Boss strategies for professional noitas

There will be spoilers, obviously. I will not be giving a guide on Kolmisilmä since he's actually fairly easy and also it'll take far too long giving a guide for each obtainable orb level.

Kolmisilman koipi/Pyramid Boss

Koipi is a pushover of a boss. He has four attacks: Spawning two minions which are STUPID and snipe me every single time regardless, opening his shell and doing one of two attacks: firing a bunch of projectiles that spiral out, firing one large homing projectile, and poking you with his spider leggy if you're too close. None of these attacks do major damage, and are fairly easy to dodge. The absolutely easiest way to kill him is plasma, as usually he is invulnerable unless he is doing a projectile attack, but plasma bypasses his shield, and can be found pretty much anywhere, even in the mines. Without that, however, really anything can kill him if you can dodge well enough. Fire damage, however, can work quite well as he is vulnerable to fire. Note that projectiles can bounce off his shield even if he is open, and the only way to actually damage him is by attacking the fleshy center.
His drops are:
- One Hiisi Base-tier wand
- Four "Random ___" spells and possibly Nolla
- one Extra HP

Ylialkemisti/Alchemist Boss

Ylialkemisti is probably one of the first bosses one may encounter other than the pyramid boss. He has one fairly basic attack: he will shoot a purple projectile that spawns three spectral wands that fire one of four spells: Meteor, Lightning Bolt, three Pinpoints of Light, or 4 unique purple spells. He has a shield (that is STUPID) that catches and throws projectiles back at you, but every 10 seconds he puts it down. Only problem is, if you deal at least 50 damage, he puts it up IMMEDIATELY. So there are two real ways to kill him: a very high damage trigger wand, or any "personal thrower" spells. The trigger wand is self-explanatory, if you can deal a lot of damage to him with one shot, you can easily take him down. Electric damage works best, as it's the only one he's not resistent to. The throwers, on the other hand, are a bit more unorthodox, but CAN work if you REALLY REALLY want those fantastic greek letter spells, but make sure you have some sort of tunnel to run away once you hit him. If, however, you're fairly short on resources, there are two spells that will pretty consistently one-shot him: piercing shot on... prickly spore pod. The spore pod will contact him every frame, summoming a mushroom every frame as a result, with each dealing around 120 damage (assuming all spores hit), he will very consistently be killed in seconds.
Pictured below. Note he has two shields up because I hit him with multiple projectiles at the same time.

Upon death he'll drop:
- The Crystal Key (for divide-by spells)
- Four Greek Letter spells and (rarely) Wand Refresh

Suomuhauki/Dragon Boss

Suomuhauki is another candidate for the first boss one can encounter. It's also probably the easiest boss to find, as he's literally to the right of the jungle. He has three attacks: fire breath (self explanatory), six slow projectiles from its tail, and, of course, a bite. BE WARNED: the bite deals over 3,000 DPS, NOT solid damage like other worm enemies. Without melee immunity, this fight can extremely dangerous due to the bite attack. However, really anything can kill him, as he doesn't have many major resistances. The absolute best way to kill him is by any freeze attack and kicking. Freezing gaze, circle of stillness, or freeze charge plus a kick or tentacle will INSTANTLY kill him.
His drops are:
- One max HP
- A random jungle-tier wand
- Any "___ orbit" spell

Gate Guardian (Veska, Seula, Molari, and Mokke)

The Gate Guardian is a very unique boss. It's not a traditional boss, but rather 4 different pieces. It doesn't really have any attacks, it's only "attack" is relentlessly chasing you with an aura that deals curse damage. The absolute best way to kill this boss is any matter erasing spell in general, as each piece of Gate Guardian are technically physics objects. BUT, if you kill him this way, it's very likely you won't get the progress, as you're basically just destroying physics objects. Explosion or slice damage can both do really well, so a good explosion or chainsaw wand can easily kill each piece.
All 4 pieces drop the following:
- 2-300 gold
- ANY unlocked spell (except for area-specific spells, like rainbow trail)
Sidenote: Matosade will instantly kill all pieces of Gate Guardian, but, as mentioned earlier, you are most definitely not getting the progress entries from killing them like this.

Sauvojen Tuntija/Wand Connoisseur

Ah, the wand connoisseur, pit boss, chasm boss, Squidward, whatever you call him. He's probably the first boss many players encounter, but not intentionally. He has probably some of the most dangerous attacks of any boss out there, including homing polymorph shots. His attacks are primarily shooting a variety of spells out of wands and 8 homing projectiles that can either blind, polymorph, or give you teleportitis. Whenever he is hit, he will put up a shield for about a second, and is VERY tanky, so this will be a difficult fight; except for he has one very, major weakness: Any spell that can deal self damage. The only efficient way to kill him is aforementioned self damaging spells, particularly plasma or omega sawblades. Plasma is a very great way to kill him, however it can be awkward to hit him with without a timer. As for omega sawblade, PLEASE make sure have Proj. Repulsion field or teleports so you can actually avoid the sawblade's self-homing after and not be cut into purple spaghetti noodles. You can also kill him with Giga sawblade, but only if you're really confident that you won't be liquefied in doing so.

