Recent reviews by Dendrobates Tinctorius

the walls shimmer and melt before me. i rub my eyes, but nothing changes, or rather everything changes. the world around me breathes and warps. i rub my eyes again, but the only thing that happens is my risk of keratoconus goes up.

when i move my arm, my shadow on the wall before me moves too, as i expect -- but different, somehow. immaterial, in a way a shadow shouldn't be. it's there, it's right. as i step to the side, my shadow follows me, but leisurely. the harsh fluorescent glare burns in the stark contrast between a shadow's contact and dissolution -- but only when i look. even the familiar seems wrong when i can't see it. has it always been this way?

i cough, and realize i've been breathing something. i turn.

behind a haze of moving clouds, a man sits, i think. he's smoking, or something he hold to his mouth is smoking. it doesn't matter.

"what's happening to me?" i ask with the familiarity of the ill. "what's going on here?"

"it's the future," he says.

behind him, hydraulics start. the sign says they do, on their own. they push something closed. around them, invisible motes sparkle.

there's a force here controlling things. i don't understand it, or this place.

i turn and look up at the window, not for me to look through, but i can. there is nobody there to not answer my questions.

"it's always been this way?" i say.

"no," he says. "it's the future."

"i didn't know it'd be like this," i answer.

he smokes.

somebody has marked this wall with a graffito. i don't get it. it says "baba is you".

i frown and turn back to the man. behind him the machinery has fixed itself from my view behind some wall, i think.

"it's harder now," i say. the smell of oil or grease or hydraulic fluid or something oxidizing on metal lingers, i imagine, but i don't recognize the smoke.

"what are you smoking?" i ask.

he waves it around hazily.

"it's the future, man," he says.

the walls and i stand and the floor and he sit and we all breathe.

The worst part about catching the phage is that now you gotta optimize your own demise.

despite a rocky launch, wolfenstein 2 has more or less delivered on a promise to go on a road trip to post-invasion america and shoot nazis in a variety of nazi-industrial and war-torn settings. the ashes of a subjugated nation become the cradle of a new mythological hero for the ages, Guy Who Shoots Nazis And Also Burns Them. accompanied by a range of hammy new sidekicks (Wyatt's Lil' Buddy, of course, steals the show), we find that Guy Who Shoots Nazis And Also Burns Them never really vanished, but lived on in all of our hearts, that we might one day dandle the grandkids on our knee and tell them "he is but waiting to be born again and preferably with some proper driver support on day 1, nvidia and amd."

to which the grandkids say: "why the hell did dad name me nvidia."

Tokyo (AP) - International pop music sensation Cool Dad was not arrested for amphetamine smuggling as reported earlier, Japanese customs officials clarified Thursday. Charging documents and video recordings released to the press indicate Cool Dad was instead arrested after a copy of Shenzhen Solitaire was discovered in his luggage.

"It is important that we correct erroneous reports," stated Shigeru Miyazaki, Ministry of Justice spokesperson. The initial press release two days ago was the result of "a regrettable translation error" of a phrase more accurately translated as "something far worse than amphetamines." "Amphetamine dependency is a treatable condition. Had Cool Dad only been in possession of amphetamines, he could have sought treatment," Miyazaki said, "As this was not the case, it is important his fans understand the severity and danger of his crime."

Cool Dad's fans and detractors alike have been actively discussing the arrest on social media. Miyazaki presented as examples of rumors necessitating the press conference LikePics expressing bewilderment that the singer/songplayer was arrested and held without bail and TweetPosts alleging he was actually arrested for a conspiracy involving the murder of a music blogger.

Shenzhen Solitaire is believed to have been first synthesized in Shenzhen, China and quickly spread worldwide over digital distribution platforms. Security experts are unsure whether it was created by organized crime or an enthusiastic amateur, but all agree its impact has been dramatic. Estimates place economic damages and lost productivity in the billions, with similarly dire health tolls. Electronics manufacturers are particularly badly affected, with tens of thousands of engineers "completely unable to function" according to the latest World Health Organization report. Over a dozen countries, including Japan, have outlawed the software outright in an attempt to curb its spread.

