Ultimate Troll Spy Guide

No spies? No skill? No soul? No problem! This guide will teach you everything you need to know to become the spy every team really wants!

What a true Spy is!

Let’s face it; Spy is really hard to play. I mean, his main weapon requires you to get behind your enemies, but the problem is that every time you spawn, they’re coming right at you! And don’t even get me started on the knife! Sure Valve gave you a watch that turns you invisible and a magical cigar holder that makes you look like one of the enemy players, but one puff of flame from a Pyro quickly negates both “defenses.” And we all know that those flaming monsters are everywhere. However, you know that the Spy can be better than he is. You know that you can help your team as a Spy somehow, and I’m here to reveal the secret. If you’re like most players who came to read this guide, you’re probably looking how to do something that requires 0 skill and yet is very effective. That, or you have a heart of pure, whole fat, evil that longs to troll the enemy team up the wazoo. Either way, welcome to the most epic guide you will ever read! Today, you will learn about every weapon you will need in order to become a truly effective Spy instead some dumb, face-stabbing, Ambassador headshotting, n0ob who spends way too much time trying to make the Spy class “pro.”

Weapon #1: The Enforcer!

This weapon used to be perfect. It was the most wonderful, perfect, beautiful, pure etc. weapon in the game by far! Then VALVE burst in and supposedly “balanced” the weapon. They ruined the Enforcer like Peter Jackson ruined The Lord of the Rings!!1! Luckily, the Enforcer is still the most effective revolver that requires absolutely no skill whatsoever (assuming you can hit the broadside of a heavy). This weapon can take out a raging Engie, Pyro, Demoman, or any other 175 health or below class in 3 shots! The minute you get behind your enemies, just whip out this baby and let the power-packed bullets fly! You can even fight your enemies with them in front of you and this gun is amazingly effective! Now let’s not forget about the crits on this thing. Although VALVE made it so this weapon can’t get random critical hits, a Kritzkrieg will still let you output 144 damage a shot! If you see a Medic with the Kritzkrieg, you let him know that he MUST ubercharge you if he wants to help the team. You deal 144 damage a shot! How could any other class top that? If he refuses to give you his uber you just let him know how much of a no0b he is. Your other teammates will surely back you up.

Weapon #2: The Spycicle!

Did you know that a frozen drop of water the size of an extra long Oscar Meyer can kill? Me neither! Now I’m afraid to walk under icicles for fear of neck punctuation! Thanks Valve! But wait, there’s more to this Christmas themed Spy knife! Not only can you pierce the back on your enemies necks and turn them into ridiculous frozen mid-death statues, but you can also become invulnerable to fire for 2 whole seconds! That’s right, a foot-long piece of ice can extinguish a fire from an entire human being and keep that cool being from catching on fire for 2 surprisingly long seconds. Take THAT you flesh-burning monsters called Pyros! Your flamethrowers of pure burning rage aren’t so effective now are they? LOLOLOLOLOLOLLLOOL

Weapon #3: The Dead Ringer

Want to know what’s epic? NINJAS are epic! Well, sort of. But they’re kind of lame too. I mean, disappearing in a puff of smoke when your rival Samurai dude throws knives at you is kind of cool, but leaving behind a piece of wood or some other piece of junk is pretty lame. I mean, the ninja obviously isn’t dead, so Mr. Rival Samurai Dude is going to be on his guard. The disappearing act was only cool for a second, but that revealing piece of wood is going to make the ninjas surprise wedgie attack way less…surprising. That’s why you are so much cooler mister epic Spy! The Dead Ringer not only lets you fake your death, but instead of leaving a dumb piece of wood you leave behind a corpse of you MADE out of dumb wood. Better than ninjas? You bet! This weapon is one of the ultimate troll weapons due to its infinite ability to let you keep faking your death so long as you find ammo boxes full of wood, making every time someone “kills” you a “I'll bet you thought I was dead. Nope! Chuck Testa.” (I say we petition Valve to hire old Chuck and make that line the Dead Ringer de-cloak sound.)

Weapon #4: The Coup-De-Goob, The Red Tape Recorder!

