[Up to date at last] Rating every glyphid in the game by its rizz

Rock and Stone brother! i need to ask you a question. Did you ever had a thought "hmm i wonder if this bug pulls hoes" before murdering your 100th Grunt? did you ever got that look from a Praetorian that made you blush immediately? Well if you're looking for answers that's what i'll be doing today so sit down, get yourself some blackout stout and relax as i'll be rating every glyphid by it's rizz.

Spawn and Swarmer

Considering that both are essentially children we will not dwell long on that one, as to be expected of course. Spawns are fresh out of brood nexus. Their first instinct is to kill you obviously because everything on this damn planet appears to have this intention from the start, and so if Spawns are newborns of the Glyphid then Swarmers are children. Still not having any romantic interaction in mind, and still wanting to rip your flesh out of your bones.

Verdict:

Children

Rizz-Rating:
0/10

Exploder

Exploder is a straight-forward guy. He is the type that sees you sitting alone in the bar and just approaches. He is sure he has the game, he thinks he has a plan but then when he finally gets to you he gets stunned with your dwarven beauty and sex-appeal of an alcoholic. The composure is lost, the marbles are dropped, he fumbles the bag. Poor guy simply panics and then does his usual thing, leaving you confused forever on what just occurred.

Verdict:

He is pretty chill if you get to know him

Rizz-Rating:
4/10

Web and Acid Spitters

The most annoying guys at the bar, they are the type that send you a drink and then look at you like dumbasses for 7 minutes waiting for you to come to them. Acid Spitter is the one that sends you the most expensive drink that is available while Web Spitter sends you vodka with gatorade. The best part is when you decide to come to them for some reason they just keep staring at you in shock because that was as far as their plan actually went.

Verdict:

As boring and uninteresting as they get

Rizz-Rating:
2/10

Grunt

Imagine the most basic looking white guy. Yup, that's him. Looks fine, wears nice clothes, but then approaches you and first thing he asks is what's your rank on league, then shows you a meme on tik tok and after that invites you to his place to smoke a blunt. There might be a moment of clarity though. If you laugh at his tik tok but never comment on it and say you never played league you will unlock his special rizz potential as he now has to improvise and you will learn that he's very good at it.

Verdict:

Will leave if you say your rank is below plat

Rizz-Rating:
6/10

Slasher

This one knows what he's doing. He's the first one to approach you, and then he asks you the same question he asks everyone else as it has always worked. He holds you in one place for a long time and keeps the conversation going, but in reality he has no intention of actually asking you out so don't count on it.

Verdict:

He is a little confused, but he's got the spirit

Rizz-Rating:
7/10

Guard

This one is truly a scientific marvel. It's that type of guy who approaches you, asks you the basic questions and then he decides to play hard to get as if you were the one that came to him. He will not let his guard down and fully expects you to play into the scenario he created for himself, even then if you get tired of him and leave he will chase you down again and repeat the process. Maybe somewhere along the way he will change his attitude but you shouldn't expect it.

Verdict:

Boring personality, not even worth trying

Rizz-Rating:
3/10

Septic Spreader

This one is as enigmatic as they come. A distant cousin of the Acid Spitter. Will send you some drinks but will never actually make any effort for you to notice him, he'll just keep sending you drinks for no apparent reason other than for you to be extremely confused. Even if you were to notice him, he will escape immediately or even just change seats to one that you can't see and will keep sending you drinks anyway and only leave when you manage to chase him away.

Verdict:

No idea

Rizz-Rating:
1/10

Sentinel

Nothing will come from this one. This one already has it's queen and will not even look at you with any other intention than doing it's job, which on Hoxxes is killing you of course. A shame obviously as this one is pretty good looking but you should probably move on to something else.

Verdict:

Taken

Rizz-Rating:
0/10

Stingtail

The most annoying one you can find. He's the type of guy that will pull you into a very uncomfortable situation just to confuse you and take advantage of that. By himself he's not worth alot but when his friends are around he becomes the most talkative one. One on one with him is just straight up silence and you should avoid it at any cost which of course means that he's not worth alot while his friends are not around.

Verdict:

If you're not planning a polyamorous relationship you should stay away

Rizz-Rating:
2/10

Stalker

Name would be self-explanatory. It's really hard to make an argument in its defense, frankly the most disturbing thing about it is how bad its game is. Lurks in the shadow and keeps watching you for the whole time you're at the bar, and only makes its approach after you've let your guard down and expect it the least. Of course, there is an inherently tragic problem with it, and it's that as soon as you become aware of its presence it immediately retreats to its safe space, therefore having absolutely zero chances of having a conversation with you.

Verdict:

You will never get to talk to it, and you're probably better off.

Rizz-Rating:
1/10

Menace

Remember when they said "if he bullies you that means he likes you"? That's the guy. A annoying bastard who will do everything to get your attention and hide it under the mask of doing it out of spite. He will run away after being noticed but if you won't actively search for him, he will try to get your attention again. Best dealt with a good slap to their face so they can remember where they belong. If you for some reason will try to play into their little stupid game they will just straight up get confused and lose their composure.

