How To Make A Stupid Guide About "Philosophical" TF2

Ever seen a guide that explains a certain (i can't put enough quotation marks around this word so I won't try) 'philosophical' part of TF2? Well then, do I have something for you! I can tell you how to make one!

Introduction and Example

To start off on the path of creating a downright ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ stupid philosophical guide, you need an example first and foremost. Philosophy isn't something that can be felt, or heard, or seen, or given intercourse to, it's something you need to have an example of. For this guide, I'll use this example of the most popular Philosophical guide out currently.

Kipcreate the Medic's F2P and W+M1 guide or something

I have no idea how to link guides properly and I don't need to know how.

Step 1: Your Introduction

No, not mine, YOURS!

When making your introduction, you need to establish that you have absolutely no idea what you're talking about in regards to the philosophical argument you're making. Case in point:
"W+M1 Pyros are a staple of the noob Pyro and raging maniacs lost in the fury of being dominated"

It's the first sentence and two contradictory arguments have already been made. First, that the pyro is a noob. Second, that he gets dominations. But next, let's move on to the REAL stupid paragraph:

"The skilled Pyro is generally seen as someone running around with a Degreaser, Flare Gun, and Homewrecker,"

From this sentence on, you understand that the creator has no idea what he's talking about again. He boils pyro down to three weapons, even though some "skilled" pyros commonly use weapons such as:

• The Reserve Shooter
  
• The stock shotgun
  
• The stock flamethrower
  
• The Powerjack
  
• The Axetinguisher (we hardly knew ye retardation)
  
• The Detonator

Can you count the number of pyros you've seen with the creator's implied loadout on a single hand? Yes? Then he's done a great job in imposing that he has no idea what he's talking about.

"But, there are cases where the best option is pull out your Phlog and Backburner, push forward, and tape down your mouse."

This is the part where the creator tried to identify what W+M1 is, which, in and of itself, is a wonderful treat for our philosophical minds. Remember, nobody ever has any idea what they're talking about.

Step 2: Explaining your argument

When explaining your argument, you want to make sure that you completely and utterly miss the point while also making two different contradictory arguments. You can see that in the "The Case For W+M1" part of the guide. Here's a few choice quotes:

"No successful W+M1 Pyro ever got their killstreak by being found stuck in the corner trying to figure out where to go. They know the map, and while they may not be experts, they know enough to make the back alleys and pathways into stealth paths they use to pop out of nowhere and make the enemy it had been a spy who had the decency to kill them quickly."

"It combines the maneuvering of a Scout, the sneakiness of a Spy, and the close-range deadliness of a Heavy all in a simple, easy-to-learn package, and is often a simple answer to a hard defense or a crushing Sniper, an easy way to clear the way to the intel- it’s versatile. So, simply, if it works, it can’t be all bad."

"The biggest argument against the W+M1 Pyro is its simplicity. It’s so easy, any f2p noob can do it. In my personal opinion, that’s exactly why it’s a good thing."

Wait what. Didn't you just say this required good knowledge of the map and a mind for how to flank and get behind the enemey when they're distracted?

If that's the case, shouldn't this be a harder tactic for new players?

Questions like these are great to impose in your viewers, since people read philosophical pieces to question themselves. Or you.

"Backburning Gibus monstrosity can actually have some fun, and feel what it’s like to get a domination."

Until somone snaps out of their stupidity spell and decides to check the flank.

Plus, WM1 isn't even what you're saying it is, it's when a pyro blindly decides to run at the enemey without any stealth or substance and hope they get a kill. Doing what you're saying is "playing ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ pyro".

But wait, let's get even deeper into the philosophy here. There's another argument to be made, and by jolly we're going to see it!

Step 3: The Philosophy Matrix (upboat on reddit for movie reference)

Now that you've made an argument that makes no sense, is contradictory, and basically said you have no idea how the class should be played, it's time to talk about the REAL issues, the philosophical ones.

