The Pitch Hiker's Guide to playing Soldier

WELCOME TO THE PITCH HIKER'S GUIDE TO HOLDING DOWN SHIFT KEY AND SWEARING A LOT. PLAYING SOLDIER IN TEAM FORTRESS 2.

DO YOU WANT TO LEARN TO PLAY SOLDIER?

DO YOU HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN OF AT THE VERY LEAST, AN UNNAMED SWALLOW?

DO YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS VERY LIMITED ACCESS TO THE FRIEND-ZONE?

IF YES, THIS GUIDE MAY BE FOR YOU. YOU REMIND ME OF MYSELF WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, KIDDO.

you won

PROPS TO YOU FOR WINNING MY SECRET CONTEST OF PATRIOTISM, MY MAN.

YOU WIN NOTHING.

Step One: BARE-BONERED BASICS

Playing soldier is like riding a bicycle. A bicycle with only a front wheel and powered by a jet engine. Fueled by nothing but aerosol cans, and TEARS OF THE YOUNG BLOOD.


BUT MAYBE THE PROSPECT OF THIS INCREDIBLE TWO-WHEELED DEATH MACHINE IS TOO MUCH FOR MANY TO EVEN IMAGINE.

WE'LL START WITH SOMETHING SIMPLE.



THAT'S RIGHT, KIDDO. HATS. EVERYBODY'S GOT 'EM, EVERYBODY WANTS THEM.

THEY'RE LIKE PLAYING WITH POKEMON CARDS EXCEPT THEY'RE EASY TO USE AND SOMEBODY ALWAYS HAS TOO MANY ENERGY CARDS ♥♥♥♥♥♥ HATS.

I PERSONALLY LIKE TO ROLL WITH THE , BUT EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT ONLY A TRUE TO THE FLAG AMERICAN WILL ABUSE HALLOWEEN MODE FOR EVERYTHING IT OWNS.


ONCE YOU'VE GOT YOUR KILLING DIGS; HIT THE STREETS, SEE.

PLAYING SOLDIER IS LOT LIKE CONTROLLING A SCOUT, EXCEPT YOU'RE SLOWER, BIGGER, AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH PLAYING SCOUT. IF YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLES WITH THIS CONCEPT, PLEASE DEFER TO MY SCOUT GUIDE FOR INSTRUCTIONS. ALTERNATIVELY, SEE YOUR LOCAL PHYSICS PROFESSOR.

NOW, THE CONTROLS ARE THE SAME, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF EXHALING AIR THROUGH YOUR RECTUM IN ORDER TO PROPEL TO NEW HEIGHTS, WE ARE GOING TO USE EXPLOSIVES.

PRESS SPACE BAR, OR WHATEVER JUMP BUTTON YOU HAVE ON YOUR KOREAN MECHANICAL KEYBOARD

AIM YOUR CAMERA DOWN, HOLD CTRL / WHATEVER HAS +DUCK BOUND TO IT

UNLOAD ROCKET

SEE FIGURE 1 FOR AN EXAMPLE

Figure 1

A TRUE AMERICAN HERO.

PLEASE TAKE THIS LONG SPACE OF TIME TO TEST OUT YOUR NEW-FOUND TECHNIQUE AND PERFECT IT.






















are you done? no? ok. i can wait longer.












GOOD, ON WITH THE SHOW.

Step Two ~ Weapons

When it comes to weapons, there are a very few things to remember. First of all, we must take note of how the Primary, Secondary and Slapstick are set up.

PRESS 1 TO PRIMARY

PRESS 2 TO SECONDARY

PRESS 3 TO SLAPSTICK

Please take a moment to write these down on various body parts with sharpie so that you will have a hard time forgetting this very important information.

Everybody knows, that the flavour of rocket is COMPLETELY DISREGARDED. MOST ARE PERSONAL CHOICES BUT PERSONALLY I THINK THAT THE MORE IMPORTANT SLOT IS THE SECONDARY WEAPON.

LET'S TALK ABOUT THE ONLY SECONDARY YOU SHOULD USE REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING ELSE


AH YES, THE MANTREADS. GLORIOUS FOOTWEAR THAT WILL NOT ONLY MAKE YOU MARIO, BUT STYLISH AS HELL. WHEN YOU INEVITABLY FALL FROM TOO HIGH A ROCKET-JUMP, YOU CAN DIE IN SATISFACTION: KNOWING THAT THE FALL THAT SNAPPED YOUR TALUS ANKLEBONE WAS THE WRENCHING OF YOUR FOOT INSIDE OF THOSE SWEET, SWEET SUEDE SOLES.

NOW, UNDER ZERO CIRCUMSTANCE SHOULD YOU EVER STOOP TO USING A SHOTGUN IN YOUR SECONDARY SLOT. SHOTGUNS ARE NOTORIOUSLY BAD, AND KNOWN TO BE THE WORST WEAPON IN EVERY SINGLE GAME. I HAVE COMPILED A LIST OF PICTURES THAT WILL SHOWCASE WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER USE SHOTGUNS.