Squidward drops:
- One extra HP
- Matosade and Meteorisade (please don't put omega on them like me)
- One high-tier wand

Mestarien Mestari/Master of Masters

A bit more of a hidden boss, but a very potentially dangerous boss. He is pretty hard to find, as he's tucked away in the far lower right edge of the map, but his drops are definitely worth it. He has three different phases, each of which have some sort of quirk. In phase 1, he has four purple orbs that rotate around him that each need to be killed to make him vulnerable. After that, he has a variety of attacks, which are the following:
- A duplicating phasing projectile
- A volley of VERY dangerous magical projectiles (including polymorph shots!)
- Summoning a random mage enemy
- Inflicting you with a random magical debuff (except polymorphing, but including nullifying your wands)
In phase 2, his helmet comes off, giving him one more attack, which is throwing an easily dodgeable tentacle attack at you that I haven't even seen last time I fought him (but I might just be too good at the game, please ignore my 536 deaths). After that, his head explodes, and he will relentlessly chase you while throwing tentacles all over the place, which can be very dangerous without melee immunity. NOTE: throughout the fight, he also has 4 red orbs that will damage YOU for the amount you damage them, so an accurate wand that doesn't make any large explosions is recommended. As for strategies, any accurate wand that doesn't explode is good, but if you really want to cheese him, sea of acid will kill him before he can even see you, assuming you're above the arena. If you're using an actual wand to kill him, however, he can only be hurt by shooting his head, as his body deletes projectiles.
He drops:
- The four "Add ___" spells
- The supremely powerful Sauvan Ydin (edit wands anywhere!)

Limatoukka/Tiny

If you don't have melee immunity, basically don't even fight this guy. You WILL die instantly. By far the largest enemy in the game, Tiny has a bite that deals... a lot of damage, as well as shooting homing projectiles, but honestly those aren't nearly as bad as that bite, especially considering how big he is. For wands, he is completely immune to projectile and explosion damage, so thunder damage from thunder charge or lightning, for example, work really well. Just two thunder charges with piercing shot is enough to kill him, as well as slice damage from omega sawblade, but do note that using slice damage will make him bleed more, and he bleeds extremely dangerous ominous liquid.
NOTE: In the main branch, he is far below the desert chasm, but in beta, he is in the eastern meat realm.
He drops:
- TWO Max HPs
- Two wands, one Temple-tier and one a rare Tier-10 wand (Only way to find this!)
- One Full Heal (Doesn't work in beta unless you beat another boss)

Kolmisilman Sydän/Meatball

This is the other boss mentioned in Tiny's part. He is found in the western meat realm, and does a little special thing when you kill him. Despite the similarity in appearance to pyramid boy, he actually closes his eye when he's attacking, rather than the other way around; but like him, he will also poke you if you're too close. Another thing that is different is that when he's vulnerable, he has a strong projectile repelling field, but this can be overcome very easily by using one modifier: Short range homing. He has only one attack, and that is a volley of 7-8 homing pus balls, which can be destroyed and also move pretty slow, but when they expire, they release a bunch of poisonous pus. Unlike a lot of other bosses, he actually takes zero electric damage, but he is weak to both fire and slice damage, so either of those can kill him VERY easily. Of course you could also go the route of freezing him and kicking him to death, but that's only for ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.
He drops(?) Two things:
- The Saha/chainsaw Wand
- Lifting the curse of the Meat realm, so you can heal there now (please help me this is taking forever and I still have like 5 bosses to go)

Unohdettu/The Forgotten

I actually almost forgot to include this guy, ironically enough. His main quirk is he and his minions are only tangible if you drop the Paha Silmä nearby, just note that there is only one of those in the world, and unless you get really lucky with chests, you ain't getting that back. He only has a few attacks, but the main hazard in this boss fight (aside from what I'll get to in a little bit) is the enemies aside from him, namely the two regeneration crystals and haamukivi, which will heal the boss and spawn intagible ghost enemies, respectively, which should be killed ASAP before actually getting to the boss. Now, DO NOT, I will say it again, DO. NOT. use rapid fire wands against him, you will be ♥♥♥♥♥♥. He has an attack known as "revenge plasma" which scales in both damage AND area whenever he takes damage, which could scale to cover the entire arena and deal hundreds of damage per. pixel. So really high damage single shot wands work best on him, just know he is completely immune to projectiles and resistant to most other things, except electric damage, most notably. As with Tiny, piercing thunder charges can utterly destroy him, or you can go the FuryForged route and kill him with crushing damage from earthquakes, which deal a lot of damage to him, ironically enough.
He drops two things:
- One Full Heal
- the Auringonsiemen (start of sun quest)
(i hurt)

