Hello [Subject Name Here],
And welcome to the Aperture Science Perpetual Testing Initiative. You have been self-selected by our team to engage in the most thrilling contribution to Science in the entire history of the multiverse! This collection of supremely impossible-and-definitely-lethal-yet-completely-harmless test chambers is the finest addition we've made to Science, but we need your help (whatever abhorred unintelligent octopus monstrosity you are) in order to seal the deal. Besides. Surely whatever progress you make, and thus whatever contribution to Science you make, through these chambers will be far greater than your inconceivably insignificant existence you find yourself in. Once again, welcome to the Aperture Science Perpetual Testing Initiative, and begin testing.

Cave Johnson

P.S. Aperture Science Test Cycle 01: ASHPD will contain Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device laden tests. If you feel that you are unable to complete or engage in these tests, please consult an Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device manual to assure yourself that you still can.

P.S.S. If you're reading this, get back to work, or I will light your pantaloons aflame.

P.S.S.S. I'm being serious. Get your sorry tentacles back to testing or I will get one of my associates to turn you into multiverse calamari!

P.S.S.S.S. If you didn't get it the first three times, if you're not testing right now I will fire you!

P.S.S.S.S.S. Okay now seriously? Really? Do octopuses not have ANY brains? *Sir, it's pronounced 'octopi'...* Did I ask your opinion!? You're fired! Yes! You! LEAVE. NOW. And you! Get back to testing!