How to actually play engineer: the guide you never knew you needed

Hey and welcome to my guide!
In this guide I will help you to get good at engineer. In this guide I will show you what you have done wrong as an engineer, and what you should do instead. You might think you don't need it, but you do. Take my word for it.
After reading my guide I can guarantee you will be MVP after every round, with top score and highest killstreak. Prepare yourself to trashtalk the tryhards on the enemy team who have always been dominating you before! After reading my guide you will be able to dominate them till the point they either ragequit the game, or call you a hacker!

You will turn into a literal engineer god after reading my guide!

Introduction

Hello and thanks for clicking on my guide!
First of all I have got a few questions for you.

Is this you?
Are you sick and tired of those annoying soldiers destroying your turret complex?
Are you clueless on how to properly play engineer?
Does your self esteem drop every time you play engineer in a Team Fortress 2 match?

Is this your average facial expression when you find yourself playing a match of casual Team Fortress 2?

Don't be ashamed if you answered yes to any of these questions! Once upon a time, I felt the same as you did. I used to be a clueless engineer, and reaching the top of the scoreboard was far beyond my wildest dreams. I'd get dominated in every server by even the worst of players I had ever met. My self confidence dropped so low I started deleting my hats and strange shotgun and pistol as I was convinced I wasn't worthy enough to own items such as these.

I considered myself to be a hopeless case, but then I discovered the secret system of how to get good at engineer!

To give you an example, this is me now!

I have become a god-tier Team Fortress 2 engineer, and in this guide, I'll show you how you can become as good as me.

It's important to not question my advise, if you really want to get where I am at now, it will take a lot of effort. Not letting go of what you think is good, will only cause you to be stuck on the bottom of the scoreboard. If you truly have had enough of that, you're willing to do what it takes to reach improvement!

Enough hyping up for my guide, you are now ready to proceed to read my guide.

Section one: misconceptions

Many of you reading this guide might think they know what the class engineer is all about. I'm here to clear your mind regarding the information you think to posses about the engineer. Dismiss all the things you know about engineer before proceeding into this guide, being ignorant and sticking to the skills you think to have won't help you get to the top of the scoreboard.

Don't get me wrong, you thinking that you know how to play the class engineer is not your fault! Valve is known for spreading fake information about their games. Don't listen to anything they say!
Your first step would be to block steam on facebook and google+, only then you can proceed into this guide.

I'll now show you an example of how steam is spreading fake information, thus keeping you from playing the game like you should.

If you look very closely at the image above, you can see the 3 statements the game gives you about the engineer. A true professional engineer would see beyond the lies in the imagery.
For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, let me explain it to you.


"Collect metal from fallen weapons to build with!"
Every engineer main knows this statement to be untrue and very inefficient. It will take you FOREVER to collect enough metal in order to construct a building! No, you shouldn't be selflessness and pick up metal from the ground?! YOU are the engineer. You are the MOST important player of your team. Without your efforts as an engineer your team will automatically lose and the enemy team WILL dominate you.

What you should do is find another engineer, wait for him to build a dispenser, and then use the metal he is producing.





Actually, most pro Team Fortress 2 engineers think that building your own dispenser is a really flawed strategy due to the sounds it makes. It's a widely known fact that spies are attracted to the sound dispensers make. Making a dispenser could attract up to 12 enemy spies wanting to mate. Therefore, Team Fortress 2 veterans will always advise you not to build your own dispenser.

And about picking up ammo packs from the ground, actually picking up ammo packs from the ground is NOT advised at all! Those ammo packs belong to the default spy who just installed the game and does not know how to disguise so he uses his revolver only.


"Build sentry guns to defend your base! Upgrade them to level 3!"
If you ask a pro Team Fortress 2 engineer about what sentry gun is best for defending, he'd tell you to use a mini sentry. Mini sentries are a great upgrade for the engineer and they really change the game. Their revolutionary complex design makes it possible for you to outgun every player in the pub. Ubered Heavies? No problem! Heavies are actually very fearful of small complex buildings. The smaller the building, the more afraid Heavy becomes! Therefore, a level 3 sentry is completely useless against heavies, since level 3 sentries are the biggest constructions you can construct as an engineer. The smaller the building, the greater Heavy's anxiety becomes. Exploit his anxiety by deploying a mini sentry!


Here is evidence of a mini sentry engineer winning the game!


"Build teleporters to help teammates get to the front lines!"
There is so much wrong with this line, I almost feel insulted by the game that they think I'd ever believe in this very unintelligent and incorrect statement.
Since helping your team is the least of your priority as an engineer, you should be using your teleporters for farming points obviously. You wanted to get to the top of the scoreboard right?
"BUT FAKS HOW DO I FARM POINTS WITH A TELEPORTER????????????"
Don't worry, little one, I've got you covered. Make a teletrap! This awesome device is a score generator, actually, it's statistically proven that the higher your teleporter level, the more points you'll get. A fun fact about teletraps is that they helped the US recover from the great depression back in 1934.


Make sure to always upgrade your teleporter trap to level 3 before you do anything else!

This leads me on to my next point, the chronological order of how you should be building your nest!
Most Team Fortress 2 players also think that it's wise to first build a sentry, dispenser and then your teleporters. Don't be fooled. Start off by deploying a teletrap. Always make sure there's a friendly engineer near you, who's ammo you can use. After you're done upgrading your teleporter to level 3, you could practically deploy a minisentry. Just never EVER build your own dispenser. You don't want to attract those enemy spies!
It's best for you and your team to not build a dispenser.


Other common engineer misconceptions

• The engineer is a team player
  
• The engineer is a class designed for defense
  
• You should rely on your buildings rather then your primary weapon
  
• The eureka effect is a bad wrench
  
• The wrangler is superior over the pistol

these are some of the more popular misconceptions about the engineer. It is advised to not listen to players who believe in this nonsense. It's suggested to mute them and even votekick if needed.

