Yesterday, terrorized patrons of the Teufort Nuclear Ordnance Museum reported that a one-eyed man has made off with a few of the museum's exhibits. Chief among these items is a dangerously irradiated ukulele recovered from the site of a nuclear detonation, and a weapon designed to launch small nuclear explosives.

The curator of TNOM, one Dr. Vandall Smoot, attempted to stop the thief, but was incapacitated by the obscenely large wad of cash the perpetrator thrust into his hands.

The strange, be-eyepatched individual is still at large, but Teufort police have indicated that there is nothing to worry about.
"It's probably something to do with those happenings at the old gravel pit, I'll wager," a spokesman for the police said. "I wouldn't pay it no nevermind."