Become a Pub Pro without effort

Being a Team Fortress 2 pro is something reserved for the social elite. I've spent almost seven hours on pub servers, endlessly researching and investigating how to become an expert player. After my extensive training regime, I can now confidently sometimes end up in the top 60% of players on my team. I'm prepared to reveal my secrets for the first time ever in this exclusive guide, but the only catch is that you have to read it because I couldn't find a way to express this information using only pictures.

Introduction & Philosophy

<marquee>Welcome to Portponky's neat guide</marquee>

When I boot up Team Fortress 2 and join a server, people turn their heads. They recognise immediately that the player in their presence is an expert, someone of refined skill and experience. I carefully select a team, usually after pressing 'tab' to check the scoreboard so I can make sure I'm not accidentally joining the losing team. Victory is usually only a few minutes away. When I win, my team crowds around me, cheering, dancing and celebrating my honor.

It probably sounds like a complete fantasy to you. After all, only a select few have ever reached this level of skill: Gabe Newell, Shigeru Miyamoto and Steve Jobs are some examples. To me, this is just every day. And it can be for you as well, if you read and research this guide with intense care.

I'll leave you with a quote from a Buddhist mantra that I have held dear to my heart for many years:

"I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."
--Blade Runner

Amen.

Decking out your Avatar

Nobody is going to understand that you are a pro if you don't give the right impression. Like my dad always said, if you're going to perform solicited work at the docks, you have to look extremely fabulous.

Handle

The first step is having a 'handle', which is an Internet name you use to seem intimidating from the point of just joining the game. This following table will help you pick a name that strikes fear into everyone on the server - when they see your hot name, people will hope you join their team!

Simply combine a first and second half, add what you've made into a flair and, if you want, glue a bonus part on the end to make your handle truly individual.

First half	Second half	Flair	Optional bonus
Dark	Light	xX_ name _Xx	mix/merc
Zero	Sephiroth	{{ name }}	[nosound]
Pwning	ARMY	(1) name	( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Genuine	Shatner	__ name 69__	quickselling
99	Beyond	MLG | name	#sWaG
TRUE	Heisenberg	☣ name ☢	420
Ultimate	NoScoper	[GIRL_GAMER] name	(music)
VooDoo	One	★★ name ¶¶	| trade.tf
Divine	Myth	^2**^3 name ^2**^1	twitch.tv

So, for example, you might pick Ultimate, Sephiroth, with the flair {{name}} and bonus #sWag, and you can combine these to make {{UltimateSephiroth}} #sWaG. Fantastic. Funny story: I once played against a guy called {{UltimateSephiroth}} #sWaG, and let me tell you: It was a challenge. Of course, I won, but it wasn't easy.

Note that this list of names is not exhaustive, although it covers most of them.

Logo

In Steam, which is Valve's meta-game for playing Team Fortress, you can assign yourself a logo. This can be any small, square image, but ideally it should be something that sums up your personality -- that of a winner.

Whilst there's a whole Internet of logos out of there, I've narrowed down the possible choices to these sweet, awesome few. Choose one of these and slap it on your account, and you're good to go.



Of course, you could make your own logo, but that would be laughable. Another valid option is leaving the default 'question mark' design in place, as it's mysterious and enigmatic.

Spray

You can activate sprays by setting your spray to this:



Unfortunately, sprays don't work anymore.

Sweet Custom Names

Once you have all that sorted, it's probably time to inspect your backpack. In the menu, click the backpack button that looks like this:



That will take you into your backpack. Here you can sort your items; apply paints to your hats; and, most importantly, apply name tags and description tags to your weapons. Give your favourite weapons dangerous and sexy names. Here are some suggestions:

• boomstick
  
• u mad?
  
• kurt cobain's microphone

I'm unaware if other names can be given.

Class guide: Scout

The scout is a fast talkin', fast walkin' young boyscout from Canada. His main talents are speed and a secret strategy known as "bonk". Scout is especially good at winning the round in a pinch and at completing the round objective.

Ideal deployment for scout is when you're on the blue team, especially if the round timer is under one minute. Because the scout lives in what's known as "the speed zone", one minute on the timer is about three minutes for the scout. In this time you can achieve three times as much, which is why it's important to always remain in "the speed zone" at all times.

If you're on red team, there's no point in selecting scout, so don't do that. I don't even know why it's an option.

Ideally each team should have 2 scouts.

