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Assuming you're on Windows: Verify the integrity of your game files via steam Library and right clicking the game and going into properties. Should reinforce a clean install of the game. Then install the script extender.
https://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=2031669903
This will enable achievements with or without mods/gift bags. Also it'll massively improve loading times. Although it sounds like you may have subscribed to something in the Steam mod workshop and not have realized it. Either way, the script extender will fix it.
Ok super long shot, are you choosing the Definitive Edition when you start up the game? Because the script extender won't work in classic. It's safe to assume you're playing the definitive version, i'm just checking the bases.
I'm going to do a fresh install, wipe my save data (hurts) and install the plugin again. We'll see if it works. If it doesn't, then I don't know.
Basically, what I did was say 'balls to it' and went to play Postal 2. Game told me I didn't have the DLC when I clearly did. so I wondered if my Steam might be janking up. I turned it off and back on, oldest trick in the book, and I had the DLC again.
So I wondered, maybe now that I've untangled whatever was holding steam up, I could get achievements.
And I could. Whole time I had been deleting files (such as my save data), and reapplying script extenders and stuff, all I had to do was turn steam off and back on again. Played the intro, got the achievements.
Yeah, kinda bummed out that I lost about 18 hours, but whatever. May as well mod the game out. Thanks to all of you whom lent a helping hand, appreciate it.