So you want to be a comedian?

An exhaustive list of jokes for the "Stand Up Clown" game to aid in unlocking the "Totally lame!" and "Living legend!" achievements.

Introduction

The trick to getting both achievements easily is to keep your combo up. If you miss a joke and break the combo, you might as well quit the stand up and start over.

After each question, if you're not 100% sure you know the answer, consult this guide. The game will halt until you click to proceed, so Alt+Tab out to the guide or pop it up in the Steam overlay. You will get less and less time to answer as the game progresses, so there won't be time to think things through unless you're some kind of super genius. It's better to be prepared.

When you've followed up a setup with the right punchline the crowd will throw flowers at you. Most of the flowers will land in your immediate vicinity, so don't stray far away from the microphone.

Note: All jokes listed here are presented as in-game, so any and all comments on typos or grammatical errors should be directed at the developers. If these are fixed in the game I will try to correct them in this guide.

Protip: I couldn't think of a better way to organize these jokes than to alphabetize them, so use Ctrl+F to search for the one you're looking for.

Jokes, part 1

Q: A mom asks her son: "Why did you eat the change?"
A: "You were the one that said they were for lunch."

Q: A porcupine meets a cactus in the street and asks:
A: "Mom, is that you?"

Q: He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said:
A: "You're the boss."

Q: How do you call a boomerang that you throw and doesn't come back?
A: It's called a stick.

Q: How do you make a chocolate omlet?
A: With easter eggs.

Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe

Q: In the morning, a mom asks her son: "Why do you have your socks inside out?"
A: "Because they have a hole on the other side!"

Q: My friend told me I have anger management problems...
A: So I hit him over the head with a chair.

Q: One cow said "Mooo...", and the other replied:
A: "Exactly what I mean."

Q: The doctor said: "Your recovery was a miracle!" And the pacient replied:
A: "Praise God, now I don't have to pay you."

Q: The patient says: "Doctor, I really need to wear glasses..."
A: "Oh yes you do... Because this is a bank."

Q: The son arrives home and says:"Mom, mom! They called me a liar at school!"
A: "Shut up, you don't even go to school."

Q: The son says to his father: "For 10, I’ll be good."
A: "When I was your age, I was good for nothing."

Q: There once lives a woman that was so fat, so fat...
A: That the only photo she had was taken by sattelite.

Q: There was a drought in the summer so dry, so dry...
A: That even cows gave powdered milk.

Q: There was once a player so crippled, so crippled...
A: That even when he scored a goal, he failed on the replay.

Q: Two cows are walking in the street and one of the peanuts says:
A: "You know... I think we're in the wrong joke..."

Q: Two dinossaurs are eating traffic lights when one says to the other:
A: "Don't eat that one, it's still green!"

Q: Two grains of sand are walking in the desert and one says to the other:"
A: "Don't look now, but I think we're being followed..."

Q: Two peanuts are walking in the street. One told a joke...
A: and the other peeled itself laughing.

Q: Two toothpicks are walking when they meet a porcupine. One says to the other:
A: "We could have taken the bus.

Q: What did one plate say to the other plate?
A: "Lunch is on me!"

Q: What did the candle say when he was down on his luck?
A: "I’m at wick’s end."

Q: What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
A: "You're too young to smoke."

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q: What did the green grape tell the purple grape?
A: "Breathe!"

Q: What did the match say to the matchbox?
A: "Everytime you go by I lose my head."

Q: What did the teddy bear say after dinner?
A: "I'm stuffed."

Q: What did the the tie say to the hat?
A: "You go on a head, I'll just hang around."

Q: What do canibals call athlets?
A: Fast food.

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.

Q: What do snowmen have for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.

Q: What do you call a lion who wears an ascot?
A: A dandelion.

Q: What do you call a Penguin in the desert?
A: Lost.

Q: What do you call cheese that's not your cheese?
A: Nacho cheese.