Weaponry

SLOT	EQUIPMENT	EXPERT OPINION
Primary		This strange fish-shaped aluminum baseball bat is the scout's key weapon. It can only be found by drop, trade or by completing the fisherman quest on pl_village_quest
Secondary		This is a regular can of bonk with a weapon attached. It adds extra dials and meters to the UI, but it is unknown exactly what they do.
Melee		When drinking this refreshing liquid, the scout will turn invisible-ish and be able to run through all attacks. Watch out, though: You can still be knocked about.

Strategy

The main strategy of scout is to run towards the objective as fast as you can and ignore everything else. Because you are so fast, you will be able to dodge all attacks and capture the objective without issue. This always works; so don't hesitate to use scout when time is low and you need to win.

When fighting other classes, flail around them, shooting all over the place. This isn't very effective, but it is super annoying.

Scout is especially good at outrunning sentry bullets. So if there is an enemy sentry, just keep running at it again and again. You might die a few times, but once you get past it, you will know for sure that you're in "the speed zone",

Digital Style

This is pretty much the ultimate in Scout style. It's a rare item; so only the richest and bravest scouts get to wear it. Note that I accidentally got a picture of the red version, which is silly, as scouts should be on the blue team. Sorry about that.

There are some other cool items for scout, including a sweaty headband and arm tattoos. Try to collect them as fast as possible! Get it? Because the scout is fast?

Class guide: Soldier

The soldier is a versatile class who has absolutely no special abilities. A little known fact is that Team Fortress 2 is actually a mod of the game 'Quake 1', and as such, Valve have been unable to delete the Quake player from the game. Instead, they hid him in the class selection and hoped nobody would notice.

Soldier is the only class who can fly, but the power of flight comes at great cost: His ground speed is really bad. That means the soldier's main strategies are roaming around really slowly and reloading all the time. If you want to turn the whole game into a walking simulator where you get angry militaristic comments or, in other words, 'The Donald Rumsfeld Parable', then soldier is the class for you.

Ideally, you should select soldier when you are confused or otherwise tired. The ideal number of soldiers on a team is 0 because soldiers aren't useful.

Weaponry

SLOT	EQUIPMENT	EXPERT OPINION
Primary		This fashionable rocket launcher has go-faster orange stripes so you can deal out just as much damage but at twice the speed. Highly recommended.
Secondary		This item is called the 'Run Away Axe', and it can take you to the land of your dreams. Whip it out and start to build up speed by running in circles.
Melee		The most recent addition to the soldier's arsenal is this dangerous parachute. Use it to float in the air and attack enemies.

Strategy

The key strategy of the soldier is to wander about and eventually fire rockets at the enemy if you can find them. Soldiers are prime candidates for enemy snipers; so I'd advise you don't wander too far from your own base.

When in 1v1 combat with another class, you are at a severe disadvantage because of slow speed. The trick here is to target the enemy's shoes. If you can cause enough foot-damage, they will slow down to your speed, and then it will be an even fight.

To summarize, the soldier is a weak and inflexible class without a good general use case in the battlefield. Avoid.

Digital Style

The ultimate in soldier style is this fashionable and confusing item. That's right: It's a pair of deer antlers that are on fire. It's exceptionally rare; so only the top soldiers have them. There are lots of other bizarre items for soldier, most of them on fire.

Apart from burning things, the soldier has a few neat items like a metal bucket hat that shows up in your backpack with a green icon because of a glitch. He also has a traffic cone with the same glitch.

Class guide: Pyro

This class is superb for beginners or experts alike. His powers draw from an eternal pool of fire magic, and as such, he can ignite enemies and friends alike. Burn damage is exceptionally powerful, which makes the pyro a powerful player.

Not much is known about the history of pyro. Even what kind of genitalia the pyro has is still a much discussed issue on team fortress fan forums. It is well known that the pyro is feared by the other classes.

Pyro's power of fire is unmatched by any other class, and as such, it's very important that every team has pyros on it. The ideal number is probably 3 pyros, but as long as you have at least 2, your team should win.

Weaponry

SLOT	EQUIPMENT	EXPERT OPINION
Primary		Get right in there with this reskin for the flamethrower. It looks like a shark, and some people suspect that the pyro is in fact a shark. So it should intimidate your opponents.
Secondary		Why not carry a flamethrower alongside your flamethrower? This flamethrower increases weapon switch speed and crits from any angle. It's also so kawaii (cute).
Melee		Night vision goggles were a top item in Counterstrike, and it's no different in TF2. With these on, you will never be ambushed in a dark room or sneaked up on by a naughty spy!

