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I swear to God, I feel like the biggest idiot on Europa. You know what it was? THE BALLAST TANK.
I think I did something to the ballast tanks while I was eradicating some ballast flora. Either way, the pumps were stuck in the "OUT" position, smashing the submarine against the docking ring, making it impossible to move.
The key was when Cabbage suggested switching Submarines. Lo! and behold! The problem went away--because the other sub had functioning ballast tanks.
The issue has been solved, and I rescind my bug report--and have consigned myself to the brig until further notice. T_T