Ye Olde Rustic colour and you

Lime green? Pink as Hell? You've gotta be f*cking kidding me mate.

Introduction

So you've got some paintable hats and misc by now and you want to spice things up with a bit of colour.

Well luckily for you, dear TF2 player, there are many lovely colours for you to choose from. Drably olive, Mann Co. orange, Dark salmon injustice. The list goes on and on so if you want to check out the rest go and haul your butt to the team fortress 2 wiki.

Erhmagerd what in the name of all that is good in TF2 is that? Someone with a lime green fast learner? My eyes!

Basically, this guide is designed to wean you off the overly popular and incredibly nasty colours that burn the eyes of players everywhere and get you to be different. If you use such colours you are either a) colourblind*, b) insane or c) tasteless.

This guide is probably a joke but has an important moral or something which got lost during production.

Please note that this is not somehow designed to "convert" people from lime and pink. I think you're entitled to use whatever paint you damned well please, so go and use whatever paint you damned well please. THAT'S AN ORDER. I just want to show people the benefits and awesomeness of the underrated colours in the TF2niverse.

If you take anything away from this guide, let it be this next sentence. Be unique, be you, and don't do anything just to fit in; express your individuality!

*Disclaimer: I hold nothing against colourblind people. Colourblindness is a very unfortunate condition.

EDIT NOTES: added more pictures.
EDIT NOTES: asked people to rate the guide if they liked it.
Blasbo Bibbins patch no. 1: Blasbo Bibbins will now sell ye olde rustic colour paint to people whenever he has some in stock.
EDIT NOTES: invited readers to add comments and suggestions.
EDIT NOTES: added even more pictures and text.
EDIT NOTES: added the gaud-o-meter and revised paint positions on its scale.
EDIT NOTES: remembered that a colour similar to slate exists and added it to the gaud-o-meter.
EDIT NOTES: mentioned halloween spells.
EDIT NOTES: remembered muskelmannbraun exists and added it to the gaud-o-meter.
EDIT NOTES: added useless trivia and a minor tweak to the gaud-o-meter.

WHY THE F*CK IS THIS GUIDE SO POPULAR? GO READ OTHER GUIDES THAT ARE BETTER IMMEDIATELY. NOW GO AND PAINT YOUR HATS WHATEVER F*CKING COLOUR YOU LIKE BECAUSE IT'S YOUR CHOICE AS TO HOW AWESOME YOU LOOK. I ASSUME YOU ALL LOOK AWESOME. GO AND WEAR PINK STUFF AND ANNOUNCE " I PAID NO ATTENTION TO THIS WHATSOEVER!" THAT IS COOL WITH ME! Thanks for so many ratings and stuff though. I never saw this coming.

Lime green, bright pink, black and white: the deadly four

"But Blasbo Bibbins, lime green is sooooo in fashion and ye olde rustic colour 'n' sh*t is sooooo 1485."

Well that just goes to show that the fashion world is full of sh*t really. Also, if you know what happened in 1485 you have your history hat/misc on and deserve ten bonus points.

Why avoid these four immensely popular colours and choose less popular ones? good question dear TF2 player, allow me to explain my seemingly mad reasoning here:

Number one: cost.

Black, white, lime green and pink are incredibly expensive paints. They can cost over 1 key each, and you only get one use. Value for money? I think not. On the other hand, you've got my personal favourite colour, Ye Olde Rustic colour. That sh*t costs like two reclaimed apiece. Paint your hats without breaking the bank!*

*Please bear in mind that, if people listen to this little rant of mine for some weird reason and demand for ye olde rustic colour increases, you will probably end up paying more. I will take full responsibility for this issue and persuade people to use moustache grey instead.

Number two: art style.