Strategy

Strategy? The pyro is so strong that you barely need it. Merely passing your glans over the mouse button will ignite the entire room and kill everyone in it. If you're 1v1'ing any other player, you'll win. If you're 1v2 or 1v3, you're probably good too. If you're 1v1'ing an enemy pyro, then essentially the game turns into Yu-Gi-Oh; so you might win or you might not. I don't have a good grasp on Yu-Gi-Oh; so I can't really say.

When you right click, the pyro's flame nozzle shoots out a gust of air. This sends enemies flying and can reflect rockets, arrows or even bullets if your timing is good enough. Unfortunately, it uses all your ammo; so try not to do it unless it's by accident.

Occasionally your burning teammates will approach you and call for help. This is a tradition among TF2 players. It demonstrates to the pyro that the enemy team also has a pyro and is a formal request that you seek out the enemy pyro and exact revenge. The proper way to respect this wish is by taunting. So if you see a burning teammate, remember to taunt.

Digital Style

There's only one hat you need for the pyro, and that is the Ghastly Gibus. It appears in your backpack at random if you survived the last Halloween. Once equipped, you will become a diamond in the rough among your grubby and unwashed team.

There are also some other items for the pyro. A popular one is an invisible pink balloon rhinoceros, but because of a glitch, this can only be seen by other pyros on a full moon if they survived the last Halloween. Another popular item is the Mann Co. Store Cap, which you get by crafting a backpack expander with a flamethrower.

Class guide: Demon man

The demon man is a regular man possessed by the spirit of a scottish maniac. He has a crazy level of ordnance. He rivals the pyro for sheer damage output; so is a valuable member of a winning team.

The downside to the demon man is his weapons fire in a really weird way. They're affected by gravity and tend to bounce and roll all over the place. Luckily they are powerful enough that this is only a mild disadvantage; so don't worry too much and just keep firing away.

In the movie version of Team Fortress 2, the demon man would be played by Eddie Murphy. Why? First, he looks pretty similar. Second, he's an A-List actor that could easily perform the role with one eye covered. And third? In his time working on the Shrek movies, he learned how to do a perfect Scottish accent from Mike Myers. These three points make him the perfect choice to portray the demon man on the big screen.

The ideal number of demon men per team is 6. No more, no less.

Weaponry

SLOT	EQUIPMENT	EXPERT OPINION
Primary		This gun one shots everyone. So why equip anything else? Gotta take the best to be the best.
Secondary		For a secondary, this is a very powerful weapon with no real downsides. I'd recommend it over the stock loadout for its strength, power, and ease of use.
Melee		At first, maybe you thought this wasn't a Loch 'n' Load. You're wrong. It's a Loch 'n' Load. Why? Because it's the best melee weapon for demon man.

Strategy

One click will kill all the enemies in front of you; so the main strategy as demon man is to face the enemies and then click. Roleplaying as a one-eyed person might make this a challenge; so feel free to use all your eyes to make this easy.

If the enemies dodge and weave, you might not be able to hit them first time. This can be a problem, as demon man weapons are wacky goof weapons. Try to outsmart them if you're accurate, but otherwise run away and spawncamp the enemies. As long as you meet your enemies face on, you're unlikely to lose.

Digital Style

Just as the king is the strongest piece in chess, the demon man is the king of the underworld and, as such, can be kitted out in full regal attire. He also has items such as a golf skirt and a large gold battoon.

There are plenty of other items, like this pair of shoes. Because the demon man's parents run a fancy dress shop, you can dress him up as an Aladdin or a pirate.

Class guide: Heavy

Heavy is the largest class, and a large class comes with a large gun. His gun is known as the BFG9000 and is a miniature gun that shoots bullets. He can also carry food items, teammates and so on.

The Heavy hails from the town of Arstotzka in Soviet Russia. Whilst he might seem like a big fool, don't be fooled, because he is no fool. In Russian, he has a PhD in Russian literature. He's a deep thinker and likes to ponder the meaning and value of every situation. This just doesn't come across because he speaks English like a five year old.

Heavy's gun is powerful and can mow down many enemies. Unfortunately, heavy is extremely slow and can barely move, having the tiny legs of a child. This means he draws all the enemy fire and passes away quickly. There's a symbiotic solution to this problem, which is to stuff a medic up your rear end. Then you might do some damage and survive.