Q: What do you call it when someone puts a clock on his belt?
A: A waist of time!

Q: What do you give to a sick elefant?
A: Lots of space.

Q: What do you have between your nose and your chin?
A: Tulips.

Q: What does a magnet say to the other?
A: A side of you is very attractive.

Q: What does a painting say to another?
A: "I think they left us hanged..."

Q: What does a snowman say to another?
A: "I smell carrots too...

Q: What does an elevator say to the other?
A: "My life is full of ups and downs."

Q: What does an envelope say when you lick it?
A: Nothing. It just shuts up.

Q: What does Dumbo do after taking a photocopy?
A: He compares it with the original document for spelling mistakes.

Jokes, part 2

Q: What happened at a fight in the candy store?
A: Two suckers got licked!

Q: What happened to the boy who drank 8 cokes?
A: He burped 7 Up.

Q: What happens when the Queen burps?
A: She issues a royal pardon.

Q: What has wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.

Q: What is a little green dot in the corner of the room?
A: A pea in detention.

Q: What is a louse doing in a bald head?
A: Figure skating

Q: What is a prehistoric monster called when it sleeps?
A: A dinosnore.

Q: What is a scarecrows favorite food?
A: Strawberries.

Q: What is a shinny spot on the grass?
A: It's an ant with bracers.

Q: What kind of animal cleans the sea?
A: A mermaid.

Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.

Q: What time is it when an elefant sits on a bench?
A: It's time to buy a new bench.

Q: What tools do you need in math class?
A: Multi-Pliers.

Q: What's the first thing an homeless does in a computer?
A: A search in the recycle bin.

Q: What's the kindest vegetable?
A: A sweet potato.

Q: What’s an eight-letter word with all the letters in it?
A: Alphabet.

Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station.

Q: Where do geologists go for entertainment?
A: To rock concerts.

Q: Where do microbes surf?
A: In the microwave.

Q: Which is the oldest animal in the world?
A: The zebra, because it's still in black and white.

Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: Why are mountain climbers curious?
A: They always want to take another peak.

Q: Why are you cutting the cake with a chisel?
A: Because it’s marble cake.

Q: Why aren't elephant's allowed on the beach?
A: They always have their trunks down!

Q: Why can't an elephant ride a bicycle?
A: Because he doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.

Q: Why did the lady miss her husband?
A: Because she never shot a gun before.

Q: Why did the man take off his door bell?
A: He wanted to win the Nobel prize.

Q: Why did the moron go to the dressing room?
A: To change his mind.

Q: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
A: To get to the bottom.

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?
A: Because it saw the salad dressing!

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no body to go with!

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they use honeycombs.

Q: Why do Gorillas have big fingers?
A: Because they have big nostrils.

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: Because they don't know the words!

Q: Why do thieves shower before they commit crime?
A: Because they like a clean getaway.

Q: Why does the centipede takes an hour to enter its house?
A: Because the mat says "Clean your feet".

Q: Why does the ox moo when a cow goes by?
A: Because it can't whistle.

Q: Why doesn't math get married?
A: Because it has a lot of problems to solve.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

Q: Why is six afrain of seven?
A: Because seven eight nine.

Q: Why is the restaurant bankrupt?
A: Because it closed for lunch.

Q: Why isn't your nose twelve inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: Why won`t cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny!

Changelog

2014-08-11

• Guide was published.

[Ditzy Dooooo]

Today I learned I have a terrible sense of humor...

[EasyBot]

the great thing about this guide is that I can use this to make boomers piss themselves laughing

[DarkSeti]

Thank you for this guide!

[sofiamanuela1]

Thank you for the guide. It's an amazing job! A great help for all players that have this game!

[Amber]

thank you very much for this guide, saved so mcuh time :D

[karma]

I'm so thankful for this guide

[flesk]

My pleasure. :)

[Saraphel]

Excellent guide! Thank you!