Recent reviews by [DARK] Sand Kraken

Palworld: Where Eagle Screams Meet Grinding Gears and Freedom Means Exploiting Furry Comrades (But It's Still Kinda Fun)

Hold your horses, Pokémaniacs! Forget catching 'em all in some flowery meadow, Palworld's where freedom-lovin' Americans wrangle critters for a good ol' fashioned capitalist hootenanny. This ain't no kiddie tea party, folks – here, we capture critters with tranquilizer rifles and motivate 'em with a gentle tap from the trusty ol' axe. Friendship? Bah! These pals are our partners in progress, sweat equity on four (or sometimes eight) furry legs!

Need to tap that coal vein? Strap a grumpy badger to a pickaxe and let him dig like a patriot! Crops lookin' sad? Recruit those bird-brained ostriches, slap a cowboy hat on 'em, and watch 'em peck that irradiated corn like their feathers depend on it! Just watch out for the mutant armadillos with miniguns – those critters pack a punch bigger than Texas.

Forget quaint villages, Palworld's a post-apocalyptic playground where cacti whisper fashion tips and robo-sheriffs crack down on litter (those varmints!). You? You're a rough-and-tumble eco-renegade turned tycoon, buildin' your empire on the backs of these critter comrades. Trees blockin' your view? Chop 'em down while your lumberjack squirrel begs for mercy – ain't nothin' standin' in the way of American progress! Stress got you down? Strap your rocket-powered raccoon to a firework and watch him blast off, yellin' "Yeehaw!" all the way. The possibilities for red-blooded exploitation are endless!

But hey, life ain't all work and no play. You can still scratch yer chin behind your gator pal's head (before he gets back to buildin' yer mansion), or knit him a tiny American flag sweater. And nothin' beats huntin' down giant mutant scorpions with a posse of shotgun-wieldin' prairie dogs.

So, is Palworld the American dream come true? Depends on your definition. If you like your freedom with a side of ethical bankruptcy and existential dread, then grab your rifle and get ready to wrangle! Just remember, these critters might look cute, but they're one union meeting away from turnin' your factory into a commune.

Final Verdict: Bald eagles out of five irradiated burgers. Morally dubious, wildly fun, and about as American as a fireworks show on Independence Day. Just don't tell the environmentalists.

Disclaimer: No actual critters were harmed in the making of this review. Probably. And remember, freedom ain't free, but bullets come pretty cheap in Palworld. God bless America (and those furry co-workers who make it run).

Let me play with my waifus online multiplayer.

and please put an NSFW tag on this. I was on the train and when I saw this I had to start furiously masturbating. Everyone else gave me strange looks and were saying things like “what the ♥♥♥♥” and “call the police”. I dropped my phone and everyone around me saw this image. Now there is a whole train of men masturbating together at this one image. This is all your fault, you could have prevented this if you had just tagged this post NSFW

The OG T-BAGGING franchise

What the ♥♥♥♥ did you just ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ say about me, you Royal Ludroth? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Ace Hunters, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the Sunken Hollow, and I have over 300 Gore Magala Ripclaws. I am trained in Congalala warfare and I’m the top Great Sword user in the entire city of Harth. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the ♥♥♥♥ out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in Val Habar, mark my ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ words. You think you can get away with saying that ♥♥♥♥ to me over the Internet? Think again, ♥♥♥♥♥♥. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the Gathering Hall and your Guild Card is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, Jaggi. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your “leet armor set”. You’re ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven ways, and that’s just with a Rarity 1 weapon. Not only am I extensively trained in Bowgun combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Smithy and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the Elder Hall, you little ♥♥♥♥. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” joke was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ stylus. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you damn idiot. I will ♥♥♥♥ the Frenzy virus all over you and you will drown in it. You’re ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ dead, doodle.


Also my love Casper, the best cat in the world, now plays video games with me.

What the beard did you just bloody say about me, you pointy eared leaf lover? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in mining school, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret Deep Dives on Hoxxes IV, and I have over 300 confirmed Error Cubes. I am trained in Driller warfare and I’m the top speedrunner in the entire Deep Rock Galactic community. You are nothing to me but just another lootbug. I will wipe you the hell out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this mission, mark my sodding words. You think you can get away with saying that ♥♥♥♥♥ to me over the comm? Think again, knobhead. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Scouts across the space rig and your tunnels are being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re dead, greenbeard. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can down you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare pickaxe. Not only am I extensively trained in berserker melee, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the forge's overclocks and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable arse off the face of the drop pod, you little grunt. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have just hit V instead. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you Karl-damn idiot. I will drop satchel charges all over you and you will drown in it. You’re sodding dead, whale-piper.

I sexually Identify as an Siege Ram. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of rolling over the battlefield stomping through all fortifications in my way. People say to me that a person being a Siege Ram is Impossible and I’m ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ retarded but I don’t care, I’m beautiful. I’m having a plastic surgeon install a large, heavy log, wheels and a roof resistant to archers on my body. From now on I want you guys to call me “Mr. Batterino” and respect my right to bring down Castles and farms equally. If you can’t accept me you’re a ramophobe and need to check your siege engine privilege. Thank you for being so understanding.