I read a guide (I will not identify the author or guide for legal reasons) which told me that the "deadly four" completely clash with the art style of TF2. I agree. TF2 is all about shades and gradual colours without absolute dark or light. Black and white totally go against this idea. Meanwhile, the RED scout in a pink tossle cap and lime fast learner burns the eyes of every player on RED and makes them lose. Yes, lime green and bright pink are eyesores to the extreme. Think of the lack of optician bills you could create by avoiding such colours! People will openly thank you for not ruining their eyes and, in doing so, not forcing them to get bionic replacement ones which cost millions of pounds each.

Number three: alternatives.

There are alternatives to those digusting lime greens and pinks! They are called indubitably green and color no. 216-190-216. For black and white, there's drab tincture and after eight.

Observe:










See how much better indubitably green and color no. 216-190-216 look? They don't hurt your eyes, unlike that lime green radioactive-looking crap and pink stuff. After eight looks well-worn and nice compared to the light-absorbing black paint, and you may complain that drab tincture looks nothing like white but it beats the colour of a gentleman's business pants. I mean, it's better that your Bill's looks beige than as if someone took a white one and peed all over it.



It's players like these indubitably green-wearing individuals that make me PROUD.



Fact: scouts wearing black fast learners and tossle caps have been known to absorb all the light in a map, leading to total loss of visibility and many frustrating and unavoidable stalemates on CTF and CP maps. Also the fast learner is the most overrated misc to ever exist. Come to think of it, tossle caps are overrated as well.



BUNNIES ARE NOT BRIGHT PINK! GET IT THE F*CK RIGHT! Real bunnies are rustic brown, moustache grey, a peculiarly drab tincture and after eight. You have poured pink paint on a bunny then killed it, removed its head and worn it like some sick trophy. YOU HEARTLESS, BUNNY-HATING INDIVIDUAL!

Ye olde rustic colour: why the f*ck?

So by now you've either resolved to stop reading this guide, have gone off lime green entirely or you just think I'm mad.

Ye olde rustic colour has become my favourite colour. Why though? Well, if I'm honest I can't actually remember how I got into using it. I probably saw it and said to myself, "Hmm, that looks nice." But there are four good reasons for getting some rustic colour:

It's cheap c:
It actually looks fairly good on both RED and BLU players.
It's cheap c:
There's a lot of it. People don't buy it really (except for me), so there's plenty in stock.



If you want to see ye olde rustic coloured hats in action, join my team and stare at me for a long time. At least your eyes won't bleed profusely. Alternatively, observe the following:



See how the rustic baubles look awesome. Also, that pyro is F*CKING ADORABLE AS SH*T.



Now you too can enjoy Scottish golf with a rustic brown TOTALLY NOT RETINA-DESTROYING golf bag and glengarry bonnet.



You might not be able to tell that his spurs and chaps are rustic brown, BUT AT LEAST THEY AREN'T BURNING YOUR EYES OUT.



Such a stylish and mysterious Arctic warfare ensemble would have been DESTROYED if it were lime green. Also, enemy snipers would have seen him from fifty miles away.



This hat is brown like camouflage, therefore you are now INVISIBLE to snipers everywhere.



This Tyrolean looks beautiful, because you can ACTUALLY SEE IT. Were it lime green or pink, you would be blind and unable to admire it.

Conclusion

Obviously this guide is a joke.

Mind you, of all the colours you could make fashionable, you chose the ones which are eye-burning and ruin the TF2 art style.

Of course, what colour you paint things is your choice. I don't really care that much, and you can use whatever colour you like. But the next time you make a hat cry by pouring lime green gunk all over it, think of all the eyes you will destroy and think about how many rustic colours you could have bought instead.

DO NOT TAKE THIS GUIDE SERIOUSLY. I sure as hell didn't.

Hats and miscs have feelings too.

Whilst you're here though, do me a solid and check out my guide on playing stock soldier:

http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=121124714

That guide is actually serious and somewhat helpful.

Happy gaming/trading/trips to the optician.

If you enjoyed this guide, why not rate it?

Also, your comments, no matter how hateful or full of praise they may be, are much appreciated. Feel free to suggest other controversial TF2 issues I should cover or offer me paint.

