Each & every morn, the very moment my crusted eyelids part, I undergo at an insatiable yearning for Garfield Kart - Furious Racing™. I am a seasoned veteran of the original Garfield Kart™, clocking in over 50 minutes of gametime. When I learnt of the imminent arrival of it's successor, my glutious maximum drew clenched, my phallus grew erect, my hairs on end, and finally, ejaculation. My dreams had come true - the day I had wished for every single night for the last several years was almost upon me.

On the night of release, there I sat waiting impatiently, rocking back & forth in my limited edition Garfield™ racer chair, donning my limited edition Garfield™ onezie, anticipating the arrival of blessed midnight. I gazed over yonder at the Garfield™ analogue clock on the wall, which was also plastered in complementary Garfield & Friends™ wallpaper. 1 minute to go. The final stretch. As my eyes were fixated upon the clock face, suddenly within it appeared the face of my beloved: the one & only, Jim Davis. My jaw dropped to my crotch, resting only upon the head of my erect 2 inch shaft. "It's almost time, my child. May the lasagna be with you, always". "YEEeeeeEeeeAAaaaaaAAaaHHHHHhHhHhh" I screamed at the top of my lungs, only to be followed by my father banging angrily upon the trap door to my basement Garfield-Cave. Was I dreaming? Halluscinating? No. I refuse to believe such - the sacred Jim had surely recognised my unwavering commitment to his creation, and subsequently decided to visit me personally to honour his number one fan. *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP*. I snapped my deformed neck back round towards the monitor and my large, pupil engulfed eyeballs locked onto the large green play button that had now appeared. I clicked the button quicker than I had ever clicked anything in my entire 40 year old life. Here it comes. The Garfield™ splash screen. Ejaculation.

The screen grew dark. The suspense was tearing me apart, second by second. 10 seconds had passed. "What is happening...". 20 seconds had passed. My heart pounding. "Something isn't right. SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT!". The screen remained dark. My heart sank. In this moment which seemed to last an eternity, I experienced levels of anxiety and disappointment to an extent that I never knew was even possible. And there it was... the final blow. The killer blow. My screen turned blue. Yes, it was the dreaded blue screen of death. I fell to the ground like a 10 tonne bomb and shook around uncontrollably as I entered a wicked seizure. I had little awareness of what was going on as I screeched, vision blurred, limbs flailing, but I felt the excrement in my anoose come flooding out, seeping out of the sides of my man-diaper. Despite my hearing being distorted, I could hear repeated banging. In biblical fashion, light flooded in from above. It was my father - he had opened the trap door to my Garfield Man-Cave. He had come to save me...

"Shut the ♥♥♥♥ up you big ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ smelly idiot you"

The door slammed shut and the light seized.
I drifted into unconsciousness.
When I awoke, there I lie in a pool of excrement and urine, some of which was soaked & clotted up in the fur of my Garfield™ onezie. I sprang to my feet I immediately leaped back into my Garfield™ racer chair. I would try again. SUCCESS. There before my eyes lie the beautiful, majestic, sumptuous Garfield kart - furious racing main menu, in all its 360p glory. Without hesitation, I booted up the world-revered, highly-prestigious Lasagne cup with Garfield, naturally, as my selected racer of choice. The scene cut to the starting line and I glanced around frantically. All my beloved Garfield™ characters were here to greet me: Garfield, Odie, John, that lady cat with the big lips - they were all here. The countdown began. *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEEEEEEEEEEEP*

We're off. Immediately my eyes fixated on John, who burst off the starting line like a torpedo, opposed to the rest of us, who took off in a steady crawl. This angered me greatly. I beat off the lady cat with the big lips to a pickup which turned out to be a Lasagne boost, sending me launching past all the other racers to the front of the pack. We meet again, John. We were bumper to bumper. As the rest of the pack fell away, it quickly became apparent to me that John would be the only thing coming between me and the elusive 1st place. My blood began to boil as he repeatedly bumped into the back of my kart. A turn approached and I took the inner curb, gifting me a healthy lead. As I cruised along, comfortable in my lead, I glanced behind only to see a pie flying towards me at high velocity. I panicked and skewed to the side in attempt to evade said pie.... but my efforts were futile, for it was no ordinary pie - t'was but a pie of the heat-seeking variety. Contact. The pie sent me spinning uncontrollably as John drifted by, smug as can be. "CURSE YOU JOHN", I scowled. We had entered the final lap and I was slowly making ground back on him after passing through numerous pick-ups, many of which, to my good-fortune, turned out to be Lasagne boosts; but in spite of this he somehow continuously managed to maintain his lead, as if he mysteriously sped up every time I began to approach. "HACKS", I cried. As I took another bend well with a refined drift, the swine finally re-entered my vision. He was done for. I clutched the controller with fury as I spammed Lasagne boost after Lasagne boost consecutively. "Here I come you ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥." I passed through a pickup which gifted me a pie and sent it flying ahead. "BOOM". Pinpoint pie precision. I flew past with the largest of ♥♥♥♥-eating grins engulfing my entire face. The Lasagne cup was mine. As I came around the final bend, something began creep around the horizon. What could it be....

IT WAS JOHN. THE FILTHY SWINE HAD TAKEN A SHORTCUT. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO", I screeched. He crossed the line, and I followed shortly after. Devastation. Despair. How could this be? I was the chosen one: visited & blessed by the one and only Jim Davis. I yanked the computer power plug from the wall socket. No more. I was a failure. Ever since that horrid day I have been unable to bring myself to experience the game again, for I am eternally haunted by Jim's disappointment; but I can however assure you it is unfathomably enthralling and well worth your full-price purchase.