A Guide on Mains

Hello new player and/or veteran player who decided to browse the guides because they are bored! In this guide, I'll be going through a journey of every class main, what their ♥♥♥♥ is, and how ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up they are. This will not be a pleasant journey. We will laugh, we will cry, we will go into the cancerous sacs of meat inside people's heads they call a brain. Remember: some of these people are so toxic, they might even cause a tumor to grow inside somebody's head and fill up that empty space. So new players! Pick a class to main! You can't escape it. One day you will become one of these. It's inevitable!

A Guide on Mains [Rewriting Done!]

What the hell happened to this guide?!?

Sorry, folks. Due to some trouble involving my dear friend Kunai giving someone their account info, it looks like someone used it to delete this entire guide and all the comments. Let this be a lesson: Never add anyone else as a contributor to your guides! There's also another guide I made: http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=1078643863

Pffft
Shockal here. After seeing the entire effort of text being stripped down carelessly from this guide, I desperately asked MrFlaptastic if I could faithfully retype the entire thing. He answered with a yes, but with some doubt - but I'll make that doubt goes away completely.

I'll be typing around 1-2 class every week or so in no particular order.

Originally posted by MrFlaptastic:

Thanks for all the help, Shockal. You've helped me rebuild the guide from the bottom up, and is now restored. Cheers!

Scout

The Scout
This little darling loves being in the center of attention. He'd gleefully jump into a barrage of rockets thinking he's simply too fast to be shot, only to die and complain. In fact, this guy complains a lot. He'd rant for hours about why the Sandman never deserved a nerf and why the pyro is a crap class. The reason behind that is because he believes skill means everything. He'll constantly protest against pathetic 'no skill' classes such as Heavy, Engineer and Pyro in order help the game become much more balanced (in reality he's really just shaking salt all over it).

He loves the stock scattergun as well as a natural attraction to the colour lime green.

Soldier

The Soldier
These guys are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Literally. Mostly because half the stuff that comes out of their mouth is ♥♥♥♥. Now, there's one thing most people can agree on: Soldier is an easy class. You've got a fairly large health pool, a great damage-dealing weapon that also has splash damage, and a shotgun to combat Pyro. Most Soldier mains see things differently however. According to them, Soldier is the toughest class to master. Okay, I can understand that rocket jumping can be pretty tough and walking is also difficult, but Soldier is a very basic and easy class.

They will also boss around the team. They think that just because they topped the scoreboard a couple times on a pub, they have the right to proclaim that they are the second coming of Christ and people should do whatever they say. Luckily, most pubs are filled with F2Ps that don't even know how to jump yet, so they don't listen that well. They will demand that someone goes Medic and shove their greasy healing tube right up their rectum so far you can see it coming out of their mouth. If someone kills them, they will complain about how horrible the team (Medic) is, probably projecting from their own messed up childhood.

Originally posted by MrFlaptastic:

As an American, I, MrFlaptastic, fully endorse the soldier.

Pyro

The Pyro
A terrifying disaster. Pyro mains have been acting stranger than ever before. They have clumped together like cancer cells and formed to create an unbelievably dirty society oozing with furries and Rule 34. We've all seen a Pyro with a wolf hat pretending to be a wolf. Disgusting. Perhaps they're second to Medic in terms of female players?

Pyro mains never exist for long. They will eventually succumb (hehe, succ) to the community's hate of the class and change their main. If someone tells you they're a Pyro main, ask what would be their second choice because that's what they will become.

You'll see these weird little freaks running around wide open areas of the map either with a Degreaser or the Dragon's Fury. 'Gibus' Pyros are unaware airblast exists so they use the Backburner or Phlog. Experienced Pyros will airblast the crap out of you and you will hate it.

Pyro mains enjoy acting cute, despite the fact Pyro was originally intended to be an anonymous killer. What happened..?

Demoman

The Demospam The Demonstration Man The Demomenstruation The Demoman
Demomstration Man mains are generally very friendly people. A bit narcissistic and sometimes complete ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, but still friendly. African Americans love to talk about how they play Demo because he's the only black guy. They will not be afraid to call you an uncultured racist assaholic ♥♥♥♥♥ if you insult their favorite playstyle: the Demospam. Instead of setting traps in strategic locations and proving their intellectual surperiority, they create an ungodly wall of explosions to deny enemies the chance to get through a choke point.

As being the only class with the ability to carry an australium in every weapon slot, you will usually see rich Demo mains with all australiums. They rarely invest anything into other classes. If you go onto rocketjump servers, Demo mains can be found trying to master their stickyjumping skills. Stickyjumping is easy to use but insane to master, and as such, has the potential to go faster/farther than rocket jumping.

Demoknight mains don't really exist as Demoknight isn't a class to be taken seriously. Don't bring a sword to a gunfight.

Heavy

The Heavy
Who mains Heavy? Very few people. The population of the rare Heavus Minigunus is ever decreasing in the presence of rapidly reproducing Rocketus Soldierus and Gibus Sniperus. They have also recently become a prey food for the Pyro. If you happen to spot a Heavy main, take a screenshot, for you may never see one ever again.

Those few Heavy Mains however are still a thriving culture. They enjoy expressing the strengths and gameplay of Heavy and are actually not cancerous at all, being intelligent at a side of mind. Despite this, they will always conclude three things:

1. Tomislav is the best minigun
2. Always equip a food item
3. Heavy mains aren't rare

Their preferred choice of clothing tends to be miscs that cover their arms and face, such as jackets and wigs. They usually don't have an unusual on them.