Verdict:

Annoying before getting to know them and still annoying after

Rizz-Rating:
1/10

Praetorian

He is the drunkest guy around, he saw you and in his eyes you're basically the most godly creature around. He will try to approach you VERY SLOWLY, might even puke somewhere along the way. He reeks of alcohol and and the stench of his vomit follows him everywhere. YOU CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN. He will puke on you because in this state he's basically only good for that. You're better off playing league with Grunt.

Verdict:

He's alright when not drunk, which is never

Rizz-Rating:
0/10

Warden

This one has the best game you've ever seen. Scenario goes like this, First he gives you that bombastic side-eye, then hits you with the best lightskin stare you've ever seen, after that he begins to approach you, not over-confidently but still fast enough to get your heart racing. All the other dwarves are looking at him, but he's looking at you. You are the one he wants and when he finally gets to you it might as well be over. The conversation is smooth, when he compliments your beard you get visibly flustered, you feel beautiful when he's around. Your right hand at your beer mug gets instantly sweaty, your left hand holding your pickaxe is visibly trembling. His soft spoken words take every pain of this world away, you can't fight it, you don't want to. Even if you did, the truth is he has won before you even started the game.

Verdict:

For this night he is yours and you are his

Rizz-Rating:
9/10

Oppressor

Incredibly strong, very well built, and a soft butt, that's Oppressor. He has no game because he doesn't need one, you have noticed him before he noticed you. He fully expects you to make the first move but if you don't, don't worry, he will get to you shortly. He's also the type of a guy that truly believes he can get everything he wants, and you better be ready for him when he comes because he will do his usual thing. Although he has a very short temper and you should watch out for that, like have you seen the size of this thing?

Verdict:

Will throw a temper-tantrum if you refuse, but is very cool if you get to know him

Rizz-Rating:
7/10

Brood Nexus

Huh? It's a Glyphid? Why does it look like that? I mean sure it's the Spawns mother, but also appears to be ambisexual? I think? How does it even get created? If it needs a partner then what is it? Don't Glyphids hatch from eggs? What? i actually have no idea.

Verdict:

None

Rizz-Rating:
0/10 i think?

Bulk Detonators

The deadly trio is here to steal your heart. Even though they are barely ever seen together all at once, everyone knows of the Bulk Detonator and his brothers, and every one of them has the same approach when trying to rizz you up. They come to you, shoot their shot and plan accordingly from there. What is different about them is how they react if you refuse their advances. Bulk will straight up try to kill you, which is a red flag if you didn't knew that yet, Crassus will start throwing money at you in a desperate attempt at winning you over and Unknown Horror simply refuses to take no as an answer and will still follow you around until you manage to get away from him.

Verdict:

Boring if you accept, Toxic if you refuse

Rizz-Rating:
3/10

Dreadnoughts

There is no rizz to be found here. Even though they appear mature and even closely resemble Oppressor in the body mass aspect, most of the time you meet them they will be like 13 seconds old, and that means there is only a single thought going through their minds and it is to kill your goofy ass for waking them up early.

Verdict:

Very cranky, very deadly also children i think?

Rizz-Rating:
0/10

Steeve

A keeper. You have found yourselves in the most difficult of scenarios. Love at first sight all while there was a war happening between your people. His Perfect smile, your sexy beard, It was meant to be, and yet even when you both know there will not be a happy ending you go for it. Steeve joins your side, betrays his kind, just so he can spend his last moments with a true love of his life, and when the time comes for his ultimate sacrifice you better be ready to stand next to him in his last moments, and cherish the memory long after.

Verdict:

The most loyal they can get, i miss you Steeve

Rizz-Rating:
10/10

Before you leave

I'm sorry, I mean thanks for reading my unfunny slop. I would greatly appreciate your support if you want to see more unfunny meme guides with a sense of humor worthy of a carrot, and if you liked this one I can go ahead and see some other things that, i I made, and even if it's not a lot right now i do enjoy goofing on the internet so do expect more. Also, note that English is not my first language and it's 3 am, which makes me extremely sleep deprived, so please, if you see any grammatical errors that really annoy you, just let me know.

I really miss Steeve

thanks y'all

Edit: Stalker, Septic Spreader, and Stingtail added! IT ONLY TOOK ME 7 MONTHS!!!!

[YouKnowWhoGamerTV]

I the nexus supposed to a parasitic organism pretending to be glyphid-adjacent for protection? That's always been what I thought

[Saxton Hale "real"]

Nice I think?

[festeringjester]

i dont think the brood nexus is even a glyphid

[Guciokk]

:)

[Ark]

(as in wtf did i just read)

[Guciokk]

:(

[Ark]

im going to rock and smurder you

[LegoTrainDriver]

[LegoTrainDriver]

steeve

[Ancient Demon]

looking forward to seeing you cook