Tapion Vasalli/Deer Boss

Found on the lake island, the Deer boss only spawns if you have killed at least 30 harmless animals, excluding fish. His health and damage also scale depending on how many animals you have killed, and while his health caps at around 50,000, his damage, doesn't. He has three attacks, one is a projectile that boomerangs back at it and moves fairly slowly, but will deal HALF of your HP on hit. His second one are a few ghosts that deal too much curse damage, which orbit around him. His third is reflection damage whenever, however, and whoever you damage him, oh, and it scales. For strategy? Ambrosia. Just use ambrosia. Sure, yeah, you can say that for anything else, but for this guy it's basically the ONLY way to kill him. Or, if for whatever possible reason, you can't find ambrosia, lots of healing can work too, but basically only with Circle of Vigour since healing bolt does not heal a lot.
He drops:
- A handful of gold, depending on animals killed
- Muodonmuutos spell

Syvaolento/ Lake Boss

This guy is immune to almost everything, and everything else he'll only take fractions of damage from. One of these is slice damage, so a lot of Omega sawblades can work, but there is a better strategy: weakening curses. In the Beta, he will NOT be affected by projectile curse, but any other one works. There isn't particularly a "best", but the worst is probably Melee, due to their only being like 3 spells that deal melee damage. Electricity weakening curse is probably best, due to all of the electric spells dealing a ton of damage, plus, if you're fighting this guy, you probanly should have all immunities.
He drops:
- One Great Treasure chest
- One Full heal
- A portal to the fast travel room

Kolmisilman Silmä/ Mecha Kolmi

Piercing thunder charge.
(He also drops spatial awareness perk)

Toveri/ Friend

This is probably one of the scariest bosses in the game. It's hideout can be found in completely random locations around the world, with gourds scattered along the bottom. Toveri will MESS. YOU. UP. if you are not careful: killing just one tiny friend will cause a chain reaction with the others that'll probably end with your swift death via green blob. Upon at least one tinyveri dying, it's health will double and its seed attack will turn into an almost undodgeably fast projectile. For killing, just try not to kill a tiny friend and use really anything to kill big friend. If he's beefed up, though, he does take venomous curse damage, so a rapidly damaging venomous curse wand can kill him in a pinch, or weakening curses will work as well.
He drops nothing.

Kivi/ Sky Boss

The newest boss on the beta branch, the Kivi is literally just a rock. Yes, it's just a rock that rolls around aimlessly. It comes with a few quirks, however, the first being a field that continuously stains you with the water stain, thus immediately washing off ambrosia. The reason I mention this is because of its... other attack, which is unavoidable reflection damage. Remember, ambrosia does NOT work in this fight, and it has the same health as you, so it's almost certainly a death sentence. After experimenting with how to survive this guy, I found that extra life and saving grace can actually work, however, be extra sure to have some source of healing because, well, I wouldn't want to be stuck at 1 health if I were you.
On death, he summons three Kummitus/player ghosts, with as much health as you have.
For strategy, really anything can hit it (because it's literally a rock), but do remember that reflection damage. Upon testing, I also found out he NO LONGER counts as a physics object, so black hole will not do anything, aside from possibly dropping him out of the temple and dropping him into the desert. Also, please remember that he spawns three ghosts, which, if you're like me and regularly make extremely powerful wands, can be very dangerous.

Conclusion

I kinda forgot about this guide for a little while. However, I'm going on a pretty good long run currently, so as soon as possible I'll try adding images of each boss. This took a long time to write, as most of it is from my experience with these bosses. I will probably update this whenever I discover new strategies or the game adds new bosses. To thise who read to the end, good luck and happy noiting. Shoutouts to:
- Furyforged on Youtube, for giving out some good tips for these bosses I still use fairly frequently
- The Noita Wiki for giving me a lot of information for this guide
- My brain for sending neuron signals to my thumbs to type this
- Nolla Games for making my favorite game

[Prodeses]

Nice guide fella. You have gotten far.

By the way, Gate keeper actually has names. Mokke, Veska, Seula and Molari. All nicknames for ice hockey goal keeper. Seula is mockery name for really bad keeper who let's all the pucks in.

[SLiM]

interesting choice for a guide picture lol

[XeniFox]

really good guide :)

[Alpha Smell]

nicely done. i wonder if we find any other way to get through deer boss besides ambriosa or being deeply, very deeply into a god run (stacking perks beyond omni-potence)