The issue is you are trying to marry a lord instead of a kingdom_lady. As a man (if the player character were male) the gender check from diplomacy (male player asking female lord for marriage) would pass; but as a woman asking a woman diplomacy gets confused. Perversely enough (if that is the correct idiom) before this latest more pure diplomacy merge I would have overruled diplomacy on this. At least with a kingdom_lord (that is, she has an army instead of just herself) you do not need to gain permission of her relative; on the minus side, she is not eligible to join your party as a companion after marriage, as she has her own duties.

You can set cheat level to at least one and when talking to her cheat your way to force a marriage. At least you don't have to worry about her relatives being offended. The dowry probably isn't needed. You get someone that can fight as a peer, but not in your army. You might be able to dump some of your excess troops to her castle etc, but not take them back. You cannot steal her gear. You cannot give her gear. These are not my being stubborn, but exactly Diplomacy/Native behaviors. I don't accept your statement that this is a drow issue. It is you thinking a female with an army is a kingdom_lady; no you are trying to marry a kingdom_lord. It gets different dialog and logic. AND you are bucking Diplomacy's very strict gender matching, but I weakened that because in this case I reckon Drow women consider themselves not equals but clearly superior to men. Which is absolutely per canon.

AAAhhh that's why...
I tried to change the cheat filters (randomly as I could not understand the difference between 0 an other levels), but nothing seemed to change, I will try with 1 and see what happens.
I am perfectly fine with her keeping her army and not be able to join my party, it was not in my RP plan anyways.
As per the dialogues, I see statements form Guildmasters or other random stuff appearing instead of what it should be. No biggie, I was not insulting you, I was just just saying that something weird was going on.
Thanks for the answer.

Some snippets need clearing the string as they have leftover trash.
As for cheat, lvl1 is traditional cheat plus simple debug and status messages
3 and 4 are diplomacy economics messages
5 is major spell trace
6 is martial arts and magic missile trace

most of the cheat menu text used to be filtered so that level 3 only gets the 3 layer but some time ago I set all those to be ge greater than or equal not eq equal so you get the messages from layers 1, 2, etc until reaching that level. 5 is kind of fun at a siege but you need to keep pressing L to ee the messages as the buffer fills too fast. 6 is kind of tedious as there may be messages for each missile and martial arts can have several triggers repeat depending on who is the target and if someone has weapons equipped. I think dodge is a lvl 6 message as well, so it gets busy.

People used to come at me for not making everything more "modern" for male on male and female on female marriages. I absolutely did not make the parochial marriage system, and greatly loosened it compared to standard Native, but it is still not fully supportive of female on female marriage. I know you can force female on female with a kingdom lady via cheat but not sure of a kingdom lord.

I would have gone also for a peasant, but that lord lady kept saying she was my ardent admirer so I fell for it:-))

I greatly enjoy having a (female) spouse who started as a kingdom lady even though it is a nuisance to do all the things needed to secure her relative's approval. I generally start by asking the bards at a tavern to tell me about the ladies and note who seems adventurous or romantic, as these make the best spouse as a companion picks. I then see if I happen to be able to rescue some near relative of one of those or when a lord thanks me for saving him/her in battle I can double-click the picture and see her family tree. If he/she has a daughter of interest then I work at boosting that relation. You must ask permission BEFORE talking to the kingdom lady, or your entire future is blown. This is all standard stuff but the key is finding the right personality to pursue.

Some non-standard things occur after marriage, again based on personality, when you talk to your spouse and offer her to join your company. The responses can be cute depending on the personality and otherwise some one time buffs occur on joining the party. Companions can receive gear so you can play doll if you wish by finding the right gear to equip in a nice role playing manner. I certainly prepare the household and gear for my spouse, certainly. I'm not too confused as to gender, I'm not THAT modern, but I enjoy a nice fiery virtual spouse. Of course.
Companion spouses can be upgraded to clerics or mages as well, just like all the other companions you collect.

Originally posted by stecph:

I would have gone also for a peasant, but that lord lady kept saying she was my ardent admirer so I fell for it:-))

That is a technical mistake. The lady LORD sees a female and gives a response that should have been filtered but gets confused as to their OWN gender by not better storing this BEFORE the dialog pair is evaluated. The OTHER person's gender is remembered but not their own...