How to Properly Abuse a Shopping Cart

Never before has a game so thoroughly brought to attention the horrible, torturous actions consumers take towards shopping carts. This is a story about abuse, caged freedom, and a new hope.

Step 1: The Harrowing Selection

To first and foremost begin your abusive career, it is of utmost importance that you select the map "Shopping Mall". Currently, there is no other hunting ground to establish your dominance over the shopping cart race, and as such, your only chance to pound on those poor metal contraptions lies in this map. Choose a lovely server currently playing the map, and you may begin Step 2.

Step 2: The Agonizing Wait

Before you can begin your abusive spree, unfortunately the "waiting game" must be played. This is a match of diligence and patience between you, the game, and Minh "Gooseman" Le. Whoever can out-wait each other will get to actually play the match. This leads to about a minute wait before you may start committing crimes against those poor, innocent shopping carts. Once that is over however.....Step 3 may begin!

Step 3: The Long March to the Battlefield

As you load up and get your gear situated, you will soon "spawn" in. This creates a replica of you that may be killed off, regenerated using other replicas of other players, and even become a mass-murder machine. Really though, that isn't what this guide is about. The purpose of this guide is for you to be instructed in the ways of shopping cart abuse....so let's get to our objective! To do so, waltz your way on over to the area where those 4 poor victims lie......in the middle of the map! This is quite dangerous, so if you wish, wait until most of the players die and then sneak your way over to one of the 4 steel beasts. From here.....Step 4 is put into motion!

Step 4: The Sinful F Key

From here on out, things might get a little frightening and shocking. If you've never committed a violent act like this before, you may want to turn back and go back to your "how to b3 a b0ss at TI woo woo yolo" guide. Trust me, it's for your own good.

Otherwise, you're already to this point I suppose, so why not finish the deed you've eagerly waited so long to do?

To do away with those shopping carts that you so solemnly despise, simply strike the F key.

Step 5 continues the process.

Step 5: The Shock and Awe

Instantly, that poor shopping cart will cry out in agony with its metal clinking screams. They should also roll a few feet/a meter or two away from you, scooting away as if to say "No, pa, no!". If you have proper footwear, they may perhaps even fly into the air. If none of these symptoms occured, you did something wrong. Read over this manual if results were not as intended.

There should be a small chorus of cries from your team or the enemy team if they witnessed your vile act of battery. Some may shout "HOW U DO THAT", while others perhaps, "BAN HAX I AM GABEN'S COUSIN I BAN U", and even perhaps the more common "♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥♥". All of these are cries of shock, merely ignore them. The ones you want to focus more keenly on and pay attention to are those of "Good job", or "jajajajaja", and "Rack up the body count more you abusive ♥♥♥♥". These are the appreciative comments that we live for, we strive for, we endure for.

Life as a shopping cart kicker can get rough. Let's take a look at the benefits in Step 6 of this guide.

Step 6: The Wonderful 101 Benefits

Living with the knowledge that you abused a shopping cart or two.....or three....or a hundred might come off as painful sorrow associated with your military career. You may want to give up and quit. Perhaps find a different career, as a Spy, Overweight Man with a Machine-Gun, or an Annoying Baseball Player. Maybe you'll even go on to join the ranks of fantasy heroes of the likes of Pudge the Butcher or Crystal Maiden the Pretty Ice Princess.

Whatever path you take though, in the end you will come out with a minimum of 101 benefits. These are just but a few of the possiblities, of course:

-0 GP
-0 EXP
-A potential achievement
-Capital Punishment by kicking
-Nothing
-Pride, Prejudice, and Pompousness
-Guilt, Fear, and Regret
-Paranoia
-Diabetes
-Optimistic views on politics
-A career in journalism
-A career in shopping carts' rights activism
-Nothing
-Gabe Newell's private email, with access to FIVE "personal conferences" every night at the times of 11 P.M., 12 A.M., 1 A.M., 2 A.M., and 3 A.M.
-Nothing
-Probably Nothing

Step 7 will go into detail about the effects of your actions regarding the overall audience of Tactical Intervention players.

Step 7: Lasting Effects Mean Lasting Abuse

I would not doubt it if the numbers of abuse hotline callers increases in the coming days, weeks, and months. With this newfound knowledge you have obtained, you and all of your friends may partake in crimes so extreme that it isn't even possible to be VAC banned for them.

Enjoy, my friends.

[Diamond]

The idle game.

[K1NGJMZ]

i dont get what this guide is about or FOR

[TWITCHERUS]

dafug

[Skywi]

KICK THAT CART IN THE !!!!!!!!

[AP!]

Overall, this is quite the heartbreaking story. Those poor, poor shopping carts. Why?! Why would anyone do such a thing? What... what did they ever do to you, huh? I couldn't even sleep after reading this... The tears... oh, the tears!

[UnreformedMocha]

5/5, would bang

[DrPixel]

I see.

[[BLA]Unmortal]

now a g mod vid with carts from TI en then abuse away

[boof]

Lol, we all know Newell is available at 3.

[76561198060868523]

you sir deserve a medal