Section two: Attitude

Sure it's important to know the do's and don'ts about the engineer, but what difference would it make without having the right attitude as a true engineer main? You are very lucky finding this guide online, because the stuff you're learning here is usually kept secret among the professional Team Fortress 2 scene. I doubt Uncle Dane will ever teach you things like this!
Uncle Dane? More like:

Uncle Damn you're stupid!

• Arguing in chat

Just because you are an engineer, doesn't mean you only construct buildings. Next to constructing buildings, you also construct strong opinions about your political views, and you make sure to share them with everyone on the server. The average engineer main spends more time arguing in the chat instead of actually playing the game. Because your political opinions are always right, anyone who disagrees is an unintelligent drop-out.
After all, you're the one who has the intellectual capacity required in order to constructing deadly killing devices with pinpoint accuracy!

If this is how your average in-game chat looks like, you're on the right track!

• Psychological warfare

As an engineer, you often find yourself demolishing the entire enemy team. You can virtually destroy anything, but to actually make people ragequit, you gotta go the extra mile.
If you truly want to destroy the opposing team in your server, you'll have to taunt after every kill. Taunting is a great game mechanic, and the only reason it exists, is to piss of other players. Make sure to use the default taunts, not the paid taunts! This way tryhards will get even more mad. The worst nightmare of a tryhard is being dominated by a default/gibus wearing enemy who's taunting after every kill.

Combine tauntkilling with dominating and you're guaranteed to mentally torment the entire enemy team! You'll clean the server from people who take the game too seriously, because why would they otherwise get mad over you destroying them in a video game? Hah, losers!

• Rancho Relaxo

After being on the top of the scoreboard for the majority of the match, you deserve to take a break every now and then, I mean, it's exhausting to be an engineer main!
Go easy on yourself and really take the time to sit back and become one with yourself. Every engineer has above average brain activity because of their intellectualism, so it's important for the engineer to meditate. The engineer is a spiritual creature in a spiritual universe. He's aware of the fact that there is a higher power in the universe, and he's humble towards that power by praying every morning he wakes up.

The longer you sit in your chair, the closer you become one with god, and the closer you become one with god, the better you will be at Team Fortress 2.

Section three: Preparations

A true engi main has instincts. Instincts that tell him what preparations are needed before you jump into a casual game of Team Fortress 2. It's important to not question why, but take it for granted. Trusting a person's intellect is the first step to becoming intelligent yourself.

• Mouse sensitivity

Being the former COD player that you are, you are most likely aware of the fact that a high mouse sensitivity equals your skill in-game. Having a high mouse sensitivity doesn't only boost your fragile ego, it also gives you a golden justification you can use whenever you die, just complain you died because you have to deal with high sensitivity unlike all the tryhards you are playing against! They are NOOBS for not having their sensitivity turned up like you. The only reason a tryhard could have killed you in the first place, is because they don't know the struggle of having a high mouse sensitivity.

The higher your sensitivity, the better you are as a Team Fortress 2 player. This fact also applies to other games, such as chess and Lego Star Wars.

• Binds

Using binds is what every engineer main would advise you to do. You might be wondering where you would need binds for, and let me answer your question. If you think you will be needing binds for proper team communication, you're wrong.
Use binds to spam memes in chat, because everyone finds that hilarious. People might say to you that 'your dad should have pulled out'. I personally don't know what that means, but I think they are meaning to say that they find you hilarious.

It might be 2020, but the lenny meme still is a, by the community appreciated and respected, hilarious text imagery.

• Profile picture

Ask yourself, who is the engineer? Where is he born? What are his hobbies? I have been reading all of the Team Fortress 2 comics, and I found out that the engineer is born in Texas. Therefore I sent a message to my steam friend who lives in Texas, and he proceeded to tell me that Texas invented anime.
Knowing this knowledge, I came to the conclusion you should be using an anime profile picture whenever you are playing the engineer from Team Fortress 2. Not only will people appreciate and value your opinions more, they will also know that you're a true intellectual. It's scientifically proven that people who watch anime have 35 IQ points above average.

















This is an example of what a true intellectual engineer main would have as a profile picture. Keep in mind, when choosing a suitable anime profile picture such as the above, it's important to not be ironic about it. All your choices and decisions regarding this should be completely genuine.

Play the game

Congratulations! You have reached the end of my guide.
You are now ready to be a god-tier engineer like me.
From now on, you'll find yourself having to deal with new issues gods like me struggle with on a daily basis. For instance, have you ever heard of having too many kills on your strange shotgun?
I doubt you have. I hope to have helped you out with my advanced guide on how to play as an engineer in Team Fortress 2.


If you somehow still manage to be bad at the game, just uninstall Team Fortress 2 because this game is boring.

Overwatch is way better anyways.



Anyways, I hope you've had fun reading my guide.
Until next time, this is FAKs, signing off.

[blowup]

"Im planning on doing 'how to write the perfect tf2 guide' lol" please

[Benevolence]

"Holy merry mother of Joseph!" --Soldier

[football]

engineer tf2

[NordicCelt]

i think i got a tumor the size of texas reading this. wow

[faks gamer dude]

Im planning on doing 'how to write the perfect tf2 guide' lol

[bleedingdoughnut]

WOW....guys plizzzz dont folow this advise... it is NOT true guys plxzzzzzz it will not ghelp....

[vaas]

thenc now i ken plei as enginir frum ti ef 2

[HarmlessPotato]

yes.

[HarmlessPotato]

"your dad should have pulled out" means something really disgusting and very mean, (SO DONT USE MEME BINDS)

[Larry The Cucumber]

,