The perfect number of heavies for your team is the same number as how many medics you have. More is useless, and less makes the medics redundant.

Weaponry

SLOT	EQUIPMENT	EXPERT OPINION
Primary		The default primary for heavy is a powerful and deadly rapid-fire machine gun. Use it all the time, but be careful. You go slow when you're shooting it.
Secondary		This mysterious secondary has been seen on the heavy from time to time. I think, if you right-click, the heavy will eat it for a massive XP bonus.
Melee		The heavy has no melee items; so he is empty handed.

Strategy

First, wait in spawn, calling for medic until you have a medic healing you. If you do not have a medic, do not leave spawn. If at any point your medic leaves you or dies, return to spawn immediately until you get a replacement medic.

Once out in the battleground, just shoot your gun and walk menacingly towards anyone who threatens you. You're a big strong tank; so you have moderate chances of winning in a 1v1 situation but only if the other player is not paying attention.

The sad truth is that the heavy is really a big soppy meat shield, and as such, his role is to live and die for the team. So expect to die a lot at heavy.

Digital Style

Heavy has no items and really doesn't need any. For some reason, you can equip the pyro's Gibus and Goggles, but it's really unnecessary and can draw irksome responses from your teammates and enemies.

It might be disappointing for the collectors out there that there are no heavy items, but don't worry. There's no point in playing heavy either.

Class guide: Engineer

The engineer is in charge of building things for the team. They fortify the spawn area and prevent it from being taken by the enemies.

Engineers are rarely seen at the front lines, because constructing their fragile sentries is so time consuming and complex that they have to build them several maps ahead of schedule. It can take up to twenty minutes just to get permission from the county authorities to begin construction.

According to the game lore, the engineer is an ancient man named Dell Collanger, whose hand fell off and was replaced with a robot guitar. He hails from Texas, in South America.

The ideal number of engineers on a team is 3 or 0, but never any other numbers.

Weaponry

SLOT	EQUIPMENT	EXPERT OPINION
Primary		The engineer's default wrench allows him to upload metal into his sentries, dispensers and warp pads. This upgrades them.
Secondary		This special shotgun is a rare item for the engineer. It goes on fire when your sentry explodes and delivers shot after shot of massive damage.
Don't know		This strange device allows your sentry to activate warp drive, making it super strong. Watch out because, when you put this away, your sentry will become noticeably depressed.
Melee?		This item allows the engineer to build sentries, dispensers and warp pads. Without it, you're screwed.

Strategy

The two main strategies for engineers are clustering and retreating. Engineer is a working, thinking man, not an action man. He stays far away from the front lines. To explain the reason why, look at this cumulative time index.

Activity	Cumulative Time Index
Round starts	0 seconds
Engineer leaves spawn	14 seconds
Build location decided	1 minute 12 seconds
Planning permission requested	4 minutes
Sentry placed	7 minutes
Sentry fully upgraded	11 minutes 30 seconds
Dispenser ordered from IKEA	14 minutes
Warp pad built	15 minutes 30 seconds
Dispenser fully upgraded	18 minutes
Warp pad fully upgraded	27 minutes 45 seconds

Considering the massive amount of time required for the engineer to complete his task of building stuff, it's important to build it far enough back that you have a leisurely half hour to get it sorted out. That's why retreating is important. You can't get this stuff done in the thick of action. It's impossible. So if you see any enemies, at any time, destroy everything and fall back.

And clustering is the sacred strategy of grouping together. Build everything in the same place, as close together as you possibly can. Remember the golden rule:

"Strength in numbers"
--Gandhi

Digital Style

The prize of all hats for the engineer is this rare and valuable hat called the 'Full Head of Steam'. You have to earn it by single-handedly winning 137 rounds of cp_foundry in a single life, which, after reading this guide, should not be a challenge.

A rare and special item granted to only the best engineers is called the 'beer and chair'. This allows the engineer to sit back and relax and ponder the way of things in the safety of spawn.

There are also a few different haircuts, including a valuable 'bald' item.

Class guide: Medic

The medic is a German scientist whose interests are healing and the human centipede. He has a shady history involving a missing skeleton, and the morality of his medical experiments is questionable. He is truly the antagonist of the team.

Medic attacks the enemies with a bunch of really useless medical-themed weapons. They're difficult to use and ineffective, which makes the medic more or less a parody of a real class.