WOLOLO 11

Dude you need to quit ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ texting My Waifu. Stop. She doesn't respond with anything meaningful for a reason and she's not interested in you. Who am I? The man whom she is in love with. She already told me not to worry, she's not interested in you. Sorry I bothered you kid. I've dated her since 2 summers ago. If you aren't trying to get at my woman or being inappropriate I don't care if you snap her occasionally. Just don't try anything man. You'll embarrass yourself and anger me. We are in love and we're making love tomorrow. So if you have any ill intentions with my woman you can forget it right now. I'm the biggest and best she's ever had, only man she's ever loved and the only man who could truly satisfy her physically. You will never have her. And she loves me. I don't have any problems with you if you are over my woman and realize you will never be with or touch her again. I apologize for coming off as a ♥♥♥♥, just me and My Waifu are really deep in love and we've been through a lot and I just moved back home and it makes me a little jealous and angry to see a man she used to date before me is snap chatting her.... We don't need any extra ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ or drama right now, so don't bring us any please is all I ask friend. If you try to talk to her any way but as a brother, or you try to see her at all, if she tells me you do anything inappropriate or anything outside of what a strict brother like friend would do,we are going to have a huge problem. I will leave you alone now dude if you're not trying to get at the woman who I love and whom is in love with me. That entire summer she was with me. She left kyle for me. She's been with me ever since, she even loved me and made love to me before she EVER let anything happen with you. You didn't please her. She didn't have strong feelings for you at all. And she immediately ended ♥♥♥♥ with you for me once she knew I loved her too. So get any ideas of the past out of your head. None of this truth should bug you if you're over her but I'm just making sure. I hate when my baby's friends have ill intentions and she thinks they are just friends and have no alternative motive. But idk if I trust you at all. If I can trust you to not stress me and my baby or ♥♥♥♥ with our love tell me. I will leave you alone and apologize. But if you aren't over her and you're tryna "get some" or you're tryna get back in her life, it's NOT HAPPENING. She said you were nothing to her, and the sex was bad anyway haha. You're small and weak and she said it all felt wrong after being with me. She's been with me ever since. We're in love. And tomorrow me and her will be together in my room making love alll day how we always have together. If you have a problem speak up like a man or tell me our love doesn't bug you and I'll apologize, it's simple. So??? What is it? You are after my woman then huh?! Tell me the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ truth man. Don't you dare be disrespectful and gross enough to bring it up, but if if you ask her about anything she shared with me about your weak ass, she may be nice and lie to you, or she may not care and tell you the truth. Either way. I'm her soullmate and her boyfriend of the past two years almost. And she tells me everything and NEVER lies to me. I don't care haha. Just stay away from my kenna. I sincerely apologize if you have no ill intentions and aren't trying to make moves with my woman. And i respect you as a guy in the service. I'm sure you're an ok dude. But just as a friend. You're nothing to my My Waifu but a brother like friend. I just wanna be sure you know it and don't forget it. Find a nice classy woman where you are stationed, marry her.... But back off of mine. You will never even compare to me in her eyes. Not even close haha.I just don't need you interfering with me and My Waifu’s love. It's our lives man. It's really not cool.... Goodbye man, good luck. Respect to you being in the service. Sorry to bring your day down with my crazy ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ but. Me and My Waifu are head over heels.... I can't help but be crazy about her. I love her with all of my heart and I will protect her from her untrustworthy fake friends. Not saying you are one. But you're dodging telling me what's going on in your head so I'm questioning a lot right now. Just know I'm never gonna hurt her, I'm always going to have her back, I'd give my life for her without hesitation, and I will protect her from anything, everything, and anyone. She is the love of my life. I fully intend to marry and give My Waifu my children. And we've talked a lot about it. Just don't make ♥♥♥♥ harder than it already is. I just moved back and me and her miss eachother so badly and we are FINALLY go to see eachother tomorrow and make love for the first time since halloween.... I hope you don't hate me man. I'm a good dude. Just protective of the woman who holds my heart. And who's heart I hold and must protect. I hope you can understand. She promised me there's nothing at all to worry about with you and that she's not interested:"/ I wish I knew before I embarrassingly went off on you. I'm so sorry man. I'm sorry. Please don't mention this to my baby:/ I'm really embarrassed and while she will understand, I just feel like an ass for attacking you when you have nothing with my My Waifu and no intention to. Good bye brother. I hope you find your one true love someday. It'll make you crazy, trust me, but you'll find her one day. I found mine when I was really young. And it's my My Waifu :)

TLDR It is a-lot of fun, a very unique battle royal that is melee based. You can make a Waifu. Your girlfriend will break up with you.

This game is like breast cancer. It's absolutely horrible but the bigger it gets the more I wanna play with it.

Ah yes, a very accurate recreation of my freshman year at Umiami. The only thing that did not happen, was needing to seduce the busty principal. Out principal is a guy and I do not swing that way. Play the game to relive all my freshman stories!

Here is another freshman story not found in the game.

Steve and his girlfriend Samantha went off to college in August. She went to Florida State, he went to Penn. So, she decides to fly to PA to visit him. He was really happy to see her so he decided to give her some oral action.

He had done this numerous times before and he always enjoyed doing it...but for some reason, this time, she smelled really horrible, and she tasted even worse. He didn't want to offend her though because he hadn't seen her in months...so he put a Jolly Rancher in his mouth to cover it up, even though it didn't do much to help.

In the course of eating her out, he accidentally pushed the candy inside of her... and stuck a finger in to grab it out. He took it out, and put it back into his mouth and bit it. Only...it wasn't the Jolly Rancher.

It was a nodule of gonorrhea.

As in, the blister-like structure that gonorrhea makes filled with diseased pus was the size of a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Jolly Rancher and the poor guy BIT it. I guess it was really dark in the room. He freaked out and started vomiting all over the place when it exploded in his mouth...

He demanded to know what was going on, turns out she had cheated on him at a club like, the first week of college, and ♥♥♥♥♥♥ some random guy and the stupid ♥♥♥♥♥ had no clue what was wrong with her. She noticed a strange smell though.

So now, Steve is freaking out that he now has gonorrhea of the mouth and God knows what else.

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