This weapon is the heart and soul of your loadout. In some respects, it is the heart and soul of all trolling spy loadouts. When any spy equips this weapon, it turns them into an almost 100% pure mass of evil troll. Your equipping this weapon while using the weapons above will just put your evil trollage into the 100-120% range. Now you may be wondering, why does this weapon have such an evil affect upon its user? I have a better question for you though. Why does the Red Tape Recorder have the word RED in its name. I’ll tell you why! It’s because the RTR’s tape is covered in the blood of the Engineers who took their own lives because of this weapon! Forget the VooDoo Souls, this thing is the ultimate mass of pure cursed evil! If we were to play whatever the contents are on this tape, the sound would surely be an evil mass of mind boggling insanity…OF EVIL! Those who have tried to listen to the tape have ended up in the (Dark) Pyroland institute, but those who only heard shrivels of it due to the muffling from the screaming have created the closest possible sound they can to the original. You can listen to it here: http://youtu.be/sTSA_sWGM44?t=1m46s

Now that you’ve heard Trollbadias national anthem, it’s time we discuss what this weapon specifically does and how you can use it effectively with the rest of your loadout. When the RTR is placed on a sentry (we’ll assume it’s level 3), in a mere 1.7 seconds (faster than 2 wrench swings), the sentry is permanently de-leveled to level 2 even if the engie gets the sapper off. Now the victim must spend another 200 ammo in order to get his sentry back into working condition, and that is way more ammo he’ll have to spend than if he just had to heal the damage a lame ol regular sapper did. However, you’re a troll, and you’re certainly not going to require that little man just to spend 200 ammo to get his big gun back up to protect him. Oh no, you’re going to keep running around placing the RTR on ever one of his buildings! All you have to do is go back and forth between his dispenser and sentry (and perhaps his teleporter) and keep on clicking! Sing with me Dory! Just keep clicking, just keep clicking, just keep clicking, clicking, clicking. What do we do? We click, click, click.

Once the engineer realizes he’s not going to win this clicking battle he’ll come after you. Now most lame spies would actually try to kill him (with a facestab no less), but you, being the handsome troll spy that you are, will simply rip out your Dead Ringer and fake your death away. LOLOLOLOOLLLLOO. (That or you could kill the engie with your Enforcer. Knife kills are attributed to skill for some reason, but Enforcer kills in close range every time you face someone is rage inducing) Finally, once that engineer gets his buildings back up, simply rinse and repeat. After awhile, the engineer will most likely get fed up with your RTR shenanigans, and switch to rage Pyro (in which case you simply take advantage of your Spycicle) or a Battle Engineer (in which case you’ve probably helped the enemy team, but you’re a troll so who wins shouldn’t really matter so long as you're winning).

The Sum of this combination is....

So there you have it! You are now prepared to antagonize, agonize, and annoy the enemy team like never before! You will most surely hear your enemies curse your very name and your teammates praise you like a hero! Just like an epic war hero! Now get out there and start being a true Spy! What's that you say?! You want to know what you should wear when performing such epic feats of featery?! Have no fear, a mini-guide is here!

Mini-Fashion Guide

Item #1: The Mercenary Badge

This piece of 100% bronze colored plastic just screams, "I'm a newb who has nothing else to wear!" While most players will switch out this dollar store item with a much more difficult to obtain MISC item, you on the other hand will wear it with pride! Watch as your enemies shake their fists at their computer screens (assuming you're watching them somehow you creeper) as you totally kick their virtual butts while wearing the ultimate badge of "I have no skills in this game at the moment."

Item #2: The Ghastly Gibus

People will tell you this hat is no0b, but that's just a big overweight lie! This fashionable top hat that has a hint of hobo is only obtained in one way, by dominating someone else wearing this wondrous piece of fashion! If someone else has both the suave and the skill to wear this hat, than the fact that you were able to dominate them clearly shows that you deserve this piece of clothing in every way. To not wear this hat would be like not wearing a platinum dueling badge since you wouldn't be showing evidence of your epic combat skills! This item is essential to your epic spy set.

Item #3: The Pyrovision Goggles

There's a good chance some of you are reading this guide in order to find out how to troll the enemy as a spy in the most effective way possible. Doubtless I'm sure you've realized that to follow this guide to the letter would require you to have no soul. But for those of you who haven't quite sold yours yet, you can make it so your soul will only feel the need to give your firstborn child to Gaben as an apology. By wearing the Pyrovision Goggles, the cruel world you are trolling is quickly turned into a happy world! Those engineers aren't grimacing in pain from your Enforcer shots because they're clearly laughing! The pyros do not burn with fiery rage in order to melt your flesh but they just want to blow bubbles and rainbows in order to burn your eyes! Not to mention the goggles make you, the epic spy, just laugh whenever someone attacks you, which goes to show you could care less if they kill you since you'll be back in under 13 seconds! Even a soulless troll can enjoy this item due to its laughing in the enemies face even if they're winning.