EXAMPLE ONE:


EXAMPLE TWO:


EXAMPLE THREE:


EXAMPLE FOUR - RETURN OF THE SECOND ONE:


EXAMPLE FIVE:


EXAMPLE SIX REVENGEANCE:

Step Three point one four one five nine two six five three five 8 nine dash Understanding Fundamentals of Science and Technology

The hardest part of making a guide, is always starting each new chapter. Some believe it is wise to start where the last one left off, but I believe that's total hark-♥♥♥♥ and they're lying to you. THEY'RE ALL LYING TO YOU. EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS IS A LIE. THE WORLD IS FLAT, THE GODS CONTROL OUR EVERY MOVE. WE ARE NOTHING BUT PAWNS FOR THE GOVERNMENT.

LETS LOOK AT THE TECHNICALS OF OUR NEXT MAJOR TECHNIQUE, ROCKET JUMPING AND ATTACKING.

TO START, YOU WILL WANT A LOADOUT THAT CLOSELY RESEMBLES MY CURRENT ONE. SEE BELOW FOR DETAILS.



THE MARKET GARDENER IS A WONDERFUL PIECE OF EQUIPMENT. IT ALLOWS YOU TO DO SICK JUMP-SLAPS WHEN HITTING IN MIDAIR. EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT TOOL IN THE SOLDIER'S ARSENAL. HOWEVER, IN ORDER TO TRULY GET THE MOST OUT OF YOUR MARKET EXPERIENCE, PLEASE SET THE FOLLOWING OPTIONS.


SET YOUR DPI TO THE MAXIMUM YOU CAN POSSIBLY SET IT TO. IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE, YOU CANNOT BECOME A MASTER KILLER MASTER SHOVELGUY.

YOU'VE LIKELY BEEN PRACTICING YOUR JUMPING THIS WHOLE TIME, SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK ON YOUR PROGRESS, SHALL WE?


THE MATH SAYS IT GOOD.

NOW REMEMBER, IF YOU WANT TO BE GOOD LIKE ME, YOU NEED PRACTICE. FIND A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO ARE FAR WORSE THAN YOU AND GET THEM TO MARKET WITH YOU.

TIME FOR ANOTHER PICTURE MONTAGE





I'M OUT OF CREATIVITY HERE.

STEP FOUR POINTER FOUR POINTER YO (or, how I learned to stop worrying and love the direct hit)

CONSIDER THIS: EVERYTHING IS A LIE

CONSIDER THIS TOO: I'M PROBABLY LYING

CONSIDER THIS ALSO: YOU CANNOT TRUST WHAT I JUST SAID, BUT DOES THAT MAKE THE DIRECT HIT ANY WORSE OR BETTER?

♥♥♥♥


Playing with the direct hit is a lot like punching gophers. If you miss, you look like a total JACKASS. If you hit, right on the sweet-spot, there's a huge amount of satisfaction as you punt it at least a few feet.


The key to success (with the direct hit), is accepting failure. The key to failure is to max your DPI and mouse acceleration. By that logic, you should be able to hit every three pointer you can. You must be PREPARED TO ACCEPT DEFEAT IN ORDER TO ATTAIN THE HUMILITY TO SURVIVE.

NAME YOUR GUNS AFTER FAILURE TO ACHIEVE GREATNESS. EVERY SINGLE ONE. DO IT. DO IT NOW.












I will set up a graph in order to show how many hits to misses that are required to truly reach the level of greatness required for every shot.



DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE TRUTH I AM DROPPING ON YOU?

AM I LYING?

PROBABLY

Step Five: A trip down memory lane

Finality

Hello everybody, I am grandmaster Pitch.

I make guide.

As a level 70 elder wizard, I am always very excited to try and release guides for the general public. If you liked what you saw here, please check out the Pitch Hiker's Guide group page. We have no snacks and things could use a good scrubbing. To my credit though, I try to update it whenever something important happens, like a new guide. Think about it like winning the lottery in order to only get enough money for a bag of skittles.

http://steamcommunity.com/groups/HIKENING

If you have any thoughts, you can post them below. Or you can just look at the pictures and giggle. That's cool too.



cheek cigarette. i good photoshopper aisle 3, aren't i?

[Dr. Pitch Flake Icaso]

my job here is done. i can finally enter my eternal rest

[zip]

amazing, i can play the class now finally ;)

[السيد يوم الدفع]

Best joke guide i've seen,good job

[Dr. Pitch Flake Icaso]

rock solid

[toasty]

you forgot to turn on uncaps lock

[Paddy the Daddy]

Did Mr. Torgue make this guide?

[{루루}RuRu]

Damnit pitch flake have you been doing patriots again?

[Stargale]

GOD BLESS AMERICA

[Dr. Pitch Flake Icaso]

you caught me !!!

[Dylab]

You have to use the big daddy or your not even America m8