When picking a philosophical issue, make sure it's the most iron-clad obvious one to explain. Like, why does the toast always land butter down, or why do bees STILL produce honey? (lmao bee movie reference upbaot on reddit)

And then ruin the explanation entirely. Here, I'll show you!

"We need to be real. We’re not all going to play TF2 forever, and that means it will eventually die.
But, the new player base can keep it alive. These new players are the next generation of TF2 pros, "

No they're not, moron. These people are playing tf2 until they get tired of getting killed, and then moving onto something like Overwatch or whatever other shooter comes out in 2017. I've played this game for 2000 hours and even I ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ hate it, but the only reason I'm playing it is because it's the only alive arena shooter. and i suck at everything else

"and we just need to let them grow. If we are mean, if we make these f2p players feel like they aren’t welcome, like they can’t play because they’re trying to learn, if we don’t let the W+M1 develop and learn to become better with time, like the rest of us did- they won’t want to play."

So we should condone stupid tactics like blindly rushing at the enemey in hopes you kill them with afterburn when you get shot to death for being stupid.

"And while many salty people may think that that isn’t a big deal, the truth is- the community is what keeps TF2 alive. And, the only way to sustain our favorite team-based hat simulator is to let new blood bring new life, because, face it- not everyone is staying."

Especially not the F2Ps who'd never want to play this game for 2000 hours.

"Eventually, the pros are gonna leave. Eventually, Muselk and ArraySeven and Uncle Dane and all the others will get tired and move on. It will be sad."

The 'pros' and 'community pillars' already left you braindead moron. They jumped on whatever ship was sailing closest at the time.

"But, eventually, there’s going to be a new set of stars, a new generation of players, a new community who will carry our torch and our love of hats and unusuals, a new set of rocket jumpers and map-makers and trickstabbers, a new set of puff-and-stingers, and they will have to shepered the new wave of Gibuses and W+M1 and whatnot."

If that's the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ case they should've already been the new community by now. Do you know how damn long TF2 has been free to play? Long enough for the "new community" to set in and get good at the game. If what you're saying is in any way true then a majority of people on community servers who actively participate in map-making and forum-posting are free-to-plays. But they aren't. They're people from as far back as 2007 who only play the game becuase of the community still being up.

All in all, this just tells me that this guy hasn't heard of TF2's learning curve which most ADHD children would never want to get past.

So after you've made two pointless arguments that have made no sense and completely contradict reality, what more can you do? Oh, I know, UPDATE THE GUIDE!

Step 4: The Update!

Obviously, your guide must be updated for both the times and wild criticism it will get. This guide is so updated, it already updated in response to my earlier criticism about the retarded loadouts by offering more dumb loadouts that make no sense

"The best loadouts for W+M1 are as such:

High Mobility Flanking
-The Backburner
-The Detonator
-The Powerjack

High DPS Flanking
-The Plogistinator
-Panic Attack/Stock Shotgun
-Back Scratcher"

Alright, instead of just explaining why it's stupid let me just fix it so it's not stupid and I'll explain why I made the changes.

High Mobility Flanking
-The Backburner Stock Flamethrower
-The Detonator
-The Powerjack

High DPS Flanking
-The Plogistinator The Backburner
-Panic Attack/Stock Shotgun
-Back Scratcher The Powerjack

1. For some stupid reason, this sacrifices airblast abillity which is cruical if you get caught off guard by a heavier class who happens to have airblast-prone weaponry. That's why I made it the stock flamethrower, since not only can a good amount of skill with it make you even MORE mobile, but due to your lack of ranged killing power the airblast can easily make up for it. Also, since you don't need to switch weapons that quickly, the degreaser is unnecessary.

2. For some stupid reason, this sacrifices it ENTIRELY, and apparently assumes that any pyro would use their melee in any situation. It was likely for the medpacks, but that would fit better into high mobillity since you're oft to take self-damage. It's mostly my opinion that the Panic Attack can't do much more than the stock shotgun (which kills most classes in 2 well placed shots.)

