Hello dear citizens of this earth, I come here to inform you that this game brings aids to anyone that touches it. I have experienced this problem myself. Here is my hypothesis on why this feature is in the game. Lets go back to the founders of this game at EA. They all have something in common, the rarest form of cancer called "Neuroendocrine cancer". Here is a short defenition:

Neuroendocrine tumors are cancers that begin in specialized cells called neuroendocrine cells. Neuroendocrine cells have traits similar to those of nerve cells and hormone-producing cells. Neuroendocrine tumors are rare and can occur anywhere in the body. Most neuroendocrine tumors occur in the lungs, appendix, small intestine, rectum and pancreas. There are many types of neuroendocrine tumors. Some grow slowly and some grow very quickly. Some neuroendocrine tumors produce excess hormones (functional neuroendocrine tumors). Others don't release hormones or don't release enough to cause symptoms (nonfunctional neuroendocrine tumors). Diagnosis and treatment of neuroendocrine tumors depend on the type of tumor, its location, whether it produces excess hormones, how aggressive it is and whether it has spread to other parts of the body. In other words, you will lose one finger at a time until you dont have anymore. Then, it will attack your eyebrows which will become purple over time.

Anyways, the game in general is poorly managed. For example, the servers have an average ping of 1 million. This can cause discomfort in the abdominal region of the north hemisphere of the brain. In the long run, you will lose sight in the left eye and will no longer be able to defecate properly. It will feel like you have diarrhea but you actually have a case of crippling constipation. If this side effect goes extreme, you will become part of a gang originating in the USA called the Crips. You will be involved in alot of gun violence which will put your life in danger (this version of the side effect is very unlikely, but it is still a possibility).

Now, lets talk about what happened to me after spending a couple of hours in this game. First of all, i have a lump on my belly button that causes me alot pain in my jaw. I contacted my local doctor and he told me that this might be caused by a lack of dopamine in my system. He gave me a prescription of tier 5 meth to boost my sigma male Billionnaire grindset. This problem is the least of my worries. Second of all, my whole family has died due to Bovid-20 (this is a virus originating from 200 000 B.-C. It has since then been contained by the glaciers back in Antartica. Since the creation of the world famous game called Apex Legends, pigeons, eagles, crows, etc... have been having digestive issues causing farmers all around the world to start collecting crops that have been defecated on by multiple species of birds these crops are then fed to cows. These cows too now have digestive issues. The release of the gas knowed as methane (cow farts) increases the greenhouse effect on the planet causing climate change. The earth begins to heat up which causes the glaciers in Antartica to melt at a fast pace. deseases like Bovid-20 then wake up again and infest the planet). I have tried suing EA multiple times for this but have never managed to hold them accountable for their actions. Last of all, I have developped a syndrome known as Autonomous Ultra Instinct (this is a self diagnosis). If you dont know what this syndrom is, it is fundamentally an ability from the well known TV show Dragon Ball Super. I didn't know that this was possible in real life but it is. I found out when my mom wanted to punish me because I skipped a whole semestre of school to play this game. She took out the belt as usual, but once she tried hitting me, I was able to dodge every hit without even trying. This might also be because of the crystal meth my doctor has prescribed me (I forgot to say he doesn't have a license and he is a wanted drug lord in Mexico).

I will speak for my friend that has passed away from dehydration due to over exposure to blue lights caused by his computer screen (he didn't sleep for 3 whole weeks). Before he past away, he explained to me that the devs had told him the secret to why and how this game has become so popular despite being so bland and unsanitary. I am not allowed to disclose all of the information that he gave me but here is some. EA has contacts from the Jewish Mafia founded by Arnold Rothstein in the late 19th century in New York. This mafia has helped him advertise this game through multiple out of the norms methods. Let me explain some. First, they implanted in new born babies a secret formula to make people discover the game. They have been warned multiple times by the government to stop but the mafia was simply too powerful. Second of all, they used sabotage to slow down their rivals. Nuclear bombs have been sent to EA's main base in North Korea but great leader Kim Jong-Un managed to counter this attack with rocket-propelled birds. Finally, Elon Musk has been corrupted to implant micro-chips in vaccines that make our brains enter different timelines to mine Bitcoin. This Bitcoin is then given to EA to continue paying the Jewish Mafia for further corruption in modern society.

To conclude this honest review, I must apologize to anyone that has endured any side effects mentioned earlier in my written speech. You can go to deez.com to donate to my cause which will continue its research. if the website is down, there are 3 possibilities. First, I have been arrested for spreading private information about EA. Second, EA has sent the Jewish Mafia after me and I have been kidnapped and probably tortured to death. And finally, I have spit too many facts in a second so the whole worlds internet has shutdown due to a system overload.

Simba signing out..