So, I'm over a thousand hours in and I'm stepping away from PUBG for a hiatus. I'm not sure I'll ever be back.

While playing this game I've experienced wonder and elation from the emergent moments. Getting kills or winning games in this pioneer of the Battle Royale genre are unlike anything else in gaming. You can ride the high of a single win for days. I have routinely played with a squad where winning two or three games in a row isn't uncommon. You feel like a god among mortals.

But for every one of those highs there were between 10 and 50 moments of frustration, incredulity, and rage.

This game constantly violates a personally held intense desire for fairness. And yes, it's on me to regulate my emotional response to a video game. But this game's RNG (circle position and loot distribution) can so directly dictate your percentage-chance of winning a game, it has the same psychological and physiological effects as a losing streak when gambling.

You sit down at the table and place your bet. You've already lost a dozen hands in a row, so your brain tricks you into thinking you're "due" for a win. You're dealt two 10s. You split. You're dealt a 9 and a king. Your sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive. You're certain now to win, so your dopamine receptors are primed for a hit. Adrenaline is being fed into your body. Then the dealer flips over their blackjack.

You've been playing PUBG all evening, but you've mostly been playing walking simulator or getting killed early without a gun in your hands. You queue for game, and you drop into North Georgopol with your buddies. No one else is there. You walk out of your first building with your ideal kit, 2/2/2, two first aids and some boosts. And then you see the circle has centered on Novo.

When you don't win, there's a negative fallout because you don't get the dopamine hit you were expecting, so you feel bad physically - you get that sinking feeling in your stomach, your blood pressure drops precipitously from the high it was at just a moment ago.

The problem is when I feel the loss was unfair, whether because of RNG or ♥♥♥♥♥♥ netcode/desync, there's a compounding effect. I start to feel the game is working actively against me and in favor of other players. I know this is illogical and is actually not the case. However, when I walk out of the two high tier loot buildings outside of Power Grid on Miramar with a shotgun, a Win94, and no armor and then the redzone centers on me, it's hard not to feel like RN-Jesus doesn't have a vendetta. Or when the bullet that downs me registers when on my screen I'm in a bathroom with no windows and no line of sight to the enemy.

Feel free to tell me to git gud. I know I'm not great at this game. I'm in my thirties, and the last shooter I played seriously was CoD4:MW ten years ago. I'm not carrying anyone to victory, despite occasional flashes of brilliance.

Regardless, the game's persistent issues, and Bluehole's unwillingness or inability to fix them have left me unable to continue playing it. And what's sad is there will likely never be another game like it, since every BR game released since has lacked the military realism and emphasis on strategy and smart positioning that make PUBG so compelling to me.

Ultimately, perhaps if you're better at controlling your emotions than I am, you will continue to relish the victories when the circle falls in your favor, and you get the drop on that last squad or duo. For now, it's just time for me to take a break.