What do YOU think? Could we spread Communism to America"??

Commrade Nikolai rubs his chin slowly, and replies..." Ahhh, I'm sure we could Commrade!! But then who would we buy our grain from"??

#7 Farmer
A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

#8 For the party
Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.
"Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?"
"Yes, I do a little."
"Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?"
"If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."
"Do you drink?"
"Yes, a little."
"Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."
"Then I shall cease drinking."
"Comrade Ivanov, what about women?"
"A little...."
"Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"
"If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."
"Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"
"Of course. Who needs such life?"

[So much big beautiful winning]

Maschinengewehr の投稿を引用：

SimplyDelicious の投稿を引用：

What's the difference between the Soviet Union and a ♥♥♥♥♥?

None. They're both cheap, easy and spreads diseases.

That's more like China lol.

Hmmmm, maybe you are right.

[So much big beautiful winning]

BUDBloodRave375 の投稿を引用：

What's the difference between an and Commissar?
The Commissar will shoot you for looking at him funny

What's...an??? you know English??

[StarlingKing]

"Grandma, was Lenin good?" asks the grandson.
"Of course, grandson, he was good," replies the grandmother.
"And Stalin, grandma, was bad?" asks the grandson.
"Bad, of course," replies the grandmother.
"And Khruschev, grandma, what's he?" asks the grandson.
"When he dies, we'll know," replies the grandmother.

[[e-mail]]

Lenin is taking his last breaths, so he calls Stalin to his death bed and says to him: "Comrade, I´m afraid people will not follow you"
Stalin replies: "If not me, then they will follow YOU.

Also a conversation between two prisoner:
"What did you end up in Gulag for?"
"I watched Comrade Stalin through a binocular."
"I didnt know they would lock someone up for that."
"It might be because the binocular was attached to a rifle."

[BloodRave375]

V_for_Vodka の投稿を引用：

BUDBloodRave375 の投稿を引用：

What's the difference between an and Commissar?
The Commissar will shoot you for looking at him funny

What's...an??? you know English??

Typo on my part. What's the difference between a Soviet officer and a Commissar?
The Commissar shoots you for looking at him funny.

[So much big beautiful winning]

Most of my jokes, I learnt from my grandparents!! May them rest in peace.

If you like more, let me know.

Thanks. Up Down Right Left