Recent reviews by Lowtax

This is a game about using your hands. Notice that I did not specify "using your hands well." Your body, particularly your arms, is a conglomeration of twisted, broken joints and obscenely stretching flesh. With your mouth constantly agape, you must solve seemingly simple puzzles to escape a farmhouse that claims to be haunted, assuming the word "haunted" is defined as "full of angry chickens."

It requires a tremendous amount of tedious practice to successfully convince your rogue hand to pick up even the most basic object. Using that object to then interact with another object is undoubtedly represented in one of Dante's rings of hell. You're lucky if the physics engine doesn't decide to fling your held item into the cosmos, which commonly occurs due to the game being programmed by the guy from the movie Saw, who wants you to suffer for your sins.

In many games, picking up a key and using it to open a door is an amazingly simple affair. In this game, it's brain surgery in the back of a Jeep as it attempts to traverse the Rocky Mountains. You can create or join lobbies with friends, but they will not continue to be your friend afterwards. "Hand Simulator: Horror" describes the game perfectly, although optional titles could include "Hand Simulator: Frustration" or "Hand Simulator: Oh God Please Make It Stop I Hate It This Is Literally Making My Brain Kill Itself."

PREFACE: I gave the review a thumbs up, because the thumb is about to go up satan's butt hole.

This is a game about sex, and also the devil, and also sex with the devil. But you get to have sex with a lot of other things too, from a horse's anus to various creatures who were apparently assembled by the Moist Vagina Engine. Then Satan lectures you about morality and ethics in gaming journalism and blah blah blah before you can choose to ask him to poop in your mouth (he does). Then the "gaming" part of the game consists of you wandering through dumb mazes where the walls are composed of eyeballs and flank steak. There are various traps to "kill" you, but they can all be avoided if you possess the reflexes of a dead man.

I do not know the purpose of this game, except to cater to the "anal fisting horse women in hell" demographic, which I was led to believe only existed on tumblr. If you want to discuss morality with the prince of darkness before he tears off your arm and inserts it into your butt hole, than this is the game for you. Everybody else: ummmmmmmmmm..... you may want to stick with games that don't have "sex" and "with the Devil" in the title.

More of virtually the same. Don't be fooled by the weapons crates; they don't drop and are essentially the same as rescuing a member, but without the chance you'll obtain a new accessory. If you liked the base game, you'll probably enjoy this expansion. EDF EDF EDF by the way the centipedes are creeeeeeeeeeeeeepy!

EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!! EDF!!!

You get to shoot people. With guns. Sometimes you can make them explode. And you can stab them with stuff. Then the people die. Also the robots and creatures and aliens. You're essentially committing genocide and you should feel bad for these things you do. I cry for hours after each game.

Although it starts out well, it slowly becomes extremely tedious and repetitious. There are so many game tweaks and fixes they could've implemented, but did not. It makes me sad because this had potential and also I spent 100000000 hours playing it and now I want to die a lot

Amazing game, I rate it a P. For pee.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=854S0j3I_aA

I read your comprehensive instructions regarding how to write reviews for your video game, and I hope I am not breaking any violations, or your heart, with the subsequent review.

Your game is amazing, and has unlimited potential for financial success, if you tweak the following:

1) Maybe add textures.
2) The outhouse crashed the game. Maybe make the outhouse NOT crash the game. Otherwise I will just look at the lumpy church instead.
3) The Hitler zombie mannequin gymnasts who were summoned by the mythical cowbell seemed to lack sufficient animation, textures, AI, sound effects, models, movement, and essentially every possible thing one could associate with anything in a video game ever. But besides that, we loved the zombies.
4) How dare you, sir. How dare you.

it's a flying space baby

If you're looking for nothing, then this game won't disappoint you! I expected my PC to immediately detonate upon loading the game, instantly slaughtering myself and my children, but much to my pleasant surprise it did not! This is the perfect game for:

* People with low or zero expectations
* People who have suffered accidents involving their brain
* People in medically-induced comas
* People who get paid when somebody makes a mistake by purchasing this game
* People that have never seen or experienced a video game before, such as folks who have been trapped in a cave for decades and you free them and say "hey take a look at this, it's called a 'video game'" and they agree to, but only if you then provide them with food and water
* People you don't like
* People you REALLY don't like
* Turtles (they won't care or pay attention to it)
* Large turtles
* Any size turtles
* People who want to win a $50 bet if they can find the worst MMO RPG in existence
* People who are looking for an example of why Steam needs some sort of quality control tools
* Did I mention turtles