The ideal number of medics on the team is 0, because medics are useless.

Weaponry

SLOT	EQUIPMENT	EXPERT OPINION
Primary		Attack fast and hard with these stabby little needles. They're really hard to aim, and they don't do much damage. So you'll feel silly whilst using this.
Secondary		Supplement your primary with more needles. Still silly, still useless.
Melee		This is a bust of your father, Jake Solemn. The medic has been searching over the planet to track down his missing father and also Racer X. Source: Wikipedia

Strategy

The medic has a symbiotic relationship with the heavy. So if you can attach yourself to a heavy using the joiner beam, you can be in your own two-person useless team unit. If there is no heavy to attach to, you'll have to settle with being useless on your own. Either way, you're useless.

When attacking enemies with the syringe gun, you'll need to aim high because the syringes drop under the scientific force of gravity. The amount you'll need to raise your reticle is proportional to how far the enemy is from you. It might sound tricky, but don't worry. You have millions of needles; so you get plenty of time to sort your aim out.

Eventually your needles will annoy the enemy enough that they notice you and kill you. Then you can respawn and repeat the cycle all over again!

Digital Style

There are plenty of medic items, but the majority of players use a special item called a 'blighted beak' to try to dress the medic up as a sexy chicken. It's unknown why the sexy chicken angle is so popular. Research suggests that it's based on a sexy children's cartoon from the 1970s.

There are plenty of other items for the medic, and if medic were a more useful class, that might be interesting. But instead the medic is just a useless, sexy chicken.

Class guide: Sniper

Sniper is a grade-A killing machine. Once snipers are in play, it's game over for the enemy team. They can instantly kill any enemy from any range with just one click.

Imagine the fear rushing through the enemies' minds. They know that the sniper is out there. He can't be bargained with; he can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity or remorse or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

A single sniper, with sufficient skill, is unstoppable. He could single-handedly spawn camp the entire enemy team, lock them down at every turn and dominate everyone. Choosing sniper is a choice for victory.

The only downside to sniper is that the enemy team can also have snipers. Two snipers cancel each other out, so it's vitally important to have more snipers than the enemy so you have the advantage of numbers.

The ideal number of snipers on a team is 6 plus the number of enemy snipers.

Weaponry

SLOT	EQUIPMENT	EXPERT OPINION
Primary		This gun is the one that kills everyone instantly all the time.
Melee		This traditional Aboriginal wooden Frisbee is a dangerous weapon that protects you from close range sneak attacks.

Strategy

First, you must pick a sniping spot. Because you can fight at any range but most enemies can't, I suggest picking a spot that's at the extreme reaches of long range from the battlefield. If you can snipe without leaving spawn, even better.

Once you're in position, start to snipe enemy snipers. Once all enemy snipers are eliminated, begin working on the rest of the enemy team, until enemy snipers respawn. Rinse and repeat.

If you get attacked by a spy at close range, just ignore it. He's just trying to rag on your sweet killstreak.

Digital Style

Sniper has the most MLG loadout and items of all time. The hat that everyone and his/her dog needs is called The Anger, describing the exact emotion your enemies will feel when they see you wearing it.

There are plenty of other miscellaneous items for the sniper, like a bunch of crocodile disguises and old dad jumpers. There are also other hats, but they stopped adding sniper hats after The Angry because they realized that they could never top that.

Class guide: Spy

The spy is a master of disguise and trickery. He is the team's most devious officer, spending hours repeatedly penetrating the enemy team from behind. They won't see him coming. All that they'll feel is his ten inch tool thrusting in to them.

Spies are second only to snipers for pure destructive force. They lay waste to everyone in an instant and can disable and destroy sentries and dispensers with ease. They can turn invisible and strike like a knife in the dark. The only downside is that the spy is 10% more difficult to play than sniper.

If the NSA has taught us anything, it's that large scale spying operations pay off brilliantly for the home team. Befuddle your enemies by swamping them by so many spies that they let their guard down.

The ideal number of spies for a team is 5.

Weaponry

SLOT	EQUIPMENT	EXPERT OPINION
Primary		This kit will make you appear as one of the enemies. You'll blend in, disappear like a fart in the wind. They'll never find you.
Secondary		This watch gives you god mode. Use it with alt-fire (right-click by default).
Melee		Live out your spy fantasies by using the item made famous by 007 in the Austin Powers movies.