Of course, this is assuming you use the loadouts in the way the creator is supposedly intending, or whatever. Most people would just switch to a class more effective for flanking like:

Scout
Rocket Jumping Soldier
Sticky Jumping BALLS 2 DA WALL Demoman
Ninjaneering with the Rescue Ranger (yes people do this and it's fun as hell)
Spy

Moving on from that:
"These Pyros make good flankers, acting somewhat like Scouts. They aren't built for front line assaults or defensive play, so a W+M1 approach is very situational, generally applying to larger maps where the opposing team is spread out over a large area and pushing in areas that have flank points."

So wait, they act like scouts? What's just stopping me from playing Scout then? He isn't handicapped at range like the "high-mobillity-flanking" pyro.

"As far as countering goes, Heavies, Soldiers, and Demos should have the health reserve to be able to react and give the Pyro in question a swift dunking on. W+M1 Pyros will try to close in, so get some damage at range, then finish with an easy melee."

1. Good luck with Melee hitboxes.
2. Wouldn't they just react when you damage them at range?
3. Wouldn't they just kill you even if you DO get in close? Something tells me that Heavies, Soldier, and Demos have the DPS for it.
4. What about other pyros?
5. Damn, also, two of those might not even be a problem if you had airblast
6. Explosive-jumping away might cause a huge issue if you end up getting caught by someone who checks their flank.

"Scouts can prevent the Pyro from ever having any effect, as they can travel and clear flank routes much faster than the Pyro. Situational awareness, however, is the biggest tool you have. Watch the flank routes. Look around. Look up. Listen. If they can't surprise you, they will have a hard time killing you."

What. Scouts aren't going to have a hard time killing Pyros because they don't have the drop on them. t. Guy who was called a scout main for making a retarded guide about killing sentries

"[Edit] I've seen a lot of people commenting with concerns about the strategy, specifically regarding this strategy being vulnerable to Snipers. That simply isn't the case, though. A good flanking W+M1 Pyro will take back routes and stay out of sightlines, meaning all engagements will likely take place at mid to close range."

If you're fighting an absolutely godawful sniper, then sure. Good ones will watch the flanks instead of developing scope-trauma and retreat or prepare if they notice danger coming. And don't even get me started on the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ who can quickscope + smg.

"Finally, I will respecify my definition of W+M1. I hold that it is a kill style, pursuing the enemy with the flamethrower to keep them in stream. This works in a flank strategy, where the Pyro sneaks behind enemy lines and targets players away from the bulk of the team. The W+M1 most people think of is the one who charges the front lines while dumping ammo. To me, that isn't truly W+M1. That's just a lack of game sense. "

Well, too bad because that's how the term originated, and that's why it's called W+M1. If it was a good strat it wouldn't be given such a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ stupid name like W+M1 and would've been called something different, like "flaming". Re-using a stupid term for your stupid guide meant for stupid people is plain dumb, and trying to write off W+M1 as something sooper-pro because you were playing pyro as the original way he was intended to be played and then creating a wank-guide for it just to make yourself sound smart brings autists like me into the fray to debunk it at every turn.


Not to mention, if you're going to go through all of the damn trouble to learn how to flank by just using the flamethrower, why not just use the puff and sting combo anyways?

Step 5: Post-Modernism

this guide

post your email in the comments and i'll send you scout's mother's nudes

no criticism i hate improving

[Poozer]

Shit, I had almost forgotten about this gem. Still love it, though. I do plan on making a response to the reply, but... I have a better format than a guide to do it on. Anyway, I love this salt-fueled first-year psych student thing you've done, and hope to see more of it.

[radiomaster]

So basically, the M1 + W *COUGH* "Tactic" is what kids use when they are a bunch of lazy faggots who don't have the skill to steal mommie's credit card info and buy paid games.
ok

[Steaua Buc]

Yeah, great guide!

[Poozer]

Nice. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But I think you've done one better. I genuinely like this. Well made argument, with enough biting wit to be entertaining. Exposotional Parody, well done.