Recent reviews by Hart

Who even names their kid Max, when your last name is Payne? That is so super stupid.

Not even tryn'a give a ruckas about him bein all sad that his baby got shot in the face, or whatever. That doesn't matter, no one cares about that garbage. "OhHh my baby and wife are dead all over the bed and floor", Ohh boo whoo, get some new carpets and spray some Febreeze, problem solved. You know what can't be solved? That ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ name.

Who goes "Yah, let's go ahead and make our kids name a pun, that'll go over well." Then he goes to school and no one calls him "Max", they just call him a fat idiot, and kick sand into his mouth when he's trying to eat his hot pockets.

Then he has to go home and watch some Film Noir, while writing poems about how super-sick it would be if he could Wheel Kick all his bullies into space. Then one day he's like "You know what? I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna throw a top-level crescent kick to the back of Thomas' head and then steal his pants while everyone laughs.". Too bad Thomas carries around a knife and shanks me before I can even kick him, then he gives me a wedgie and then swirly's me for literally 4 hours. #LoveGettinWaterBoardedAt13

Anyway. Max Payne is a terrible name. Why not go with Rob, or Kyle, those names are fine. Don't make your childs name a pun, you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Good thing his baby died, he probably named it like "Chest" or "Window". In fact, that is probably why the game even happens. The 'Terrible Name Police' are after Max and his family of mongrel-named dunderheads.

Good riddance, I say. Good Riddance to the Payne family, and their Bastardization of Nomenclature.

Why does everybody insist on doing weird stuff to me while I try to play this game?

And why can it never be a grown man that does it? Why is it always some prepubescent cretin with a terrible mic who tells me to kneel in front of their crotch and move my mouse back and forth so it looks like i'm fellating them? Not only do I feel like a goofus for getting caught, but now I just feel like an actual real-life creep for virtually performing oral sex on a minor.

I just sit there thinking "This is my life. THIS, is what I am doing with my life right now." So then I become sad. Start thinking about life choices, and what I probably should be doing instead. Inevitably you stew in personal disappointment, because no one ever has positive moments of introspection or self-analysis. No one ever looks in the mirror and says "You know what, you're pretty good." Why not? Because from lies come the waterworks. With unparalleled immediacy. Standing there, crying all over the place. Watching intently like you're some sort of circus act, because such a display of pure human emotion is so alien to you, that the only way you know how to respond to it is with scorn and condemnation. If the capacity to hate others were the depth of the ocean, then the counterpart which is directed at yourself would make the Marianas Trench look like a newely formed puddle.

But, you know, meanwhile there is just this ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ kid who has no idea that he just caused a life-changing existential crisis to a stranger over the internet, of whom he decided to rob and sexually assault. So he'll just keep on keepin on, until a decade from now when life decides to take a dump on his chest while he's the one trying to relax, and play a game in a world where he gets to be somebody that matters.


DayZ made me feel again. 10/10.

Okay, I clicked something and now all the text is upside-down backwards English. I can't read any of this goofy ♥♥♥♥, and now everyone is talking in some nonsense gibberish. I tried to pick up items but I keep dying of radition posioning because I can't read any of the labels. This is like middle school all over again. Thanks for bringing back bad memories, Stalker.

Free? FREE? What is this communist garbage. I didn't fight the Vietcong in Tunisia back in 86, only to see all this "Free" junk poppin up. Last thing I got for free was some shrapnel in my ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ after charlie tossed a grenade in my hooch.

I didn't abandon my kids only for this game to remind me of the amount of money I've invested in their futures. I have half a mind to send a letter to the president, detailing such egregious transgressions. Let Ol' President Obama know about this little terrorism you've got going on. I'm no scientist, but you should expect drone strikes.

Signed,

A Concerned Patriot.

Man, doe be like comin out of the trees and ♥♥♥♥, and you be all like "Oh mayne, who hims that? You that" and your team all like "nah, it ain't me, but it do" and you like "Yah, it do" and then you both shoot him and ♥♥♥♥, people droppin all around, man with helichopter come in all shootin missiles and ♥♥♥♥, blowing up children and you like "Yah, but there is the cav" and everyone else dying, but you not. Nah, you not.