If my girl and my beyblades are both drowning and I could only save one, you can catch me letting it rip at my girls funeral Cause it's bey blade or catch a fade my ♥♥♥♥♥

[2/2]As soon as I uttered those fateful words, my son began to convulse. He dropped to floor in some sort of manic state, spit pouring from his mouth as his eyes rolled back into his head. Zander tried to help him, but I pushed that dainty little queer away with my heteronormative strength.

After a full minute, my son opened his eyes and said, "Dad, you cured me of my homosexuality." Then, with manly tears of joy in his eyes, he pointed to Zander and exclaimed, "Let's get that ♥♥♥♥!"

After we wiped Zander's blood off our hands and threw the little fairy into the cold, my son and I sat down with a beer and watched some football.

As we watched, my son turned to me and said, "Dad, I love you. No ♥♥♥♥."

"No ♥♥♥♥ indeed, son," I replied. "No ♥♥♥♥ indeed."

[1/2]I cured my son of the Big Gay. The other day, he came home for Christmas with his new partner. I was excited to meet her (and maybe MEAT her after my son fell asleep hehe), but imagine my horror when it turned out to be another man.

I immediately started to protest, but my son said "Dad, this is who I am. Zander and I are in love."

Without missing a beat, I turned around and said, "You forgot to say no ♥♥♥♥."

But my boy simply scoffed at me and said, "Actually, dad, I AM a homosexual. That's right, your son is in love with another man." Then my son grabbed Zander's hand and looked at me defiantly.

For a second, I was utterly devastated. But then I thought to myself What would Trump do? So I stared straight at my son, penetrating his soul with my eyes (no ♥♥♥♥), and said, "But that's gay."

Hey baby.... ♥♥♥♥♥ myself is that a bulge.. you must be happy to see me realizes it’s ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ diarrhea let me unzip that for you and take a look... feels it leak down my pants and into my socks mmmmm looks.. hard... literally ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ dies you know I like... hehe.. hard candy.. shoves nasty penis in mouth while sneezing out vomit slurp slurp..... do you... slurp slurp... like this... slurp slurp realizes diarrhea is soaking through her pants turning them brown cough cough.. oh my.. you’re so big I can barely handle it... crams it back in mouth while fart-spraying diarrhea into the already soaked brown underwear I can barely... huff huff... breathe... I love your hard hard candy.. notices a miscarriage and blood mixing with the diarrhea in her pants with the dead baby hey baby.. are you reading to penetrate my lips with your delicious candy...? has a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ seizure and goes into a coma

I spend 5 hours masturbating before my prostate exams. I edge, and edge and edge, until a butterfly sneezing on my taint could bring me to orgasm. I tactfully shuffle my way down to the doctor's office and when he lubes up I nearly ♥♥♥ every time. But I've trained my keggle muscles enough to the point where I can hold in Mount Vesuvius' wrath. Then as soon as he puts the smallest bit of pressure on my prostate I unleash with the fury of a lion hunting its prey. As the room gets covered in my hot sticky juices the doctor looks on disgusted and leaves the room. I always go to a hospital far away from where I live to get it so that I don't have to go in for surgery under the doctor that I busted to. Best thing is we have free healthcare here, so the doctor gets me off and it's covered by taxpayers. That's my fetish.

I sexually Identify as a Gabe Newell. Ever since I was a boy I dreamed of filling my wallet by dropping Steam Sales onto 12 000 games at once. People say to me that a person being a Newell is impossible and I'm ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ retarded but I don't care, I'm beautiful. I have 10 computers worth over 10k each in order to drop new Steam Sales every few days. From now on I want you guys to call me "Gabe" and respect my right to get rich fast and discount needlessly. If you can't accept me you're a profitophobe and need to check your wallet. Thank you for being so understanding.