The much more populated subspecies, the Pootis Heavus, takes the form of a crouching Heavy holding food. This is not a Heavy Main. He's just doing it for fun. He'll probably switch to Soldier after he's done mucking around.

Engineer

The Engineer
Like gender, there are two types of Engineer mains that are opposites: Nice and friendly and those that want to piss on your dead corpse after you donate all your organs to people that need them. The nice Engie mains will help anyone in need, even those that are new to the game. Their sentry nests are almost impossible to destroy as they have more experience and work better under pressure than you can ever hope to achieve. Walking in as a Spy is like walking to your ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ funeral because even if you manage to sap something and destroy it, they'd have it rebuilt before you even respawn.

The other type of Engineer main is arguably one of the worst people on the planet. If Hitler chose a class to main it wouldn't be Medic, it would be the bad Engie. They constantly frustrate you and use their god-level skills to torment you worse than what you could ever imagine Hell to be like. Your only hope is that when you kill yourself Satan will take pity on your soul and give you a job to torture the Engie main when he inevitably arrives as well.

Medic

The Medic
Chasing and healing a single Soldier is what a Medic main does best. Why? Because she's a girl. If there's ever a girl playing a video game that's not Candy Crush, it's playing a Medic. Her Soldier is probably her irresistibly muscular boyfriend taking the role of the 'I'LL PROTECT YOU DAHLING' romance novel hero. She'll always have a renamed Medi Gun (such as 'Healing Stick') and a blighted beak, and a circling Heart unusual effect too if her hat happens to be that quality (because girls like pink stuff). In fact expect her hats to be painted pink. Expect her profile page to have a pink theme. Expect pink to be her favorite color. (WARNING: If it's not pink, chances are it's probably a rare species of male Medic. Contact your local TF2 Wildlife serves immediately)

If she ever uses her mic, the whole server explodes with horny 10-14 year olds trying to get her attention.

Sniper

The Sniper
Equipped with an Anger and a crippling addiction to headshots, Sniper mains are extremelly picky. You'll see these so-called 'assasins' glorifying their strange sniper rifle, usually renamed and equipped with a headshot strange part modifier.

What seperates Sniper mains from other classes is that they literally have the power to destroy you. The moment you turn around a corner, BLAM, he clicks your head off within the blink of an eye.

Obviously, gibus snipers are incapable of doing this, and you can tell one is completely rubbish at Sniper when he owns a gibus and a machina.

The rare ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ Sniper is a threat to mankind, but will cower at the shadow of Gaben's great banhammer.

Spy

The Spy
This nerd's been watching too much anime recently. They usually ♥♥♥♥ their body pillows as much as they get ♥♥♥♥♥♥ by skilled players. Spy Mains love to taste the fact that they are like ninjas, sliding through the shadows and eliminating their victims - though this is exactly what F2P Spies think of themselves as well, so the mindset between the two hasn't really changed at all.

To express their inner ninja, they will wear miscs that cover a fairly large portion of their head. The weebest of weeb ninjas equip a Sharp Dresser. To brag their extravagance, they will show off their bling bling by using Strange or Australium Ambassadors, and most of all, their 'skills' by using the Dead Ringer, despite the fact it's extremelly obvious when they feign death.

The Spy's worst enemy is not the Pyro. It's the Patch notes. They will scream for days with the slightest Spy nerf.

They will not be afraid to ask SFM artists to make a special profile pic for them. If they can't get someone to stoop down to that level, they will make it themselves in MS Paint.
♥♥♥♥♥♥ Spy main profile pic that took me 10 minutes to make:

[O C T A N E]

why cant i see a picture for pyro?!?

[Lordofthefridge]

as a heavy main I can agree that finding one of us is quite rare. finding more than one in a server is a blessing, even through my hours of playing, I don't believe I've ever seen another heavy main and that's kinda sad and trough my years, I've found out that huo-longheater heavy's are rarer than wining the lottery and that's all she wrote. also open to friend requests if someone wants to add the bigfoot of tf2 mains to their friends list

[JacopoFreddy]

jacopomedic-049 | jacoposniper | jacopospy ?!?!?!?

[[GURGO]]

Dude you missed one class
Trolldier one tricks

[iris astrum real]

Looks like it to me.

[Kasane Teto]

I hope this is trolling.

[duckaroo]

what?? im a scout main and I SWEAR im not an asshole. yes pyro is shit class w+m1 no skill and so is heavy, engieneer, and soldier. also sandman never deserved a nerf and i hate valve because you need skill to win games AND THERE ARE SO MANY CLASSES THAT DONT USE SKILL and its STUPID because u need skill to show that ur better than someone AND U DONT DESERVE KILLS IF U HAVE NO SKILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kasane Teto]

Ah, I remember when my account got hecced and this guide got deleted.

[MrFlaptastic]

@Lenin
500 critical kills? With a Demoknight, that's not so hard, as shields often give crits when charging. However, I couldn't help but notice your 'Marx's Avenger' Brass Beast with 500 kills. I will use this as evidence to deduce that you are, in fact, a closet Heavy main.

[Fortnite Franc]

go check my sword and then tell me demoknight mains dont exist.