In all due seriousness:

I think it's important that I make things clear about my real opinions on the weapons. Hopefully in reading this guide, you detected the heavy sarcasm throughout, but just in case you didn't, here's a brief overview of what I really think of the spy weapons.

Enforcer: I am actually quite glad that Valve balanced this weapon, and I'm sure most of you realized that with my LotR comparison (except for a few raging LotR purists). However, despite it being more balanced, if I had to pick a spy revolver that takes the least skill to use, I would pick the Enforcer since it still packs a punch. Nonetheless, I do not look down on a spy for using this weapon unless he is using it as his sole weapon.

Spycicle: I actually believe this weapon to be quite balanced. Although it says it has a "silent kill," it's actually quite possible to hear the ice hardening sound that plays once someone is stabbed, and the fact that the knife leaves behind tell-tale statues also alerts other players to the spy's presence, so the "silent kill" isn't quite as stealthy as Your Eternal Reward. Also, although the knife allows spies to get away from Pyros, the fact that it takes a fairly long time for the knife to regenerate is terribly inconvenient for a spy who's main objective is to backstab, especially if a pyro accidently melts the knife with a random puff of flame. The reason I chose this knife for the troll set is so it can perform the sole duty of helping the player get away from raging pyros. It's meant to be used as more of a safeguard from raging players than an actual backstabbing knife.

Dead Ringer: I honestly don't know what I think of this weapon at the moment. Some people hate and wish it didn't exist, while others love it like there's no other watch, and I must say there are convincing arguments from either side. For now I'd say that I don't think I entirely approve of the Dead Ringer, but I do believe there are certain maps where it is better to use over other Invis Watches. In any case, when it comes to trolling, staying alive and constantly coming back is a definite must which is why this weapon is in this set.

Red Tape Recorder: I was, in actuality, entirely serious about my description of this weapon. If I had to pick the #1 currently broken item in TF2 right now, it would be this weapon. The fact that it permanently de-levels sentries in such a fast time frame is incredibly overpowered and it lets spies play more noobishly rather than forcing them to learn tactics such as the sap-n-stab. Until Valve fixes this weapon, I say that no spy should ever, EVER, use this weapon. The only exceptions are trolling or MvM. I don't care how skilled you are at getting backstabs, facestabs, headshots, and other similar things. If you're using this weapon, I immediately see you as a spy with almost no skill whatsoever since it allows you to sap sentries, the main prey of spies, without having to worry about the engineer due to its fast and permanent damage. Please, don't use this weapon unless it's for the sole purpose of trolling. If you're good enough at techniques like the sap-n-stab then you don't need to use the RTR.

Well that ended on a bit of a serious note, but I hope you've enjoyed this ultimate spy troll guide! I fear about what horrors I've just unleashed onto the servers, but it was all worth it in the name of humorous writing!

[Dark Random]

the RTR makes a sound that says LETS MAKE SOME NOISE!

[lorenzo]

@Sauce
Would it replace the loud tornado noise?

[dawg wit da butta onem]

The "Nope, Chuck Testa!" sound effect on a Dead Ringer decloak would actually be really epic.

[filthy cesspool mam]

looooooooool

[General St0re]

@mnemonic device
In a somewhat unfortunate occurence of events, I actually posted this guide only a day before the patch that fixed the RTR came out. I would agree that it is more balanced now, but the fact that it can permanatly de-level sentrys still implies to me that a spy could be annoyingly effective by constantly clicking on a sentry until the engie gets tired of it and chases him. While doing so with a regular sapper will most likely leave the sentry alive for the engie to save (assuming the engie dispatches the spy quickly) the RTR will almost surely garuntee that the engie will have a de-leveled sentry when he returns from even a quick spy extermination. While it isn't as evil of a weapon as before, I still prefer to see spys use the regular sapper over the RTR when it comes to serious play.

[Lazulis]

remember idiot under this comment, but when the sentry is downgraded, it takes the engi's metal & time

[mnemonic device]

Um... The RTR is balanced. Even if it de-levels buildings, it takes an amazingly long time to actually destroy a building.

[Maddie Gaming]

@Daniele.Ventriglia - This guide was meant as a joke, actually. Why else do you think a "In-all-due-Seriousness" section is in there?

[Short Stuff]

I lost it at "Sing with me, Dory!" This guide is awesome.

[Danso]

A spy with the Spycicle and the Dead Ringer could even run away from pyros, burning, and not be found!