HOW TO BECOME A CS:GO PRO

Spiritual Successor to the "How to be a Original Gangster": Ever wanted to be cool? Want to be apart of the CS:GO craze, but you just don't fit in? This guide will show you the ropes, taking you on a journey of knowledge, explaining how to become the best CS:GO player! Forget practice and all that other useless ♥♥♥♥! Grab your mom's credit card, and OPEN THIS GUIDE UP.

Prelude:

WELCOME UNDERAGED GAMER! I hope you are ready to become the greatest CS:GO player on your block, because this guide can make you just that with a few easy chapters!

This is NOT for the average gamer; this guide is for the best of the best, and by that, I mean the kids who have access to their mommy's discover card! So go take out the trash, and plead to mamma bird!

This guide is ruthless, just like Eazy-E, execpt this is alive! (Inside African-American Hip-Hop Humor) and will teach you everything you need to know about being a complete and utter ♥♥♥♥♥♥ tool pro.

Before Starting:

Before you dive right into a cesspool of retarded man children, and wanabe Esporters, I suggest you take a quick look at what you will need to truly become a CS:GO Pro!

Requirements:

• 13 years or younger
  
• Autism
  
• Atleast 200$
  
• Atleast 0 friends
  
• Ambitions to become worthless
  
• Parents who aren't proud of you

If you have any of these requirements down, you should be fine, since if you have any of these requirements down, you have all of them. Except for the 200 $ thing. ♥♥♥.

You are now ready to learn: HOW TO BECOME A CS:GO PRO

The Basics:

What are the basics?

The basics? You are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ basic if you are asking this. Then again, you are some little ♥♥♥♥ behind your computer presumably between the ages of 8 and 14. ♥♥♥♥ off, seriously.

Anyways, the basics are really simple, and they are the foundation of what you need to know on being a CS:GO PRO.

STOP. THINK. REALIZE.

CS:GO is not an Esport:
So stop pretending you are going to make millions of dollars by shooting pixels (You wont), and wake the ♥♥♥♥ up. Being pro is not about making money, it's about having something to be proud of in your life, since we all know you've got ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ so far.

Here is a comparison between an ACTUAL Esport, and CS:GO.

Esports

CS:GO


CS:GO is not for everyone:
If CS:GO was an Esport, then it would be the lowest of the low, so you would most likely fit in perfectly. With that being said, CS:GO was made for the worthless peasants who can't get a few kills in a row and call in an airstrike. You are the lowest common denominator, and if you aren't, then go play a real game like LoL (Get it? because that game is equally ♥♥♥♥)

Practice makes perfect:
You must live by this term. Take it with you, since Practice will never make you good at this game. If you think downloading a cool Dev_textured map with some fancy buttons and different ranges will help you achieve anything, then you are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ retarded. The bullets and their paths are seriously ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ generated by random numbers. This game is ♥♥♥♥.

CS:GO is for everyone!:
but me.

The Player:

The Player...THE YOU

If you've made it this far, good job. But it's not over yet. This section will go over what you need to know about yourself, in order to truly become a PRO at CS:GO.

The Mentality:
You are no longer the average gamer (I assume you never were), and by that, I mean you are no longer a CASUAL. You play not for the thrill, but for the KILL. There is a specific mentality to keep while playing this horrid piece of ♥♥♥♥ game, and I will guide you to reaching, and securing, said mentality.

• The Oracle
  You know it all. You are that nerd that everyone hates, but now, only 4 people do. You know everything about the game, the tactics, the map, the female, the EVERYTHING. You are practically GOD.
  
  If someone makes a mistake, you better tell them. If you make a mistake, you better deny it. You are the unanimous team captain, and you will guide your team to victory. (if you lose, it's their fault, not yours.)
  
  
• Your Rank
  This is your pride and joy. This is what sets you apart from the other autistic kids. Without your rank, you are nothing, this is why it is important to not only brag about it, but to make others feel inferior. (More on ranks below.)
  
  
• Your Steamwallet:
  Though it may not be fully discussed in this section, the amount of money you (your mom) have (has) will determine whether or not you are actually good at the game. Having money allows you to buy cool skins, that make you look like you've been playing for a long time.
  (More on skins below.)
  
  
• Rage:
  You know that feeling you had when your dad walked out on you? probably not since he was never with you to begin with. If he was, you'd be doing something more productive with your life, like working at Arbys, or going to Smash tournaments.
  
  Anyways, the point is that you need to get MAD. Got killed? Don't brush that off like your parents did to you, but rather, SCREAAAAAMMMM. Make sure everyone in your neighborhood knows you are playing CS:GO. Make sure your team regrets hitting that big ol' [ACCEPT].
  
  
• Paranoia:
  Everyone is a hacker. (Excluding you)
  
  Be sure to make this very clear, by calling ANYONE that kills you in some sort of skillful way, a hacker. That way, they can be reported and banned for being better than you at a video game.

The Appearance:

• Your Name:
  This is the best part of CS:GO. This is the part where you get to truly express your inner lack of any imagination. This is where you can show your age, without even saying a thing. Be sure your name is either extremely edgy, or horribly UNfunny.
  
  Edgey
  
  • Use cool characters to make your name look flashy
    
  • Band Name
    
  • Band Album
    
  • Band Song
    
  • Band Lyric(s)
    
  • Anything like: Dark, Cold, Blood, Silent, Epic, ect...
  UNfunny
  
  • Pepe
    
  • Doge
    
  • My name is (or simply) Jeff
    
  • Name of actual pros
    
  • Name of Porn Stars
  
  Be sure your name falls under any of the categories above, that way, you can be like every other 10 year old who plays CS:GO!
  
