This game is a hell of a lot better than Civilization. I've been playing it for... I don't know how long, a few weeks. From the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep, eating between wars, literally dreaming about my kingdom and after about 200 hours playing I haven't got tired of it yet.

But perhaps you'd like to hear a story. Maybe a tale of woe, of blood and vengeance...

Austria, 1653. IronMan mode.

My King was yet another re*ard in a long line of mentally challenged Habsburgs. Administration was difficult, for he didn't know how to count from 0 to 10 by the age of 46. Pen and paper were alien artifacts for this man, who considered burping after a meal with international envoys a diplomatic act. I was proud once, when I learned he loved guns. And forever ashamed when I found out he couldn't fathom how to work a trigger. He became a General as soon as he turned 15 and then, for the first time, he was good at something... no, I'm kidding, he was terrible. I'm sure his kind mother put that one star over his head. She didn't fool anyone. Well... no one but the king himself, of course... silly kid...

So, as a good christian overlord, I was patient-- and spent 30 years trying to kill him, spearheading the "special" monarch into the most challenging battles. Soon I started to fear he had been blessed with immortality to compensate for his almighty uselessness. The damned French on my western border had a 6/4/6 sadist on their throne. My neighbor's lawn was greener than mine. I was desperate.

Hence came the time when I, the Holy Roman Emperor, accidentally enacted a cursed reform that wouldn't allow me to wage war against the Empire's members anymore, bringing my struggle towards unifying the HRE almost to a halt. But I had hope in my heart, for if no tragedy happened and I managed to keep peace, the 170 years left to play should be enough for me to gather 150 Imperial Autorithy points to fulfill my objective. I had 3 provinces left under foreign rule waiting for the taking and that should guarantee my success-- so I demanded what was rightfully mine.

I went to war against my oldest friend and ally, the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth. Again. They were so scared that even with their half-russian-size territory they didn't put up a fight-- literally not one, while I went on rampaging through their territory. I needed one more point for them to accept my peace offer and return the Empire's provinces when it happened...

They sent forth a 62 regiments army against me, a 3 star general leading it. They didn't stand a chance against my 130 invading regiments, of course, which was about half my army at that time. But they were brave, and chose to forfeit their lives for the sake of their homeland. So a massive battle began-- and it unraveled quickly. The fight went on for less than a month when... my f****** s** of a b**** piece of s*** excuse for a King died in it. Yeah, sure, I was euphoric for a moment. But no, it turns out those weren't good news because...

With his demise I lost the elections to be the next Emperor-- for the first time, mind you-- so I didn't get the 10 Imperial Authority bonus. A few days (or seconds) later, after the previously mentioned battle was won and so was the war, the Empire's territories were proudly returned by me. And then I learned you can only gain Authority if you are the current Emperor. The new guy at the office, the Holy chairman of the ancient Roman Empire, the 15 year old King of a useless single-province kingdom, laughed at me. I felt it, I swear. I'll remember that moment until the day I die... possibly even longer than that...

So after about 10 minutes screaming at my computer and one more hour cursing inside my head, I recovered my sanity once again, kept it cool, and decided to wipe the Holy Roman Empire from the face of the Earth. I'm halfway there, but the more than a million rebel soldiers spawning everywhere across my kingdom are delaying my war efforts. Still, I shall have my vengeance.

Sorry, I had to put that out there. A 15 year old Saxe-Lauenburgian kid as the Holy Emperor... what a joke. I'll give him his first shave with a flying cannonball.

EDIT:

With inhuman effort and, of course, the help of God himself (thank you, Pope) I reverted my situation and finally managed to unify the HRE. Now, in 1753, from the edges of a long-gone Hungary to the borders of Spain, Europe is under my rule.

But you wonder: "Why does that matter?" And I tell you: because it means if I had been born in 1444 there would have been no World War I, this review would be written in Deutsche (or maybe I would have brought latin back, who knows?), and my grandson¹³² would rule Earth. Knowing that, I can finally sleep in peace. I feel my entire life had a meaning, and now a whole new purpose... to play Castile next. (After becoming a junior partner in a Personal Union under Spain, winning my independence alone against them and England, vassalizing the Ottomans and succumbing to a Civil War caused by the sudden, premature death of my first independent king made me give up on returning my westernized Byzantium to it's former glory-- by the 17th century again, obviously the worst hundred of years in human history)