Strategy

Spy is a class of finesse and tactics. Sneak behind the enemy lines, avoid everyone and wait for your moment to pounce. And wait. And wait some more. I'll be honest: There's quite a lot of hiding and waiting as spy. When you're ready to attack, drop your disguise, drop all your weapons and run at the enemies with your arms in the air.

Spies work together well. After all, the last thing the enemies would suspect, after being attacked by seven spies in sequence, is another spy. Take their battlefield saturation as a sign of weakness, and surprise them with more spy attacks. There is no limit to this. The more spies that attack, the more unlikely spy attacks will seem to the enemy.

If faced with multiple enemies, try attacking them in priority order of killing the most suspicious players first.

Digital Style

Take one look at that handsome man to your left. Layers of disguise and illusion wash over you, and you're blown away. You probably wouldn't suspect this handsome man, even if he was clearly on the opposite team. There's a point where high fashion meets high class, and this is it.

As the spy is a grandfather -- and that's been canonically proven in the official Team Fortress comic book and VHS cartoon series -- most of his items are jumpers and pipes. If you like jumpers and pipes, you're in luck: Spy is the class for you.

Different Game Modes

If you thought TF2 was a one-trick pony, you're wrong, dead wrong. This pony knows five tricks. It's as good as five one-trick ponies. What I'm trying to say is that different levels have different game modes.

These are:

• Control points
  
• Capture the flag
  
• Protect the VIP Payload
  
• Special delivery
  
• Arena
  
• Highlander

Some modes are popular, and some are not. I advise you to play all the available modes and decide which you like best of all. Then just play that one all the time, and ignore the rest. Remember variety is the spice of life, but also too much spice kills a chef, and every time you say you don't believe in chefs, a chef dies. The moral of the story is insular communities only die through attrition.

Mode guide: Control points

How it works

Control point maps work by starting from a point of endless stalemate and never progressing from there. The are five control points: the outer BLU and RED base control points, which allegedly cap with just a touch; the inner BLU and RED control points, which get attacked from time to time; and the central point, aka The Swapper. The main focus of this mode is the central point, where an endless bickering deathmatch that never ends goes on forever.

To win this mode, simply gain control of all five points. I recommend you start with the central point. You lose if the enemy gains control of all five points, so they will mostly be attacking the central point.

KNOW YOUR MAP: cp_orange_x3

The first map Valve ever created for Team Fortress is called cp_orange_x3. It's a control point map set in the desert, with a main central tower and plenty of sniper spots. I recommend you learn this map if you want to take part in the TF2 competitive scene, as that's the only map they play.

Mode guide: Capture the flag

How it works

Capture the flag is a misnomer. This mode should really be called 'Repeatedly Borrow the Briefcase'. I've started a petition to rename this mode, and if it gets 250,000 signatures, it will have to be discussed in the White House by Barack Obama or whoever the incumbent president is at the time. Here's to hoping!

In this mode you must go to the enemy base, pick up a briefcase, then run back to your base and push the enemy briefcase into your briefcase so the briefcases can kiss.

Okay. Just kidding. That's something you can do, but this mode is actually just deathmatch with snipers. So pick sniper, go to the battlements and start sniping.

KNOW YOUR MAP: ctf_2fort

This map is a classic among team fortress players, with some even claiming that it existed in Team Fortress 1. It is the most popular map in the history of TF2, with 98% of games being played here. It's also the perfect CTF map, which is why it's the only one. Long live 2fort!

Mode guide: Payload

How it works

In this mode, the BLU team must drive a go-kart to the RED base, where it explodes. The RED team have to disenfranchise BLU so they give up and time runs out. This mode is for advanced expert players; so beginners should probably stick to competitive play only.

The go-kart itself looks like (a) a nuke, (b) a wheelbarrow full of missiles, or (c) an electronic shark. All of these behave the same, providing health, ammo and explosions in equal measure.

KNOW YOUR MAP: pl_dustbowl

This map is the classic payload map. It's divided into three 'zones', each one more tactical and devious than the one before it. A lot of people complain that it descends into 'a turtling spamfest', but I don't even know what that means as there is no way to play as a turtle. If you push the kart to the end, it blows up the mummy's tomb and reveals the emperor's gold.

Mode guide: Special delivery

There is a mode called 'special delivery', but sadly it was captured by a wizard in 2014.