  
• Your Avatar:
  http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/pepe-the-frog
  
  Use anything on that specific page, or entire site. it's all cancer, and that's exactly what this community is.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Your Clan:
  Don't embarrass yourself. If you have a serious clan, be sure your friends share it's tag, that way you can all lose in unison, and then disband, as they make fun of you all.
  
  
  
• Your Rank:
  As stated before, this is your pride and joy. THIS IS WHAT MAKES YOU A PRO. Your rank sets you aside from others, who strive to be just like you! Follow this short map, and figure out where you are on the spectrum. Then, figure out where you need to be!
  
  

Your Arsenal:

Now that you know every single aspect of CS:GO, we can move on to the most important aspect of CS:GO. Guns.

What should I buy?

Generally, as a pro, you only want to purchase the most expensive weapon on the list, that takes a huge amount of skill to use, such as standing still, and clicking. I introduce to you...






This super epic gun, is the best, most coolest gun in the game. Using this piece of brilliance will not only win you the game, but it will also make you look like a huge ♥♥♥♥♥♥!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Using the awp is simple:

• Stand still
  
• Right click
  
• Left click when someone into your sight

and that's it! You just got yourself a kill!

How about something else? How about, a secondary? How about...


This gun is horrible, but looks really cool when you twirl it around your finger. Be sure to try your best when using it, and always get headshots! Then you can shout out "juan deag"!!! Hahahha xD








And what loadout is complete without the...








The Meme Bomb, or as normies call it, "GRENADE" is a tool used to throw at an injured person, in order to then yell, and or type (In all chat) "KOBE!!!!!". It's really funny, and epic, so do it all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Use this link to be a homosexual[www.google.com])

Skins:

Skins are epic. They are the real factor that has anything to do with your skill, in fact, nothing else matters. Just buy skins. Skins, as stated before, make it look like you've been around, while in reality, you asked your mommy for her credit card, and bought the coolest looking gun on the market!!!!

Be sure to buy the most expensive knife, and always try to use it, since you are obviously really good with it (Who would spend $100+ dollars on pixels if they couldn't properly use it?)
[TIP: Be sure to buy Stattrack skins. They measure how many women you will never ♥♥♥♥!]

Use this site to find the most expensive items[csgostash.com]

YOU.

The Keyboard and You:

Now that you know the only two weapons you will ever need, we can move on to the big stuff. Keyboard binds are what makes the player a degenerate pro! These binds allow you to quickly (and cleverly) respond to your opponent, making them speechless, and making YOU look EPIC.

First, hit the tilde key, or the thing that looks like your sexuality. This will open up the console command view, which allows you to do all sorts of hacker stuff.

Here, you will type in the following command, followed by any witty remark you can think of, as well as many of the recommended below!

bind f# "say _______"

List of recommended binds:

• Ahahahahha 2ez
  
• LAMO....GET MAD
  
• Yeah ok dude...cool hacks
  
• LAMO!!! Get Shreked KID....
  
• Ok, sure. How the ♥♥♥♥ did you know I where I was you walling ♥♥♥♥♥♥?
  
• XD
  
• Yeah ok dude, reported.
  
• epIc PepE avatar Duuude!!
  
• gg xD
  
• lamo.....get reported kid...

Tips and Tricks:

Here is a list of some pretty useful Tips and Tricks that can help you on your journey.

• Only use Awps
  
• Teamkill at least twice each game
  
• If someone pisses you off, throw the game
  
• If someone is better than you, throw the game
  
• If you die too much, continue to do so, and throw the game
  
• Throw the game
  
• Tell people to buy "Eco", and when they don't, criticize even if they do good. (suck a ♥♥♥♥ ross)
  
• When people tell you to buy "Eco", Don't (suck a ♥♥♥♥ ross)
  
• Yell at your teammates (A lot)
  
• Have a Pepe avatar
  
• If you are losing, Talk about how everyone on your team is trash (suck a ♥♥♥♥ ross)
  
• If the enemy team is losing, Talk about how everyone on their team is trash, and how you are carrying
  
• SCORE AND KILLS MATTER. Unless you don't have the highest of either.
  
• Pressing Q makes you look professional
  
• Deepen your voice, to sound older
  
• Never play casual
  
• Never play any map but dust 2
  
• Obtain tattoo
  
• Uninstall CS:GO

Conclusion:

After reading this entire guide, you know hold the knowledge needed to become a CS:GO Pro. With little practice, plenty of skins, and the mental capacity of an eight year old, ANYONE can become a CS:GO Pro!

I am proud to announce, that you are now a CS:GO PRO!!!






Please spread this guide to those who may need it, to become a Pro just like you!!

Thank you for reading. Now get out there, and be a nuisance to society!

[BLMNBQT]

IAM A PRO NOW!

[SpongeGod]

+rep am now pro

[Lord Damn Dude]

Im surpreme master and i find this really funny to be honest,LOL!

[energeticmouse]

I have funny and I find this Autism.

[huge loser]

This guide helped me to achieve the godlike rank, or as some know it MG1.

[WorNE]

This is kinda hilarious and kinda true for cod
Mate/Author you need this to be cod aw with the EM1 as the AWP and the Shield as the secondary

[Tutu_Unico]

:) and i thought im good, damn myself im a eagle nerd²

[CrImSeN]

and i thought im good, damn myself im a eagle nerd

[Punished Owl]

i folow vary gud! +rep

[blake]

@TheMaGmaCubEd
so having diseases are a positive thing now?