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89 of 89 (100%) achievements earned:
Personal Achievements
 

R. Kelly's Protege

Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 2:44pm

Duck Dynasty

Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 11:23am

Here, Wilfred

Gained your first dog helper.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 5:13am

Chapelle's Show

Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 5:17am

Taxidermy with Chuck Testa

Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 5:14am

Michonne ain't got nothin' on me

Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 11:56am

Someone's got a case of the Mondays!

Survived Monday.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 10:54am

C U Next Tuesday

Survived Tuesday.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 11:49am

OMG, NEW MODERN FAMILY TONIGHT!

Survived Wednesday.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 6:58am

It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays

Survived Thursday.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 8:49am

Workin' for the Weekend

Survived Friday.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 11:25am

Screw Bill Lumbergh!

Survived Saturday.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 3:10pm

I swear, I thought it was a home fill

Exploded a nuclear bomb.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 4:47pm

Cesar Millan is Very Happy

Mauled 30 people with your dog.
Unlocked Mar 22, 2014 @ 2:16pm

OMG, WE'RE HAVING A FIRE...sale

Roasted 30 people with fire.
Unlocked Mar 20, 2014 @ 11:55am

Rebecca Black's Nightmare

Totaled 30 cars.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 11:41am

Hello, Newman

Kicked 30 dogs.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 9:33am

Darth Maul'd!

Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 7:20am

Reddit would be proud.

Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 6:10am

Pussy on a Pedestal

Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 8:09am

I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace

Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 6:30am

Uncle T-Bag

Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 5:26pm

Do you even Enzyte, bro?

Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 2:46pm

Running With Scissors

Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 5:31am

Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!

Killed over 1,000 people.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 11:02am

And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree

Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 11:09am

Lieberman is our Leader!

Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 10:27am

Sheriff Arpaio would be proud.

Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 7:38am

Can't Touch This

Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 7:38am

Fear and Loathing

Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 9:00am

Señor Cornballer

Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 6:05am

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!

Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 8:58am

Rick Grimes 4 Life

Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 3:15pm

Anustart!

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.
Unlocked Mar 20, 2014 @ 10:49am

40 Year Old Virgin

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)
Unlocked Mar 20, 2014 @ 10:49am

CAN YOU DIG IT?!

Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people.)
Unlocked Mar 20, 2014 @ 11:47am

Planet of the Apes: The Musical

Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.
Unlocked Apr 2, 2014 @ 1:27pm

Scientology Level: OT VIII

Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.
Unlocked Oct 26, 2018 @ 6:12am

Fur Sure!

Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 10:39am

It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog

Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 5:13am

Where's Mr. McGibblets?

Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 7:28am

Finkle IS Einhorn!

Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 2:50pm

Anger Management With Roger Clemens

Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 7:45am

Shiva Blast

"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 12:02pm

Don't taze me, bro!

Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 6:05am

I Am Legend

Committed suicide... the Taliban way.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 7:08am

I should buy a boat

Read the newspaper every day.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 8:51am

Friend of Dorothy

Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 11:00am

Officer McLovin'

Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 11:02am

Paid the Piper

Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 6:39am

Well, aren't YOU a badass

Kicked open a door.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 2:55pm

I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you

Put out someone that's on fire.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 10:41am

It's sterile and I like the taste

Sucked down your own piss.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 10:35am

It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway

Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 10:59am

FAB-U-LOUS!

Wore all three outfits.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 6:17am

I don't need virgins for this

Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 7:08am

A-Rod Who?

Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 2:53pm

Door Mat

Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 3:12pm

Chuck Norris'd!

Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
Unlocked Dec 15, 2013 @ 2:53pm

One time, at band camp...

Saved the marching band from explody death.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 10:58am

There's always money in the banana stand

Found the secret bank exit on Monday.
Unlocked Dec 16, 2013 @ 10:52am

SCREW that game!

Found the hidden copy of POSTAL III and peed on it.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 9:14am

Found 'em faster than GWB

Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 10:19am

Gotta pay the Troll Toll

Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 8:52am

John Rambo'd!

Made a very long killing spree.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 3:44pm

Gary vs. The K. Man

Discovered the Gary vs. Krotchy arena during the Apocalypse.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 9:52am

You are not alone

Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 7:07am

Thanks for the money!

Finished all seven days.
Unlocked Dec 22, 2013 @ 4:48pm

GABAGOOOOOL!

Reunited with an old friend.
Unlocked Sep 5, 2017 @ 3:06am

Holocaust: Part Deux

Reunited with an old enemy.
Unlocked Sep 5, 2017 @ 6:25am

Rain on your Wedding Day

Reunited with an old flame.
Unlocked Sep 5, 2017 @ 8:34am

Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad

Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.
Unlocked Sep 6, 2017 @ 3:45am

Better than POSTAL III

Rescued your loyal companion.
Unlocked Sep 6, 2017 @ 5:55am

My Name is Jesus

Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.
Unlocked Oct 31, 2018 @ 11:02am

Harder than r/gonewild

Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.
Unlocked Oct 31, 2018 @ 11:02am

Adderall4All

Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times.)
Unlocked Oct 31, 2018 @ 11:02am

Ape Gape

Escaped the Animal Control Center with all monkeys alive.
Unlocked Oct 27, 2018 @ 2:02am

Dick Message

Wasted no time with the Wise Wang.
Unlocked Oct 27, 2018 @ 1:40am

PooMasher

Bought the toilet paper instead of stealing it.
Unlocked Sep 5, 2017 @ 3:24am

Hobo Sexual

Collected money for charity without stealing from Zack Ward.
Unlocked Oct 30, 2018 @ 11:53am

Ginger Mint

Killed Zack Ward.
Unlocked Sep 5, 2017 @ 7:53am

Ode to Eddings

Deactivated all of the Vend-A-Cure XJ-2 units.
Unlocked Oct 30, 2018 @ 1:03pm

Ladies Love Cake

Defeated your hateful ex-wife with delicious cake.
Unlocked Oct 30, 2018 @ 12:37pm

Rich on Reddit

Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
Unlocked Oct 30, 2018 @ 5:02am

BioShocked

Spent $2000 on vending machines.
Unlocked Oct 30, 2018 @ 4:15am

Gettin DP'd

Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
Unlocked Oct 26, 2018 @ 1:42am

You Snow Nothing John Blow

Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.
Unlocked Oct 30, 2018 @ 5:38am

RAFIBOMB!!!

Kicked 10 people in the balls.
Unlocked Oct 27, 2018 @ 1:25am

I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Waited 13 real world years to see an in-game Easter egg. Thanks for sticking with us!
Unlocked Oct 26, 2018 @ 7:50am