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WIZARD

Wanted for the capture of Special Delivery

Any information leading to his apprehension will be rewarded by Valve. Unless we smite this jerk, Special Delivery, the top new game mode, will forever be locked away. Please check your phones, check your Facebook, check everywhere for this wizard. We must catch him.

Mode guide: Arena

How it works

What if you only had one life, one chance to make a difference? How would you use your life? Would you be a hero, rushing into the heat of battle to defend your friends? Or would you be a coward and sacrifice the fight to win the war? In Arena mode, you can do the latter.

Rounds take place in a series of international destinations, where the team fights to the death with no respawning. The winning team is the last person standing, just like in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.

KNOW YOUR MAP: arena_bloodgulch

This map features a lumber mill on stilts in the middle of a box canyon. The player who gains control of the lumber mill can choose what price to sell lumber for and influence the in-game economy.

Chips and Teats

Once you've absorbed all the information above, you'll be an expert in terms of classes, weapons, game modes and maps. But at best, you'll be book smart and not street smart. True skill only comes with a few hours of experience. To aid this process, I'll put in some of my top tips and chimps as a helpful list here. Always respect the words of a master, for some day you may be the master.

• No matter what happens, call a vote scramble.
  
• Always select no in every vote.
  
• If it bleeds, we can kill it.
  
• If someone quits, it's called a "ragequit".
  
• Taunting after a kill is like getting two kills in one.
  
• The most dangerous enemy is an unarmed enemy.
  
• The warp pad can teleport up to five people at once.
  
• It's every man for himself.
  
• When in doubt, hide in spawn.
  
• Rich is skill.
  
• Never trust Europeans.
  
• Trade wins for items and craft success.
  
• Learn to use the console and you write the script of life.
  
• DirectX 8 is a vocation.
  
• Be polite to generous players.
  
• Don't take a loss quietly.
  
• Spawncamping is a VAC bannable offense.
  
• The game is decided instantly by the team's emotions.
  
• Setup time is an illusion, ignore it.
  
• The strongest flank is running directly at the enemy.
  
• The best class to be is the class of the best player.
  
• Class distribution is a communist term.
  
• Joining a team is endorsing it.
  
• Map-breaking glitches are always well received.
  
• Copy what you see in popular youtube videos.
  
• Anyone using voice communication is a narcissist.
  
• Quitting is best done on map change.
  
• Make your team work to your style of play.
  
• A great leader is not necessarily a great player.
  
• Knowledge is the most valuable weapon.
  
• Typing in caps is giving the conversation 110%.
  
• If someone disagrees with you, they are wrong and deserve the worst things in the world.

Good-bye, My Child

If you've read this far, congratulations. You put the 'pro' in 'probably'. You're ready, just like my son, Timothy Aggar, was ready to go out into the world. I stood at the platform, waving to him and yelling, "Good-bye, Timothy Aggar!" as he boarded the train to boarding school. Timothy Aggar came back a man, and you have come back as a battle-hardened soldier. Or sniper, rather, because soldiers are useless. Perhaps you deserve an extra serving of custard after dinner, just like Timothy Aggar gets if he does all his chores.

So good-bye, and I hope you do as well stomping pubs as I have. Maybe we'll meet out there, fighting side by side to crush the noobs. Maybe we'll even meet in real life and get married and rear a son called Timothy Aggar... maybe...

One can only dream.

[Scariest thing ever]

I died at the lime paint in scout melee slot

[MCA]

This is brilliant.

[KeroHazel]

@Portponky: guess I was too distracted by sexy Bill

[Portponky]

KeroHazel it CLEARLY has a brony avatar, an elegant picture of rainbow crash.

[KeroHazel]

This guide is the funniest thing I've read in ages. Not sure if I should be insulted that my current avatar (the sad dinosaur from Braid) was on the suggested avatar list. Meh, I still love it. Also, you should add at least one brony avatar to the list.

[Hotcakes]

I'd say this guide is so amazing it deserves to be the holy scripture for a new religion.

[ItsGern]

I am an MLG pyro after reading this. THANK YOU! CAPS BOOST CONVERSATION BY %110

[144p YouTube Video]

Dankest thing I've ever read.

[Toad Mooks]

*Cough* my TF2 guide is top ATM

[D-maV]

There is a huge flaw in your plan. You put your skill level as "Gabe Newell". For there is no living soul that can be as good as our lord GabeN. Refer to my GabeN bible I made (One of the top TF2 guides <3)