The Gaud-o-meter

Behold the patented gaud-o-meter, inspired by someone who commented below. See where your favourite paint comes on the gaud-o-meter scale. 1-2 is good, 3 is still good, 4 should be avoided and 5 should never even be seen dead in.

1.Not gaudy in any way

A Mann's Mint
After Eight
Moustache grey
216-190-216
Ye Olde rustic colour
Zepheniah's greed
Radigan Conagher brown
Drab tincture
Business pants
Muskelmannbraun
Drably olive
Hatter's Violet*
Deep commitment to purple*

2. Not really gaudy to any particular extent

A colour similar to slate
Salmon injustice
Mann. co orange
Indubitably green
Waterlogged lab coat
Operator's overalls
Air of debonair

2.5. The place where paints considered gaudy by some but not by others may reside so as to satisfy all parties involved in the debate of gaudiness

Australium gold

3. Somewhat gaudy but not in an overly displeasing way

Balaclavas are forever
Cream spirit
Team spirit
The value of team work


4. really rather gaudy in a displeasing and tasteless way which I disapprove of

Black
White

5. So gaudy I just felt my eyes melting down the front of my shirt

Lime Green
Pink as Hell

Of course you may disagree. It is after all a matter of taste.

Concerning halloween spells, I would probably say they fit in at about 3.5 on the gaud-o-meter. I've only ever seen a few halloween painted hats, but they don't seem too bad. Maybe a little gaudy because they're fancy and they change colours but they aren't really eyesores as such. Most of them sound quite pleasant actually.

* Purple and all its respective shades and hues are purely awesome.

Useless trivia: several of the team paints are actually based off the colours of the class models. Balaclavas are forever comes from spy's mask, an air of debonair from his suit; waterlogged labcoats comes from the medic's labcoat, and operator's overalls comes from the engie's duds. Some brilliant individual also told me that the value of teamwork is derived from the medic's cross (the one on his backpack), and that team and cream spirit come from the engie's hard-hat and pyro's grenades or something.

COMING SOON (OR AT LEAST AT SOME POINT IN THE NEAR OR FAR FUTURE):

Why the f*ck do we have six snipers? A guide to team composition and class role.
Another rant at some morons.
A burning sensation: using pyro in MvM. YES, I REMEMBER THE GOLDEN DAYS WHEN PYRO WAS BELOVED ACROSS MvM. IF YOU THINK HE SUCKS AGAINST ROBOTS YOU'RE JUST ♥♥♥♥ AT PYRO. GO AND DIE. Thank you.
Screaming at more stupid people.
English grammar 101
Why Blasbo Bibbins is so Awesome

[Mr.Firefox]

yes good hats good paitns hmm yesss

[Felrin]

RIP AND TEAR! RIP AND TEAR YOUR LIME GREEN HATS!
YOU ARE RICH! THAT MUST MEAN YOU HAVE LOTS OF LIME GREEN HATS!
RIP AND TEAR YOUR HATS!

[StreamyDenny]

I do enjoy using Mann Co. Orange 'cause it goes good with the orange colored danger signs, or almost every clothes the mercs have. It may seems like a bad choice on BLU mercs, but I do like a sense of color contrast

[your_grandma]

Awesome guide! Shining some light on underrated paints

[iTANK]

Also Mann's Mint is a very nice color.

[iTANK]

Understandably, some players simply love vivid colors. However, lime and pink are sins against Team Fortress 2. If you would like to appearing bright and lively without looking like a neon jackass, go with Mann Co. Orange. I am totally non-biased in the undeniably high quality of orange.

[Gena Cider]

why the fuck people even use color paints, the hats look awesome without paints.

[Raffica]

Wat should I use my muskelmannbraun on kthx

[blamo]

Came back, and I gave this gide a C- or something because I was 12 and was salty that people hated Lime, but now I actually grew a brain (somewhat) and I agree with everything you said. Not to mention ye olde rustic color is actually my favorite paint now

11/10

[Your Casual Fox]

I use both indub and drab tinct, and they look great.