There was no official statement on why the clarification was not issued sooner, but some legal experts believe it may have been due to pressure from Cool Dad's lawyers. "Cool Dad is simply too Cool to be caught up in something like this," stated Hans "OnlineLawyer" Lawyermann, one of his on-retainer lawyers, "It is unfortunate they can't keep their story straight. We're already writing songs sure to convince any jury."

Some foreign policy experts, however, argue the delay was due to a mild crisis involving Japan's relations with the newly formed nuclear power, the Meth States of America. Since it split from the United States of America three years ago, multiple diplomatic tensions have evolved over MSA's reactions to real and imagined slights, the most recent of which included a British MP's comments about the MSA's state motto, "Tweaking so hard right now." Experts note the fledgling country is notoriously touchy about drug-related statements.

Ancient Greece is, honestly, kinda overdone mythology-wise; perhaps thence the appeal of works such as American Gods or Never Alone. Yet Apotheon manages to build a fairly fun metroidvania deicide adventure off a stylized approach to such well-trod ground. The controls are not perhaps as good as they could be, but I am bad at videogames so this is a common complaint for me. Punching people through doors results in satisfying gouts of blood and this is probably the most ithyphallic T-rated game I've ever played.

It's your first date with her. She said she was impressed by how nice the restaurant is. The conversation is pleasant and you think this relationship has a chance. Suddenly, you're vomiting. It's everywhere. You're mortified, she's screaming, the waiter is running, for the manager or the health inspector you don't know, you don't care, it's still coming and the whole table is covered in sick. The first volley landed straight on her. You stumble for the bathroom, still spewing pernicious purple fluid. You don't know what it is, where it came from. You think you're dying. The last thing you heard her say was "this date is over" and before that "what the ♥♥♥♥". When you leave the bathroom, she's gone. You pay the bill. You walk out and she's standing by your car. "Aw, leaving so soon?" she says. Her dress is stained. You think she's mocking you. But she asks you to see her tomorrow. The next day, filled with trepidation, you see her at the mall. You follow her past several stores before you work up the courage to approach her. She turns, smiles, says "there's no one I'd rather see!" You buy her a 50 gallon fishtank. You've bought her ten before. You ask her out again. She's enthusiastic. It is your first date with her.

This is how dating works in HuniePop.

It's a game that combines puzzles and dating, poorly. The dating component is perfused with a bleak absurdity. No matter how badly you do, you must be able to progress; the puzzles demand it. So you fail dates, endlessly. You spend all day chasing one fetishized caricature after another, knowing from the tiny bit of characterization the two friends you're pursuing would hate you for cheating on them. But they never talk to each other. You don't call them; you track them. You throw money at them while they stand there, in unnatural poses, every day, with only their outfits changing. They tell you to throw money at them. So you do, because they're vending machines, dispensing puzzles and collectible checkmarks. You open the voice over settings and change it from "full voice" to "boops". You click date and the machine gives you a puzzle, but the puzzle is what are you doing with your life?

The match 3 game within could work, if not for the trappings of dating sim. If you try to 100% this, you'll soon find yourself avoiding dates at night, because those end in a match 3 sex minigame. There's no point to it, no obvious benefit, no way to fail, no way to skip it. You find yourself scrabbling at the screen, wishing it would just end so you can get on with the game already. Is sex supposed to be like this?

"But it's a steamy game on Steam," you say, "at least it's got that going for it." Your father frowns. "Can't you look at myriad better images on the internet?" he asks you. Deep in your heart you know it's true. He knows so much about these things, about women. That's why he married the best one, your mom. You hang your head in shame. You'll never be good enough at dating to ask her out.

Back in the days before the invention of the quantum holocube capacitor (that is, pre-2053) computers had limited random access memory. To cope with this, software engineers designed technologies such as "only loading levels when you enter them" and "not spawning four processes to play a 2d platformer". Thankfully, these constraints on a developer's artistic vision no longer apply. Now you can marvel at game over screens as soon as you start the tutorial. What an age we live in!

-- Sent from my iNeuroUplink

I don't know how you get a 2D, pixel styled game to run on a computer made in the last ten years with the most uneven framerate since the great depression, but somehow, they've done it. Truly a victory for MARKETING.

Completely unrealistic insect flight mechanics.