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You could follow the instructions for port forwarding for Elite[support.elitedangerous.com] to see if it helps.
First off you have to go to friends and group mangement, and either create your own group or search for a group to join.
Once you have done that you need to send a request to join the group. When the request has been accepted, you should be able to see it.
I also have all the ports forwarded properly. Been playing the game since early access stages. Been in this group for most of that. Just sometimes it doesn't want to work.
I did eventually get into it this time, I restarted the game a couple times in the process, but after 20-30 minutes fussing with it, i got in.
Would be nice to have something kind of consistent that works every time though. That's 20-30 more minutes I could have spent playing with my friends.
Sorry, you didn't say this in your original post and its a common mistake. It wasn't are you dumb question, it was meant to be helpful, because some people don't realize they need to do this.
Please go to the game install directory:
ED Store Version: C:\Program Files (x86)\Frontier\Products\FORC-FDEV-D-1XXX
Steam Version: C:\Program Files (x86)\Steam\steamapps\common\Elite Dangerous\Products\FORC-FDEV-D-1010
Open a file called AppConfig.xml in a text editor such as Notepad. You'll see a section near the bottom named "Network". Please insert the following lines somewhere inside that section:
ReportSentLetters="1"
ReportReceivedLetters="1"
VerboseLogging="1"
If you could, please save your AppConfig file with these lines and then load the game again. After you experience the issue, please close the game. The NetLog should be located in this location:
ED Store Version: C:\Program Files (x86)\Frontier\Products\FORC-FDEV-D-1010\Logs\netLogs..
Steam Version: C:\Program Files (x86)\Steam\steamapps\common\Elite Dangerous\Products\FORC-FDEV-D-1010\Logs\netLogs..
Please note that the exact path will vary a little depending on where you installed the launcher and which game version you have.
If you see the following line near the top, UPnP failed to work correcly, the reason for that would be stated on the line before that.
{12:23:50} failed to initialise upnp
In this case, it would be necessary to set up port forwarding for the affected computer. Here is a short guide on how to do that:
First we need to setup port forwarding on your router. As this is a different process for every router please visit PortForward.com and search for you specific model of router. This should guide you through setting up port forwarding and then allow the game to connect to our servers.
You can select any free UDP port to use with the game. Generally we suggest port UDP/5100.
After this has been done, we need to set the port for the game in the configuration files. Open the game folder, which will be something similar: C:\Program Files (x86)\Frontier\Products\FORC-FDEV-D-1010 (the folder and name will vary depending on the version of the game you bought).
Inside the game folder, you should find the file AppConfig.xml. Right click it, select edit and then browse down until you find the network chunk, it should look like this:
Port="0"
upnpenabled="1"
LogFile="netLog"
DatestampLog="1"
ReportSentLetters="1"
ReportReceivedLetters="1"
VerboseLogging="1"
Disable UPnP by setting upnpenabled = "0", then edit the number for the port so that it matches the port you set in your router (Port="5100") and save the file, open the launcher and try to connect to the game.
Hope this helps.
To avoid this, don't use that menu once you've created a group. Since you have access to the comms in the main menu. You can invite a friend without using that menu. Host it, and load in.
Its 2am so I'm probably not explaining that as good as I should be, but if you do a search on frontiers forum theres a nice post about it.