How to treat a Helpless Heavy

Ever seen a Sweet, Helpless Heavy on your server before, but didn't know how to respect it? Fear not, because I will teach you how to respect a kind Heavy!

Absorbing Information

Knowing how to treat a kind heavy is very hard work. We will have to get the Heavy you know out of your head, and in with the new Kind Heavy! To do this, you must absorb all the things heavy has made for you on gmod or SFM videos. Let us get some information on the topic.

Good job. Now you see Heavy as a more kind and warm-hearted person. And scout as a derp who can drive flying cars. If you are not yet amazed by how kind the heavy is, let us look at another video.

You have definently learned to love the heavy now, even though he was stupid. But he made french toast, and that solves everything. Right?

....Right?

How to tell a Rude Heavy from a Kind Heavy

As you could see from above, a Kind Heavy is mostly Blue. You can tell that someone is a Rude Heavy by looking at their clothes and seeing that they are red. If they are red they should be ded. If they are blu, they are good. You can tell if Blu is a helpless heavy if they are holding a sandvich in their hands, but a wuss if they are threatening you with their Holiday Punch gloves. So, with that done, we will see what a rude Heavy looks like.

As you can see, he looks pretty mad shooting his minigun. This is dangerous. He could kill lots of people with that machine of destruction. Also, view his ammo flying up into the air and dropping to the ground. He is littering! Who will clean that ammo up? D: And where is he shooting? At innocent Helpless Heavies? For shame!! He is clearly not a helpless heavy. Helpless heavies treat people with lots of respect, and have sandviches for you to eat, too!

How should I treat a Helpless Heavy?

You should treat all Helpless Heavies with kindness, love, and respect.


...What? You thought I'd put more text in this section?

Variants of Helpless Heavies

The Fake Helpless Heavy
The Fake Helpless Heavy is what it sounds like. He will warm up to you and your peers, and then, once everything is in place, he will destroy you all!!!

The Giving Helpless Heavy
These rare Helpless Heavies will give you free items! Mostly weapons and scrap metal. Keep in mind this is a rare variant, so you can't just expect every one to give you items.

The Homeless Helpless Heavy
The Homeless Helpless Heavy has an All-Father beard and a sandvich or sign. All he wants are friends, so please, won't you be his? This is the most common beard this variant has, so watch carefully, but there can also be more.

The Conga Helpless Heavy
This variant of the Helpless Heavy just wants to conga with the whole server! Why not join in?

Discovered on Sep. 10th, 2014
Rich Helpless Heavy
Rich Helpless Heavies do not care about the game. They care about their hats, and yours too! He will only become your friend when you have a good hat.

Discovered on Apr. 8th, 2015
NEW VARIANT!!The Hobo Helpless Heavy
Discovered by Lil Bub, the Hobo Helpless Heavy scurries to find all of the food he can, and not be seen by other teammates or enemies in fear of getting shot. They run around with the Trash Man, Leftover Trap, and Sandvich Safe.


There are many other variants we have not spotted yet, so be on the look out, and tell us what you find.

A Sad Thing

There are less and less Helpless Heavies coming on to servers nowadays. This means no sandviches, no fun times, no congas, but worst of all, no love or friendship. These heavies are very special to the community! Please, oh, please, do not kill Helpless Heavies, and maybe together, we can bring them back.

Thank you for your time.

[spongebob]

Pootis bird is the best

[gabbermac]

also some helpless heavies arnt as helpless, some may use their guns as self-defence

[gabbermac]

you also forgot about the pootis bird

[gabbermac]

"oh it brings tears to the eye's" (im friendly on tf2 anyway, also i didnt cry at all though)

[Light Yagami]

poor hoovys...

[EATSUMLED]

heavy deseves respect

[pokevii]

@Lil Bub
Thank you for contributing to the Helpless Heavy informative guide. You have been credited, and your discovery has been added to the 'Variants of Helpless Heavies' section.

[honk mimimimi]

I have found an unmentioned speciemen of Hobo Heavy. He was running around with Trash Man, Leftover Trap, and Sandvich Safe.

[The Loathsome Catt poster]

oh god the plight of the hoovy. brings me to genuine tears *crys*

[Pogchamp moments]

i am a helpless heavy