Once upon a time, there lived a Scout and a Spy. They spent their days frolicking in merriment through the winter wonderland of Coldfront, playing games and ingesting unbelievably copious amounts of drugs.

One day, they were sitting at a table, having previously enjoyed a variety of Bonk™ brand beverages. The two gazed at one another with much joy in their hearts, possibly partaking in a friendly staring contest. Eventually, Spy broke the silence with a hearty snort.

Scout reached over to hand Spy his knife, but his hand slipped, causing the knife to fall through a nearby grate. The two could hear the sounds of a Heavy in pain beneath them, presumably having just been injured by said knife. Scout looked up to check Spy’s reaction upon having lost his favorite knife, but Spy did not seem to be dismayed whatsoever; in fact, he seemed quite content, thinking that he felt très bon.

Scout knew that Spy would not cry in front of Scout, so as to not sadden his friend; he needed to remain strong in such times of hardship. So Scout, being the loving friend he was, decided that if Spy would not cry, then he would cry for him. Announcing his intention to cry, he checked to see what Spy’s reaction was; however, Spy remained in bliss. Scout sniffled slightly and reminded Spy that he was crying, but still no response. Finally, he let out a woeful bawl, only to be interrupted by Spy calling his name. Hearing his friend speak was enough to instantly raise Scout’s spirits, but if that wasn’t enough, Spy had a surprise: a brand new Spy-cicle, which he offered to Scout.

Scout gladly took it, and decided to use it to challenge his reflexes. He took a swig of Bonk™ to heighten the powers of his nervous system, and then held the knife with one hand while placing his other on the table. With an encouraging snort from Spy, Scout began to wildly jab the Spy-cicle into the table, accurately avoiding his fingers with each strike. Soon enough, though, Scout underwent a lapse of focus: he stabbed his fingers not once, but multiple times.

He and Spy, however, remained unperturbed; Scout chuckled to himself, while Spy mused on the normality of the event. Suddenly, Scout’s body underwent an adverse reaction to the stabbing. The definition of his skin and bones became weaker, and he lost the ability to walk, simply floating through the air. Spy watched in concern as Scout floated away, only for him to return shortly after; upon his return, however, he had become further disfigured, as his face had shrunk to miniscule proportions.

Spy could only gasp in alarm at the dilemma his friend was undergoing. Scout’s head then returned to its normal size, and for a moment, all seemed well. Shortly after, though, his body underwent a series of contortions before finally succumbing to the effects of the Spy-cicle and turning to pure ice. Spy could only chomp on his cigarette, bewildered by the events he just witnessed.

A Heavy then slid his way towards the Scout, a knife jammed in his skull. But it was not just any knife; it was the same knife that Scout had dropped earlier. Spy looked down into the grate below and realized that the Heavy must have been traipsing around in the catacombs of Coldfront, doing god-knows-what until the knife plunged itself into his cranium.

Nevertheless, Heavy looked down at Scout and attempted to discern the situation. He stumbled over his words, incapable of forming a complete sentence, most likely due to the brain trauma caused by the knife. After a few seconds, the knife slid out of Heavy’s skull, allowing Heavy to finally regain his cognitive faculties. With his intelligence restored, Heavy deduced that Scout was, in fact, dead.

Spy did not seem at all worried about the death of his dear friend; if anything, his wide grin and eagle-like posture made him seem absolutely elated. As Spy and Heavy stared at Scout’s frozen corpse, Heavy suddenly came up with an idea. He lifted the frigid Scout off of the ground and scurried away with him. Finally concerned about Scout’s state of affairs, Spy jauntily chased after the wily Heavy.

As it turned out, Heavy’s idea was to melt the ice off of Scout by throwing him into a nearby fireplace. Upon tossing Scout into the flames, Heavy partook in a celebratory dance, convinced that his work was done. As Spy approached him, though, he pointed out that not all was well: instead of melting the ice off of his body, the flames had instead reduced Scout to a charred corpse. The two gazed at the burning carcass, considering what their next plan of action would be…

Part 2

As Spy and Heavy stared at the burnt Scout, debating what should be done, Heavy suddenly envisioned him as a group of edible products. He had not had a Sandvich all day, and he was quite puckish. He turned to Spy and asked for his approval to satiate his hunger by madly jabbering, hoping that his intent would come across in his inflection. While Spy did not understand what Heavy meant, he was impressed by the speed of Heavy’s speech, so he gave him a round of applause. Unfortunately, Heavy interpreted this as permission to consume Scout. As Heavy relished the prospect of having a delicious meal, Spy suddenly realized his error. Before Heavy could do the deed, Spy tackled Heavy to the ground, forcing him to drop Scout.

Suddenly, Scout let out a scream; he was not dead just yet! Spy and Heavy cowered in fear as Scout cried in agony, transforming into a zombie-like creature. His limbs contorted and his spine bent, and before he knew it, his body was moving against his will, galloping away.

Spy and Heavy looked at one another, the two only now realizing that Heavy was holding Spy in his arms. Spy appreciated the gesture, but Heavy would not have it, so he threw Spy to the ground. Heavy was so upset that he stooped so low as to call Spy stupid. Spy, hurt by Heavy’s words, began to cry. Heavy commanded him to stop crying, but Spy knew the truth. He knew that deep down, in his heart of hearts, Heavy was crying too, emotionally devastated by Scout’s current condition. Spy promised that he would stop crying, but only after Heavy confronted his own sorrow. Heavy ignored Spy’s emotional plea, instead focusing on the matter at hand: rescuing Scout. He commanded Spy to move, a plan of action Spy agreed with. However, Spy would not get up; he deeply enjoyed Heavy’s embrace, and wanted to be held by him once more. He was also very tired, having done his extent of physical exercise for the hour. Heavy was getting impatient, demanding Spy to move, but Spy retorted with a snort. Giving in, Heavy held Spy on his shoulders and ran after Scout, singing a jaunty tune. Heavy requested Spy to sing along, but Spy refused.

The two soon made their way to Nucleus, where they figured Scout would be. Spy directed Heavy as he made his way through the tunnels. The two then came to a three-way split in the road, confounding Heavy. As Heavy looked back and forth wondering which way to turn, Spy gave him a slap in the head, commanding him to go right. As they moved forward, Heavy suddenly felt Scout’s presence. Spy, too focused on how happy he was to be held by Heavy, could only think of how très bon he felt. Finally having had enough of Spy, Heavy shrugged him off his shoulders; however, he considered that Spy may have been on to something, and that he was not as stupid as his words would suggest. Angry at Heavy, Spy kicked him in the knee, causing him to fall to the ground. Heavy stood up and, noticing something nearby, told Spy to look in the same direction. Spy paused his merry YMCA dance to take a glance, only to recoil in shock and horror.

Before them stood a BLU Soldier, holding Scout hostage. Death metal echoed around him as he let out a vicious scream, which caused Heavy’s face to twist into itself as he lost all hope…