Checkpoint
20.2.23
Hah. Thought I would never write stuff here again.
Now that this place is once again a public-private notebad of what's going, I'll start telling about things here again. Therapy 101 open up to someone about things but eh I don't have anyone I would trust like that hah.
Ngl it has been really hard to start anything new in the sense of relationships. It just feels somehow off I guess? Making friends is easy but taking it a step up is..uhh..well let's just say it doesn't feel natural?
It's not that I wouldn't want anyone special into my life. It's more of the process of letting them into it that feels..forced? Im not sure. It just doesn't click the way it used to. Oh well. I was born into this world alone and if i have to stay alone then so be it.
Back on the grind hah.
But yea what has happened in my life? Well. Army has ended. Im back to work though Im thinking of studying psychology.
So much I've learned in this short life is that the human mind is way more complex than we let it seem. There are wonderous people with all sorts of different things that make them unique and I wish to understand that better. One person once helped me understand their actions and the thoughts behind them since they had a thing where their emotions could change very rapidly but also in a manner where the change was very strong. At the time that was totally new to me and I think that kinda opened a new chapter in my life. Though I've met a lot of different kind of people after them nothing ever came close to how different their flow of thought was. Well there was one person who was just borderline insane but that bullet was dodged in time.

Wow this got long. Well that's all for now. See you again some time dear journal haha

Checkpoint
18.5.23
I need to make a checkpoint just in case I ever need to come back to the feeling of being clear minded.
So..note to self. Think about it first. Does it matter after 2 weeks? If it doesn't it doesn't matter at all. Let it go. Let go of the bad feeling. Just go forward.
I have a entrance exam coming up at the end of this month. It really opens up my eyes. I'm not a child anymore. I have a job, a profession to back it up, experiences of love, experiences of happiness, experiences of pain and experiences of emptiness. And now..I'm going to get experiences of adulthood. University of applied sciences. That's something I didn't even think about trying to get in to and god I hope I get in.
Moving to the other side of Finland just to study. Leaving everything behind. I'm effectively opening myself to the unknown once again.
Funny to think that I've had the idea of leaving everything behind long before but if this goes through and I actually get in..I would actually BE leaving everything behind. All the memories of this city, of my current job, my family, my relationships just...everything. A clean plate.
I have learned a lot of the humanity around me and of my own mortality in ways of physical and mental. I have learned to live a better life. A simpler more straight forward life.
I have gotten people around me I know are there no matter what happens and I know that they will always be here. Waiting. True friends are never gone.
I have gotten new hobbies. Going to the gym, hanging with friends, making memories. Many new things.
I'm happy. I'm happy but empty. though then again I did do this to myself on purpose. This allows me to live with logic rather than emotion. Not that I wouldn't experience emotion but the way it effects me myself has changed. It's more controlled. Hard to explain but can't say it better.
Im happy. Empty but happy.

Checkpoint
5.7.23
Damn. Didn't get in. Or well I might but it's really unlikely I will. Welp it's alright always is next year. Now it's just back on the grind. A fine opportunity to make good money when most people are off for 1 month just sitting back at home enjoying their time off for summer I'll be making dosh. Also I have more time with friends now that I'm not gonna go study to the other side of this country lol.


-Why are you here. Genuinely interested.