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I myself don't practice KOS, never have and probably never will... been KOS'd myself more times than not. Didn't like it the last time it happened any more than the first time it happened.
But, as far as I know this "game" did NOT come with a rule book and for the sake of the game it should, and I trust will be; They better not write one now! :j
The KOS will be much more "natural" in the way that people do it when you're playing of a persistent private shard server. What I mean is, people will do things like lie in wait and set traps for you to get your stuff, trying for a headshot and saving ammo. The KOS that sucks is the guys in military gear running around on full auto. The private shard means without server hopping anyone with good gear has tried very hard to get and keep it. They will be cautious and not wreckless. More like it might be in real life.
I don't play KOS, but I support it.
However, I agree that the DayZ community is lousy in terms of it's mentality most of the time. I think this is because killing people in the game sets people back so far, and is so frustrating. The more emo people are about the KOS stuff, the more ass-hats are drawn to dayZ. Later, when playing smart is the only way to go, and you need to maintain your gear and stuff, lots of those kids will go away.
FYI I don't KOS
Why do you feel the playstyle you want is more valid that the playstyle KOS players want?
Lets cut the bulls**t here, you didnt come here to express moral outrage over the state of the DayZ community. You came here to throw a tantrum and lick your wounded pride. Your mad as hell that someone had the audacity to kill you. But you know what? Its all a part of the Chernarus circle of life (like the Lion King, only with bullets). Its what you do with your anger thats important.
If the death of your character is too much for you to handle than im sorry, but this game isnt for you.
If you can see your death as a lesson learned, and use it to refine your abilities then perhaps you have what it takes to thrive in Chernarus.
Actually you said people are playing it wrong when they KOS. its written right up there in your OP