The Witcher 3: Wildly Funny Hunt - A Long, Slightly Useless Guide

So, you’ve decided to dive into The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt, where you’ll embody Geralt of Rivia, a brooding mutant monster slayer with a soft spot for coin, sarcasm, and romantic escapades. This guide will help you survive the Continent, whether you’re slicing monsters, making dubious choices, or chasing Yennefer like a hormonal teenager.

Chapter 1: Who is Geralt, and Why Does He Look So Tired?

Geralt of Rivia, aka the White Wolf, aka “that grumpy guy with the two swords,” is your protagonist. He hunts monsters for a living and navigates a world where everyone either wants to kill him, sleep with him, or hire him (sometimes all three).

Why is he so tired?

1. Constantly running errands for peasants.


2. Having to choose between Yennefer and Triss.


3. Roach’s refusal to spawn in the correct location.

Chapter 2: Getting Started – Or, How Not to Die in the First 10 Minutes

The game starts with Geralt chilling in Kaer Morhen, reminiscing about Yennefer’s perfume. Fast forward to the tutorial, where Vesemir tries to teach you how to fight. Ignore him—you’ll button-mash your way to victory later anyway.

Pro Tips for Beginners:

Loot Everything: If it’s not nailed down, it’s yours. Who cares if it’s just a rusty spoon?

Talk to Everyone: Peasants might give you quests or insult your haircut. Either way, it’s entertainment.

Save Constantly: Autosave is great, but it won’t help when you accidentally punch a guard and trigger a city-wide brawl.

Chapter 3: Mastering Combat – Or, How to Flail Gracefully

Combat in The Witcher 3 is all about timing, dodging, and looking cool while you flail your swords around. Geralt has two swords:

Steel Sword: For humans, wolves, and bandits who think they’re tough.

Silver Sword: For monsters, ghosts, and your ex’s emotional baggage.


Pro Tips:

Signs: Use Igni to set enemies on fire and Axii to mind-control them. If nothing else, it’s hilarious.

Roll, Don’t Block: Blocking is for cowards. Rolling is for cowards who look stylish.

Gwent, Not Combat: When in doubt, challenge your enemy to a Gwent match instead. Monsters suck at cards.

Chapter 4: Roach – The Real MVP (Most Vexing Partner)

Roach, Geralt’s trusty horse, is as loyal as they come. Unfortunately, she’s also a little… quirky.

Roach’s Special Abilities:

1. Spawning on rooftops.


2. Getting stuck on fences.


3. Refusing to run when you need her most.




Pro Tips for Roach Management:

Whistle often. It won’t help, but it’s funny.

Accept that Roach is her own boss. If she decides to moonwalk through a cutscene, let her.

Chapter 5: Quests – Because Killing Monsters Doesn’t Pay Enough

Geralt’s life is a never-ending string of side quests, main quests, and things you’ll completely forget to do because you got distracted by a random merchant.

Main Quest

Find Ciri, your adopted daughter, who is somehow always one step ahead of you. Expect lots of "She was just here!" moments and plenty of people asking you to do favors before they’ll help you.

Side Quests

These range from helping a peasant find their frying pan to solving existential crises for ghosts. Pro tip: Side quests often have better stories than the main quest.

Witcher Contracts

Get paid to kill monsters. Warning: You’ll spend more time haggling over the reward than fighting the monster.

Fun Quests You Shouldn’t Miss:

Helping a goat named Princess.

Participating in a drunk Witcher karaoke night.

Playing matchmaker for trolls.

Chapter 6: Gwent – The True Wild Hunt

Forget saving the world. Your real goal is to become the Gwent champion of the Continent. Gwent is a card game so addictive, you’ll forget you’re supposed to be looking for Ciri.

Pro Tips for Gwent Domination:

1. Buy Every Card: Even if it means selling your swords. Who needs weapons when you have a killer Gwent deck?


2. Spam Spies: Play spy cards to draw more cards. It’s like cheating, but legal.


3. Trash Talk: Say things like “You’re playing Northern Realms? Cute.”

Chapter 7: Romance – Because Monster Slaying Gets Lonely

Geralt is a ladies’ man, and The Witcher 3 gives you plenty of opportunities to romance—or ruin—your love life.

Yennefer

The love of Geralt’s life (allegedly). She’s smart, sarcastic, and has a thing for unicorns. Choose her if you enjoy intellectual debates and the occasional scolding.

Triss

The sweet, red-haired sorceress who always has Geralt’s back (and occasionally his front). Choose her if you want fewer arguments and more sunshine.

Others

Random tavern maidens, sorceresses, and possibly a vampire. Remember: Geralt’s motto is “When in Toussaint...”

Pro Tip: Trying to romance both Yennefer and Triss will lead to the infamous “Three’s Company” quest, which ends with you alone and humiliated. Don’t do it. Or do it for the laughs.

Chapter 8: Exploring the Continent – Or, How to Get Distracted

The Continent is massive, full of monsters, treasures, and things that will kill you in two hits.

Novigrad: Big city, lots of crime, and people who will rob you blind.

Skellige: Viking islands full of drunk warriors and terrible weather.

Toussaint (DLC): Wine, knights, and fancy pants. It’s basically a medieval Napa Valley.


Pro Tips:

Swim often. Not for treasure, but to watch Geralt flop around like an awkward seal.

Ignore level recommendations. What’s life without a few instant deaths?

Chapter 9: Making Choices – And Immediately Regretting Them

The Witcher 3 is full of morally ambiguous choices. No matter what you pick, someone’s going to be mad at you.

Save the villagers or take the money? Take the money. You’re broke.

Kill the monster or let it live? Let it live—unless it’s ugly.

Who to side with in political conflicts? Flip a coin. It’s all going to end badly anyway.

Epilogue: Embrace the Chaos

The Witcher 3 isn’t just a game—it’s an experience. From slaying griffins to arguing with peasants over 5 crowns, every moment is memorable. Whether you’re chasing Ciri, collecting Gwent cards, or trying to romance every sorceress in sight, remember: the real wild hunt was the friends (and enemies) you made along the way.

Good luck, Witcher. May your swords stay sharp, your Gwent deck unbeatable, and your Roach less glitchy.

[Տᴘɪᴅᴇʀ_Fᴜʀʏ⚡]

Tnx a lot.

[Kinkaku]

Bro this SHIT IS FIRE and Funny as fuck keep the work

[Տᴘɪᴅᴇʀ_Fᴜʀʏ⚡]

Glad to hear that bro 😀

[Thor'sHammer]

Thanks for this, read just before launching for the first time. Had a REALLY bad night, read this while nursing my 1st coffee. Nearly sprayed said coffee multiple times.

Read it to my Wife, who's in the next room. Knew it was funny when you had HER giggle, she NOT a morning person!

Thanks again for making my morning better! Now I have to go learn how to cheat at Gwent! Cheers!